Just need a little HOCD help PLEASE.

So as far as I can remember back I've always had a low self esteem and poor self image. I used to weight 240 lbs when I was in middle school, completely changed my life around to where I am now 20 years old and now weight 165 lbs. Last year is when I knew something in my head was up, I became obsessed with getting abs and looking like I've always pictured myself. I developed an eating disorder, and was running an insane amount of miles a day to get these abs. And of course over time I developed them, and was happy. Now I was obsessed with keeping them, doing over 2 1/2 hours of exercises a day and running around 25 miles a week. Eventually I snapped out of this cycle, and don't have this issue anymore.

Now, about 2-3 months ago, I was hanging out with a few of my friends smoking some weed, and this thought just popped into my head that I was gay out of no where. I felt my heart drop, my face get bright red and I felt like I was having an anxiety attack, I had to leave and go home. I slept on it and it didn't go away. Throughout my life I've been so infatuated with women, even at a young age. When I was even in kindergarten I loved one of my best girl friends so much. Throughout middle school/highschool , I had a girlfriend for 5 years, and many other crushes. We've now broken up but are still close and hook up and what not. So I started thinking back in my past, for some reason when I was a child I had an armpit fetish (really weird I know) and I've had a few gay experiences as a kid, for some reason I remember I did watch a gay porn video as a kid not for the actual sex, but for the fetish purpose only, tried to master bate but I turned it off, and when I was a kid I did masturbate to a picture of one of my friends with the fetish in mind. No clue why. I've now gotten over that weird childhood fetish stage of my life. But like I've never even thought of these occurrences until this anxiety attack. Now I go throughout my day questioning if I find guys attractive and what not, the usual HOCD symptoms. At one point I did get over it for a few weeks, and then it eventually came back into my head somehow. I'm just so scared of those occurrences as a child, and they always pop up back into my head. Not to be rude but I've always kind of been disgusted by what gay people do, but now my mind is telling me if I tried it I'd like it. It's always an inner battle with myself. Like I was just playing basketball at the gym with a few guys and was making myself think I was attracted to them. I was shooting the ball saying in my head, "If you don't make this, you're gay" and of course I would miss and be shocked.

I do have a history with obsessing over things, 2 times I was obsessed with the fact I thought I got my girlfriend pregnant, always been obsessed with diseases I could possibly have. Just looking back in my past I can tie OCD to many things I remember. But this is just very difficult to get over for some reason. I joined the wrestling team my senior year of high school, and my mind was telling me I joined to be closer to guys. Like I know how guys look, I've looked and seen guys getting changed in the locker room and what not, never had a single thought of anything. Maybe all the years of getting teased for being overweight has led to my OCD and I'm just an easy target for it now. Thank you so much for reading this, I just needed someone to vent too.

I guess I'm in the same boat as you in terms of double guessing yourself. But for me it all started when I was getting intimate with my girlfriend and for some reason I couldn't perform. I would go soft. So I freaked out and had two questions popped into my mind "did I stop being attracted to my girlfriend?" Or "did I stop being attracted to girls all together?" Now, I'm in this stage of wither I'm gay or not because of that situation. Its been Difficult. I never had an issue with performing with my girlfriend and out of those many times I been intimate with heri freak out over not performing once. It sounds really stupid but I'm still struggling. all I can say is if you know deep down in your heart you know who you are then just accept it with no question.

Really no one has any advice?

Hello I went through the same thing your are experiencing right now but I was 17 your not gay no worries it is your OCD thought's just say to yourself oh well if I am gay I am gay believe me it works but I have no doubt in my mind from what you have posted your not gay.

I go through the same thing. HOCD is a very very vicious cycle of thoughts. I go to talk therapy and find that it is working (for me). I do advise you go see a consoler. It will help. Keeping this all in will not help at all. Too add- i think the weed may have had something to do with this. I know two friends who become very Horney from weed and also say they switch to a "gay" personality on it. No joke. This could have had something to do with it. I personally have had Hocd from a young age. I was bullied as being gay for as long as i can remember. I had ED and then the HOCD fully grew. I went in swings from bad to terrible. I contemplated suicide on many occasions. I self harmed- but all of that isnt going to help. You need to tell you self "Maybe i have a gay side" Everyone, i mean EVERYONE does. Some deny, but NO ONE is 100% gay or straight. Once you come to terms with this, you will find an end to this. Just keep looking forward!

I think in this day and age being gay is almost a trend if your gay your gay you will really know it it's not evil if you happen to be. Let me say this all humans wonder and have thoughts of what it would be like to have an experience with the same sex and even feel aroused but people who don't have OCD it just goes in their mind and out real quick and they don't feel guilty for this thought but people with OCD linger on that thought and feel guilty, panic and major anxiety then the roller coaster starts.

How do you talk live on here or can you?

overwhelm wrote:I think in this day and age being gay is almost a trend if your gay your gay you will really know it it's not evil if you happen to be. Let me say this all humans wonder and have thoughts of what it would be like to have an experience with the same sex and even feel aroused but people who don't have OCD it just goes in their mind and out real quick and they don't feel guilty for this thought but people with OCD linger on that thought and feel guilty, panic and major anxiety then the roller coaster starts.

Good post. I think some of the HOCD posters don't want to admit that they have old fashioned homophobia like they think it would be better to be dead than to be gay. You are right that most people have gay thoughts, all of my straight family members have made really gay statements or actions right in front of me and it was so obvious but normal people who don't have OCD don't dwell on that. To normal people it doesn't matter how many gay thoughts they have as long as they can maintain a straight identity in their public life.