lost *trig*

I just wrote this long and revealing thing unable to sleep and i lost it when it failed to post. I don't have the heart to write it all again. It is probably just as well as I would be anxious as hell about posting it, even with the skin deep anonymity a burner email account for this forum gives me.

I've OCD/ anxiety issues. For years now, but the last 2 years bad enough I've become a recluse. Over various things, usually things that turn out later to be stupid. Recently I've become convinced I've done something truly reprehensible and suppressed the memory.I would add this thought, this 'accusation' only really started about a month ago. I don't see a resolution to it, it seems tailor made for my anxiety to fixate on it for the rest of my life.

It happened 18 years ago or so, when I was ~13. Recently, I've spoken to the person I'm worried I hurt (they'd be ~10 at the time) and asked them about events around that time. I was careful not to be leading or ask something that would be potentially triggering in a worst case scenario because I wanted to not hurt them. They said they remembered mutual sexual experimentation, (which is how I originally remembered it) they didn't go into details or specifics, said it was mutual said not to worry. They didn't remember me doing anything horrible to them. They were OK with me. They were doing well and to be honest didn't remember till i brought it up.

But something in me is convinced I went too far and that a situation which began consensually ended with me doing something against their will. Part of it is because I definitely know things went pretty damn far on one occasion. (which is the one in question) And I'm losing my mind. I spend hours reading up on issues now, not having any life, feeling dirty and ashamed. It breaks into my "rest" - I keep catching 'flickers of images' at the corner of my mind when I'm waking up or in dreams. I'm scared and obsessed by it, and I am worried I'll create a bad false memory just to have the uncertainty over. I had a 2-day state of near catatonia over the weekend, [after which I was simultaneously convinced the catatonia was because I'd seen the truth and refused to acknowledge it, or that I simply preferred the blankness to the constant accusation]. The thought I might have hurt someone is so powerful that I can't simply hope for the best. So i just keep looping.

Can somebody help me somehow? I'm desperate enough to try hypnotism to find out what I don't know despite the dangers of creating a false memory. If it was just a general "you might have done this" accusation, i'd dismiss it for lack of evidence. Unfortunately the accusation is for a time and a location where a bunch of stuff happened that I can remember some of in 'still frames'. Nothing conclusive to rebut or corroborate the accusation.

Could the other person have repressed a traumatic memory to the extent they are completely unaware of it, exhibit no symptoms of abuse or RTS/PTSD (except possibly an episode of bulimia in their 20's at Uni and being a stroppy teenager) and are ok currently with me generally/ are stable having missed the usual bouquet of issues of most of my friends. That said, I'm frightened to assume the best and continue -what if I'm wrong and at some point in the future this person remembers it, has a breakdown.... and I can't help, because I caused it? I tried to run the numbers on it, but its impossible to make sense of the conflicting articles. Instinct/ hope/ experience with what i've seen of life argues that this person is OK and not a breakdown waiting to happen. But I'm tired of hoping and being battered by anxiety and self loathing.

Hi I am going to mirror this post into OCD. Members will see it in both places. Also, when you type a long post the server may time out and you will lose the post sorry. If it is long I will use a text editor and then copy and paste the text into the post.