But what if it's not OCD?

This will probably be long and confusing but I'm going to try my best to explain. I am 16, and I grew up (aged 0-10) in an abusive household (emotionally and physically). While most of the violence was directed towards my mom, it was still hard to deal with sometimes. My dad has been diagnosed many times as a sociopath/psychopath and he could be scary. The thing is is that he could also be really nice. What I'm trying to get at is that I have had what I have been calling "pure O OCD" for years now. now I am starting tothink that these violent thoughts and urges were actually just me being a psychopath. Being a psychopath used to be the most terrifying thing to me but now I'm just feeling numb to most things. For example, my mom was crying today and I felt awkward I didn't know what to do, i was analyzing my emotions to see if I felt anything but I only felt a little bit of something. I went up to her and i gave her hug but I still felt weird inside like I couldn't really feel anything. I have been feeling like I'm just on the outside of reality lately. It is like someone could tell me something very important and I'd probably not even feel like it is real. The weird thing is is that I can feel strong emotions for TV or book characters and I can laugh heartily at a joke but when it comes to real emotions, I feel devoid of them. This makes me really uncomfortable because I know that is associated with sociopathy. As of late, I've been getting these brut dreams (2 of them) and the first one I killed someone (he was the evil guy from a tv show) but it was really brutal and the second one, I cut my finger to the bone with a knife (I think it was an accident in the dream but it also felt like I had control if that makes any sense) and I woke up early with a strange urge to cut my finger. I've been having violent thoughts all day and I was thinking "what if I'm just a psychopath now who was always destined to kill people" and I was confused like what if that's it? I kept trying to tell myself it was OCD but my brain kept telling me that I'm taking after my dad. I've been dealing with a lot of things with him lately (I live apart from him and have for years and he is trying to get me for custody again). The thing is is that I don't feel stressed out about the court thing like I should but instead I feel numb. I don't know if psychopathy is genetic or not but I was also thinking what are the odds of me actually having OCD. I kept trying to tell myself that it is OCD because I've had different obsessions before (germs, health anxiety, etc.) But my brain wasn't listening. Dealing with "pure O" has definitely been the hardest one to deal with and the one that is CONSTANTLY at the back of my mind so I feel like I gave convinced myself that I am supposed to be a killer. Help me please, as I say this, I'm not actually that scared like I used to be. What is wrong with me?

Hi there!

The second I read, "what if I'm just a psychopath now who was always destined to kill people", I knew that this is your OCD. I've been told that "What If" is the biggest phrase in the OCD-dictionary, and it's true. It's just the same with your title, "But what if it's not OCD?" Guess what, it is.

"I kept trying to tell myself it was OCD but my brain kept telling me that I'm taking after my dad."
- This is something you should never do, no matter how hard it is. You can't argue with yourself about your OCD. Picture yourself arguing with a person, face to face. Okay? Now, picture yourself that that other person is you. It leads you nowhere. You can argue with other people about stuff and even about OCD, whatever, but you can never argue about your own OCD with yourself, because you OCD will always disagree with you. Even telling yourself that it's just your OCD will only make you doubt it even more. Like when I tell myself it's just my OCD, I get stuck until I say it "right" and it feels "right."

I know how you feel... the thought I have right now is always in the back of my mind. I have OCD: Pure-O, ROCD, HOCD. ROCD is the reason I right now can't even be in a relationship. So right now I'm struggling with HOCD and it's always in the back of my head. But I know that getting rid of it by analyzing and thinking about it, won't help, it will only make my anxiety even worse and the thought will last double as long. So the only choice we all have is to only let it go, let it be in our head, make it think whatever it wants to think, whatever. OCD is your worse enemy, it will go against you 100%. It will make you think those things you don't want to think and make you believe that you are something, that you are not.

Hope this helps a little...
Felizia

Thank you for replying. I'm sorry that you deal with ROCD and it affecting your relationships. I know all about OCD affecting things in my life. I can't watch gorey movies anymore and I can't even look at pictures of blood. I even have trouble doing science experiments that involve blood. It is a real hassle. Anyway, sometimes I feel like the reason I don't watch those movies is because it will make me feel like I want to do those things. I've been struggling with thoughts in the back of my mind that I'm starting to believe that are like "you're not sad because you have OCD you're sad because you can't act on these thoughts. " it is almost like my brain is turning me into a psychopath. Anyway, it also feels like I don't fit in with the rest of the OCD community completely like I don't feel guilty about my thoughts (I don't know if I used to but I don't know I think because subconsciously I know they can't be controlled). I feel like my fear isn't as big as everyone elses, but I have more of a dull anxiety when it comes to things like this now. I figured this is depression, but I don't know.