Suicidal, POCD

Hey.. Im 17 years old and female. This $#%^ starter about 4 months ago. I saw a girl on vine and i got what i think a groinal response. I got terrified and got depressed. I cryied and got panic attacks. Didnt go to school for a week. I have a boyfriend,
He is 20 years old and the best person i have Ever met. I have always ofcourse been attracted to him and we have (had) a great sex life. When i was 13 years old i discovered i was in to lesbian porn. I got very turned on by a grown womans body. At that time i was kind of sad that i was bi but i have accepted it. I started to masturbate when i was very young, maybe 5 or 6 and when i was maybe 9-10 i discovered porn. I have almost always watched porn when i masturbate and i always masturbate 3-5 Times when i do it. I don't do it often but when i do i do it 2-5 Times'. Anyway. I started obsessing. Testing with UNWANTED fantasies, got groinal responsens so then i decided to do the worst thing in My entire life. Testing the thoughts while i masturbate. The thing is, when the thought came up it was almost like i didnt have time to think of the thought, i just came, very very fast. I vas devistated. I didnt know what to do with Myself. I felt like a monster, like a pervert. After that, i started to fear that the thoughts will pop up when i masturbate or have sex, and WELL, they did, and i came so fast i couldnt Believe it. This has haunted me and it seems like im the only one with this problem. Maybe it means that im actually a phedophile? I mean who in the entire world manages to get off in one second to these discusting and horrible thoughts? And its also said that phedophiles masturbate many Times' in one day. I also do, but to My normal fantasies with adults! I can't enjoy anything at all. I feel like a phedophile, like i don't deserve to live. Im never gonna be able to have kids, what if i get turned on by them? Omg... And one more thing. Not so long ago, i met a 10 year old girl. She was so cute and when i was around here i felt protective, like an mentor. No atttaction or sexual urges at all so please anyone WHY????? What should i do...? Please help me im just a teenager

Hey I'm 21 and in a really similar situation to you. I am absolutely gutted I can't believe this is happening. I had a lovely childhood and am confident I was never a victim of abuse so this makes no sense at all to me. I feel really ###$ up! Like you, I have no fantasies or urges about doing stuff to kids, even writing that makes me feel gross and disgusting, but then the horrible groinal response. It doesn't feel good it feels evil and dirty. I think the reason you came is probably because your anxiety because you knew it was wrong made you more aroused or something, I wouldn't worry too much. We can't help the images that flash up in our brain.
I really think you should get some therapy too I've just started. It's so so horrific. I have always wanted loads of kids but now I feel like this will destroy that for me. It has ruined everything.

Thank you so much for replying. I don't know im so comfused. How will i Ever forgive My self for this? I feel so awful. Im even so close "accepting" that im a phedophile.. WHY? How is it when you have sex/masturbate? Do you have intrusive thoughts?? I don't deserve My family or My boyfriend.. Im so disscusting.. Im sorry for My English im from germany...

Hi, your English is good! I feel disgusting too. I get intrusive thoughts and a groinal response - a 'feeling down below' - which is what I find the hardest to deal with. All I know is I don't want to do anything to kids and I have no worries about acting on any thing, I am just terrified of the feelings and thoughts. I don't really want to have sex with all this stuff freaking me out :/