Giving up.. Pocd

I'm giving up. My thoughts went from being afraid that im a phedophile to that i am one and i just don't want to live anymore.

As i wrote in my other post, im getting of to thoughts of children. But the thing is, it all started with checking. I was absolutely sure i wouldnt get aroused by the thoughts of children, but in som disgusting way i did. This sounds so horrible to me that im crying RIGHT now. And now when i masturbate, the thoughts of children, not fantasies, like mental pictures pops up in my head and it goes so fast that i cum. What is wrong with me? Im obssesed with this site, trying to find someone with the same problem, but i can't find any? Please, does this mean im a phedophile? I can't even masturbate anymore without getting this intrusive UNWANTED images that makes me cum almost instantly.. Please, i need some answers..

I'm not an expert, but I really, REALLY don't think it means you're a pedophile. I think that anxiety and arousal are very closely intwined, and you're feeling so nervous about being aroused that your OCD mind tricks your body into doing something you don't want it to do.

I would imagine that pedophiles are comforted or relaxed when they have sexual thoughts about children. You don't sound comfortable at all.

I know you're very upset, but I think the best action to take is to stop checking. If it's possible, go talk to a counselor or psychologist who is familiar with OCD. Good luck, and don't give up.

Absolutely NOT! Ive always dreamed about having a family, having a little sister that i could protect and be a mentor to, but it has changed. This has lead to a deep depression that i can't get out of. I just can't live with the fact that i am a phedophile (if i am) and if
Not i can't seem to forgive myself for getting of to these HORRIBLE images. How can i Ever forgive myself? And as selfish as i am, i have prayed to god that he kills me in some way instead of me being a phedophile.. Im so thankfull for your answer, it means alot to me even though it doesnt seems to help.. Thank you very much, i mean it.

First I gotta ask how old you are and if you're male or female?
I've never experienced someone getting off to the thoughts of children before. I know how it feels to have such a strong groinal urge, believe me. When my POCD went full swing at the start of this year, my hoo haa was so lubricated and I was laying on the bed restraining my hands from going down and masturbating. It seems as though you are relieving the arousal and groinal feeling.

Judging by the fact that you're distressed by this, I'd say you're not a paedophile. I know what you mean. I'd rather be dead than be a paedophile. In some ways I've started feeling slightly "sorry" for them, but I hate them at the same time. Why I feel sorry for them is because their "sexual urges" will never be able to be fulfilled (not legally anyway) and because society pushes them out for having something that they cannot control. Paedophillia is not a choice. It starts at puberty. It is much like being gay, lesbian, or straight.
Why I hate paedophiles is because some will act on their thoughts and become child molesters. I was actually manipulated by a lesbian paedophile and now I am a 23 year old female who is very unsure of who she is, because I get groinals to female women and children, but I am attracted to males and don't wanna even have a relationship with women or children, not intimate or sexual.
I had urges to download CP at the start of the year. I obviously didn't, but I've never ever had those urges or thoughts before. If I'm around young kids, especially girls, and I get IT's (intrusive thoughts) i walk away and isolate myself, even more if I get groinal responses. It's all unwanted, and that's why I think you're not a paedophile.

Paedophiles, despite some being self hating, actually don't not want their thoughts and feelings. A lot of them see it as normal, beautiful, and something to be acted on and accepted.

Now I'm not entirely sure why children cannot be exposed to sexual stuff (seriously), but I also don't really want to know either. It's scary to think of. I know that it messes them up psychologically because they don't fully understand what it's all about. Young children start masturbating at a young age (I know I did anyway) and I know it felt good for me. That's where my issue is. Masturbating felt good, so I (for some reason) have developed this intrusive thought over the last few months that "why wouldn't a girl want their clit played with, it feels good!" And even as I type that, it's horrendous and it makes me feel weird. I'm picking my lips a lot as I type this out (sign of stress). I used to be able to be around kids with basically no issues, and if I got groinals I'd just ignore them and see them as "nothing" and just not bother about it. I had HOCD at age 16 and was so frightened of being a lesbian because I got groinals to women. Basically, vaginas are the problem for me. The visuals of them just set me off instantly. I don't even have time to think about it. But if I was invited to touch one, no thanks. It's a turn off. That's why my OCD is so contradictory.

You have to find some kind of rationals behind it.
So I fear being a paedophile and attracted to little girls, yet I won't date ANYONE younger than me because it FEELS WRONG. Contradiction?
I get aroused by images of vaginas being played with, but don't wanna touch one myself, and it turns me off. Ummm??

Like you, I wanted to start a family, but now I'm so frightened that I'm actually thinking I don't want a family anymore. I used to want to give birth to a little girl so badly, and I never ever had thoughts of "what if I catch her masturbating and then go and masturbate myself because her act made me horny?" Or "What if I get intrusive thoughts about touching her, and then I do it?" That thought contradicts itself because I once read an article where a woman touched her 10 month old baby's clitoris to see what kind of reaction she would get. I always always said to myself "that's tooooo far!!" My opinions seem to fly between "wrong" and "oh well" and "wrong" and "never mind." It's horrid and totally destroying.

You will get through this. I'd say stop masturbating to the thoughts of children and instead watch some heterosexual porn. When you get the groinal response to your intrusive thoughts, distract yourself. If you'd like, you can PM me when you feel the urge to do it, and get those feelings and thoughts out into an inbox message. Then go for a walk in the fresh air.
I still don't know your history. Were you abused? Do you live with parents? Are you attending high school or in a job? Country of residence? All pretty important things to know. My family is very dysfunctional and I'm almost certain I was sexually abused by someone, because things are just not adding up.

I hope this helps you feel less alone!

Thank you so much for replaying! Im 17, female. The thing is, i neeeeeever ever started to masturbate with thoughts of children. Never! Its not fantasies, they pop up when im really aroused (when my bf is performing oral on me or when i masturbate) and the same second they pop up i start to panic and i cum. Thats whats so confusing. I have thought about it, according to the getting off very quickly to it it must mean that i have a very intense atttaction to children, but WHY do i not feel it when i see them? Why do i know RIGHT now when im all confused that i would NEVER look at cp, or touch a child even if nobody noticed it. I mean this is so confusing? How in the hell am i able to get off to these images so fast when i don't even feel a slight of atttaction to them? Well sometimes a little but thats not an atttaction, thats fear and i know it. And id like to add that when im not anxious i can masturbate without having an image of a child in my mind, and many times an image has popped up and nothing happens. Im avoiding kids, i don't want to see them, i don't want to be near them.

About 2 weeks ago, it was a little festival where i live (in germany) and there were alot of kids. I was first very anxious but when i and My friends started to talk with som kids (10 years old) i only helt emotionall. I felt like an mentor, like an older whos intention is to protect them, nothing Else. I did NOT feel anything sexual towards them. I was smiling and feeling that i was the real me again. Ive always loved children, wanted to Work with them, kids love me, i wouldnt hurt a fly and i mean it.

Well, we have one thing in common. I started to masturbate when i was maybe 6? And i found porn when i was 9-10. I would watch porn and masturbate. Heterosexual porn. Then i started to enjoy thoughts of women. Their vag... And titties. Around 13-14 i realised i was bisexual, but the thing is i can't think myself in a relationship with a woman, just sex. And i was sad, angry at god who made me like this, but i never obessed bout it. I would watch lesbian porn and enjoy it. Fantasizing about women and their vag.. Then a slight worry came along that i could be a lesbian. I was afraid, but i did not obsess with it and it went away. I have a boyfriend and we have been together for 2 years and i love him more THAN life and im really attracted to him. But sometimes my normal fantasies about guys gets boring and it makes it hard for me to cum so i switch to women instead. And now im worried that its happening again but toward kids. But the sick part is, i DO NOT fantasize about them, its just very fast and blurry images wich are still, no moving. One thing worth mentioning about this is one time when i masturbated, a intrusive image popped up with a BABY but with clothes on and one girl also with clothes on and i came instantly. I mean, does it make any sense? But im verry ashamed and feeling gulity over these thoughts. How can i live with this? How?? And im afraid it wont stop, im afraid that im never going to be able to have sex normally, to masturbate normally. Heterosexual porn yes, i do it almost every time that i masturbate now because it helps me with these discusting thoughts. But the thing is, when i do it, i get so horny that i love the feeling and do it again maybe 3-5 times and ive read that phedophiles masturbate plenty times a day.. My fear is also that my Brain doesnt get enough satisfaction by the porn and thats why i want to do it so many times, and that i would be satisfied with the thoughts of children..

It hasnt been easy in My life. Both My mother and fatter suffers from depression and anxiety. My dad has been a alcoholist for maybe 10 years and its brougth much stress and anxiety in My life. My mother was going to commit suicide one time but i was running after her in our neighbourhood and found her. Thank god she is alot better today but we are still struggling with My fatter. So yes, stress and anxiety was brougth to me early in life. I got My first panikattack when i was 10. Yes, i also feel sorry for them who doesnt act on their thoughts because now im kinda experiensing the same thing. How am i going be able to look My kids (if i even get some) in the eyes and now what i have DONE? How?!? Im crying litterly everyday, when i see My lovely boyfriend i want to cry because of what i have DONE, i don't deserve him or My family. And one thing also! I have fantasied about having a child now, walking with her/him, hugging him/her, teaching them stuffs, protect them and that feels so RIGHT to me. And when i get the sexual thoughts its like a blurr, like a filter on the image. I don't know whats happening but i do know if im not a phedophile, i am going to live
With the fact that ive managed to get off to the images of children and it makes me so sad.. I don't know if im going to make it..

Think you SO much for your reply. As i sead to the one before you, i MEAN IT WITH ALL MY HEART. You are the ones that makes me Believe just a bit, that im not a discusting
Phedophile. Thank you.

I can relate to a lot of this.

I trigger so much at the thought of being lesbian or bisexual. It frightens me. I get aroused by watching vagina's get licked, masturbated or sexed, but only by men. I've come across lesbian porn before because my fetish is oral (women being licked). I also REALLY love sucking my boyfriend off. I'll do it as much as I can.

But as soon as I think of touching or licking a vag, it makes me feel sick. The thought of kissing a woman makes me feel sick. So I'm very confused by my own thing. With the groinal response, I get a response on my clitoris (the good feeling bit which is usually licked). I've never actually ever described where the response is, but that's where I get it, in my clit. I always have got the response there.
If I don't get anxiety by women or children and the groinal response towards them, I force the anxiety there. The other day I was masturbating and a friend of mine told me she'd masturbated the day before. And suddenly I had an image of her masturbating herself, but laying in the same position as me, so it's almost like I was watching myself??? I'm not sure. I get off to the woman and man moaning in porn videos (I don't watch porn in a relationship however, I see it as cheating) but when I did watch porn. Me and bf made porn videos together so he could still whack off when he needs to without me feeling like he's being unfaithful, but I wasn't turned on by them at all really, but I was so focused on how fat my body looked and stuff. So anyway I've never done anything with a woman, and never will. I don't want to. And I'm pretty sure it's the same with kids too! But I hate being "unsure." Sometimes I'm absolute sure I won't, then other times I just don't know. It's a never ending nightmare.

I've had the same thing, where I've wanted to be the nurturing mommy to small kids, and the mentor to older kids. It means we're normal!

Your POCD started the same as mine. I'm 23, female. Mine started when I started working with kids. Like you I don't wanna be near kids now either.
How did you come to realise you were bisexual? Like I get groinal responses to womens vag's. Have since I was 11 and I saw lesbian porn. It was crazy. But then I got an equally matching groinal response when I heard my parents having sex at the same age. That's why this is so confusing for me. I'd never actually go with a woman, so why does the visual make me so horny? Is it because I know how good the clit feels to be touched? Probably. I hope that's all it is. I'd be devastated if I turned out to be bi or lesbian. I love my boyfriend so incredibly much.

If you're ashamed and feeling guilty, you're not a pedophile I promise! You wouldn't be satisfied with the thoughts of kids. It's the anxiety arousal that makes us orgasm fast. My images are also the same. There's no movement. It's a still fleeting image, but if I remember my boyfriend being on skype and taking the cover off of his body slowly, it drives me crazy. Arousal in my chest, groin, shaghole, everywhere. I loved it, and I love remembering that.

You haven't really gotten off to images of children. When we have sex, many images come into our brains. I've had friends and family pop up. I used to have extreme groinal responses towards my mother too. Anything she did or said I'd twist it into something sexual. I also watched this program where people did an experiment to find out if people were really gay or straight, and wired up these adults and made them watch porn to see what they responded to. Some of the women turned out to be lesbian because they were extremely heated over lesbian porn and not so much over hetero porn. That triggers me when I think about it.

I love the feeling of masturbation too but stop after one time because I get sore otherwise. Sometimes once is enough but sometimes the feeling comes back immediately after. It's tough being a woman! Even as I type this I'm exhausted with all this horniness flowing in my system. I want a break from being horny. I only wanna be horny over my bf, not over womens bodies. I know I'm jealous of women who are skinny with big boobs, really jealous. Maybe that's another reason. We're all normal in the end.

Linumbimb wrote:Thank you so much for replaying! Im 17, female. The thing is, i neeeeeever ever started to masturbate with thoughts of children. Never! Its not fantasies, they pop up when im really aroused (when my bf is performing oral on me or when i masturbate) and the same second they pop up i start to panic and i cum. Thats whats so confusing.

Happens to me, and I imagine it happens to a lot of people who suffer OCD. I have never had POCD, but during times of self pleasure I will get unwanted thoughts and images that pop into my head, which are solely there to sabotage myself. Intrusive thoughts can happen anywhere at any time.

Like almost every post in this forum, looking for a logical reason, beyond OCD, is a waste of time. For instance, here is humorous sentence I have heard more that once in my OCD life:

"I have all these irrational thoughts, and they just don't make sense!"

The job description of OCD is to put irrational thoughts in your head and then send you down a path trying to discover why you are having those thoughts. That path is INFINITE, and leads to nowhere.

I am sorry you are suffering this, but you need to get away from looking for an answer beyond OCD.

Helpmesoscared, im exactly like you with the porn watching and sucking off and i also get the groinals in my clit. But the thing that scares me is that the image i get is what i got off to. It goes so fast that i think, im really staring to think that i actually like the thought of me touching children (i can't write that without getting anxious and really worried). Because when i masturbate, i usually watch porn and i like it, i can get off fast. But when i do it with My fantasies (normal fantasies) its a bit harder. But when it comes to the intrusive images its fast...... I think im starting to deal with that i am a phedophile in denial and not that i have pocd. The reason is that i think like this: what if i actually get really aroused by the images and thoughts and i don't like it because i know people would hate me and its discusting and illegal? And i don't want to think about them because of that, and not because its not me.. Its really Scary.. I really want an answer why i managed to gett of imidietly to the images of the horrible things..

Otter. What do you mean it has happened to you? How? Like me? Because when i manage to cum without any intrusive thoughts im not in peace even then, because then my mind starts to think: it took to long for you to come, youre not satisfied with these thoughts, you would be more satisfied with the other thoughts and images, and so it goes. I can't manage to get any peace at all. Is this normal? Ofcourse not. But why the hell can't i find anyone with similair feelings like me, with the masturbate thing? And that must mean, i am a phedophile who is in denial because i know its so horrible, but i can't even be sure its that way! Im losing my mind here.. I hope its better for you guys, because its going in the wrong directiom here..

Linumbimb wrote:Otter. What do you mean it has happened to you? How? Like me? Because when i manage to cum without any intrusive thoughts im not in peace even then, because then my mind starts to think: it took to long for you to come, youre not satisfied with these thoughts, you would be more satisfied with the other thoughts and images, and so it goes. I can't manage to get any peace at all. Is this normal? Ofcourse not. But why the hell can't i find anyone with similair feelings like me, with the masturbate thing? And that must mean, i am a phedophile who is in denial because i know its so horrible, but i can't even be sure its that way! Im losing my mind here.. I hope its better for you guys, because its going in the wrong directiom here..

In my worst days everything you mentioned in the description above happened to me. Even without intrusive images all sorts of worry happened during this time as well. The one difference might be that at the moments of orgasm I felt free and without fear, and I felt like there was hope. I remember telling this to my Psych when I was a kid (18) in the hospital. But before and after orgasm , I was plagued with the same thoughts you have. The only one I didn't have was "I'm a pedo in denial". for some reason that one didn't occur to me, but I imagine if I had known about this forum in those days I would have adopted it too - because my anxiety used anything against me.

I don't think it is a good idea to try and figure out why someone else doesn't have the same thoughts in the same sequence or exact way that you do. But in general, this forum is full of people who have the same destructive internal process (thoughts) as you do, during masturbation, sex with someone else, etc.

This is important:

When someone suffers OCD/Anxiety they will go to the ends of the earth to figure out WHY these thoughts are occurring. Or ,like you, if they don't find someone who is exactly like them, what they are thinking must be real. One of the insidious things about OCD is it forces someone to try and "figure out" why they are having these thoughts and fears. The more you try and fugure it out, the more question you have (without answers) and the more REAL it seems.

But then is also seems stupid at the same time. This is what separates delusional thinking from intrusive thoughts. This what makes OCD even worse; riding that line between sanity and insanity, so to speak. Someone who suffers OCD never tips the scale one way or the other. It's like holding your breath, waiting for an answer.

But step away from the details in each case and you see a common theme of fear, intrusive thoughts, anxiety and other things.

So, I have suffered many of the ways you have. But if you are looking for exact copies of your experience, that will just make things more confusing.

Okay, thank you for the answer. But one thing, what do you suggest i should do? Stop masturbating and getting oral? And if i do and it gets better, how do i "remove" the fear when im mb? And how should i think? When im normal? If you understand what i mean. Thank you, Otter.