H-OCD + Porn Addiction.. Can You Help!!??

Hi Friends.
First of all, sorry about the english, it's not my native language. And I've never studied English.
I'm 21, and I'm straight and I've always been straight. I understand the concept of HOCD and I had it years ago. Gay thoughts that used to made me sick, because I only like the woman body. But, a few weeks from now, I started to think about penis.. the penis form, and penis being sucked. Probably because of my addiction to porn, just like the friend who started this thread.
On the first days, these thoughts made me sick. With the days passing by, And the thought never stopping, I started to not feel disgusting anymore. Now, half of my mind seems to even enjoy the penis. It's like 50% of my head still are the person I always was until 21 years old, and 50% became a penis-fan and enjoys licking penises. And even thinks that the penis is beautiful.
Now i can't watch a blowjob video without my attention being in the penis... my attention went FROM the girl lips/tongue/mouth, TO the penis.

I don't recognize me anymore, and the fact I'm not sick of it anymore, makes me very depressed, with suicidal thoughts, because I don't like to start enjoying penis all the sudden, and it goes against the HOCD, where the person DON'T like the thoughts... I'm afraid i have turned into a straight guy who also likes penis. 50% of my head tells me that. sometimes 60%. Is it possible? Or the GAD plus HOCD can make me feel like enjoying things I don't really enjoy...?

I also don't feel the same strong attraction i felt for boobies. Since this penis thing started, I look to boobies and feel 10% of what i felt before. Plus Anxious. Is like my head transformed me into a straight girl (???) who likes penises and don't like woman. Help me!

Well.. That's it.. You can imagine it's being pretty hard to live with these things. I feel like i'm living my life just waiting to die now... I will never be myself again... The 100% peaceful and straight that I've always been.


P.S: I don't have, never had, and never will have, any problems with homossexuals. I just don't like being one myself. I never was. It's not for me. Even though right now i don't even know what i am anymore.

I can relate to your story almost 100% , the mental blockage, the eurphia and I still wonder if I have HOCD or not. i am also around your age too so I can relate to your story because i've been struggling with this for about 10 years now and this is really the first time in my life that im being open about this kind of stuff to try and get some kind of help. I think the best thing you can do is try and get a therapist that you can see weekly. What works for me is confronting my dark desires and writing them down, spend a few hours a day just writing down my sexual obsessions. Try to stay away from negative people who you think would judge you I guess too would help. Im still struggling with these issues pretty bad though so Im still working on it.