POCD or paedophile?

(I'm sorry if this is long or parts don't make sense. It's kind of hard to type this out.)

I'm a 25 year old female. I have scrupulosity OCD, and recently I think I'm suffering from POCD. At least, I hope it's just POCD.
I'm attracted to both adult males and females, and I would never want to do anything with a child. To be honest, I don't even really like children that much in general.

But every time I see a child, whether on TV/pictures/real life, I have to question myself on whether I'm attracted to them, or tell myself they're too young for me to be attracted to if they're obviously teenaged.I try to think something like "that's a cute child" "I like their character/personality" "they're a pretty girl/good-looking boy but obviously too young for me" but it's like my brain sees it as attraction first of all and latches on to that. It makes me think that maybe I'm saying they're cute or something just to cover up the attraction, since that's what seems to happen first. I kind of get groinal responses, but not in a way that I would usually if I was attracted to an adult. It doesn't feel the same.

I sometimes get random sexual thoughts involving them and it's just started happening when masturbating. I try to suppress them because I don't want these kind of thoughts at all. I've never had one that I enjoyed or wanted. They make me feel sick and revolted. But I also have thoughts like maybe I really do like it and that I'm not 100% sure that I would never do anything like that. Even though I try to tell myself I know I wouldn't. It's like I'm conflicted. I just want to be normal and not have this kind of thing in my head. But even as I'm typing this it's like my brain is telling me "well maybe you do want this".

I've never purposefully looked at anything inappropriate involving children. I'm pretty into online communities like LJ and stuff because my depression means I don't really have real life friends. I used to read a blog that was pretty mean and they posted someone's underage (about aged 15-17) nudes twice to embarrass them. Once I realised what I clicked on the second time, I immediately exited and never went back. Another time, someone linked me to their blog and it had their nudes. Once I knew they were under 18, I immediately exited and blocked them.Those times I had no idea that they were underage or what I had clicked on, but I feel disgusted at myself for having seen them. I felt like I was a paedophile and that somehow I had made it happen.
I went swimming a while ago, and I almost made myself leave the pool I was in because there was a l
baby girl next to me in a bathing suit, and my mind went into overdrive with thoughts I couldn't stop, even though they were distressing. The only reason I never left was because I was with my family and I wouldn't have been able to explain that.
I have very recently looked at an innocent picture of a young child and tried to sexualise it to see if I got anything from it, and I think initially I had a response, but I was able to make myself see that it was just a normal picture. I'm very disgusted with myself for having done that and I wish I had never. I feel like a paedophile for having even done that.
Sometimes I try to rationalise that it's ok, or that maybe paedophiles are not that bad. Or even that abuse isn't that bad (I know it is.) which is what some actual paedophiles do. Then I feel extremely guilty for having thought that and that maybe I'm more worried about myself and how society would treat me if they knew. If I try not to worry about it, I feel guilty for not worrying about it enough like some people on here do or that I'm accepting it.

I'm supposed to be taking Venlafaxine(Effexor) for my depression and other OCD, but I'm scared that taking it will just "mask" or try to excuse me really being a paedophile. Like it'll just stop me from being what I really am.
I don't feel like I can be around my family much or even my pets, because who would want someone that has these kind of thoughts near them.
I don't think I want these thoughts. Even though they're upsetting and they make me distressed,there's a part of me that is like "maybe you do and you're not really that upset"
Could I be a paedophile?

You should read some of my posts.

This is all classic POCD. The mere fact that these thoughts horrify you is a huge POCD sign.
If you wanted a child, you would know at puberty. It is an "orientation" as I have researched. Like being "gay" or "lesbian."

I am only a couple of years younger than you, and I experience more groinal responses than anxiety to my thoughts, which terrifies the hell out of me to be honest with you. I've always crushed on older boys. I once crushed on a boy 8 months younger than me, at age 10, and that felt wrong even then. I've always sought relationships with older guys.

I've suffered with HOCD too, and am currently battling ROCD at the same time as POCD. PM me if you ever need to talk. You're not alone. I've met about 12 other POCD sufferers, all girls between the ages of 20-35.

You should definitely talk to a counselor about the thoughts your having about young children. Avoid letting it lead to you touching a child, and try not to be left alone with any children to prevent yourself from harming them or touching them. Because where a person's thoughts are, their action may follow. Get help soon.

Breezy wrote:You should definitely talk to a counselor about the thoughts your having about young children. Avoid letting it lead to you touching a child, and try not to be left alone with any children to prevent yourself from harming them or touching them. Because where a person's thoughts are, their action may follow. Get help soon.

So everyone with Harm OCD are really killers who enjoy hurting people, everyone with POCD are child molesters and everyone with HOCD are homosexuals who really like to have sex with the same gender?

That message is complete bull****. This is POCD, which has gone very much out of control. I suggest you arrange a meeting with an OCD Therapist, preferably specialized in CBT/ERP therapy.

If you are not attracted to children, or if you don't want a romantic/sexual relationship with them, you are not a pedophile. End of story.

Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate them. I'd been convincing myself that POCD isn't real, or that it's just as bad as if I were a paedophile. :/

I think the Venlafaxine is helping, but I still have a hard time being around people in general. I can't tell anyone I know about this because I know they wouldn't understand. I don't think I'm worthy of having friends or family because of this. I feel like I'm hiding something from them, but if I told them then I would have nobody. I just feel disgusting and that I shouldn't be around anyone.

How do you deal with that kind of thing?

Absolutely agree with Aredian. I do not have any attraction to children at all. I have groinal responses but they are all unwanted. I'm sat in a swimming pool cafe right now watching my boyfriend and his mom and our friend swimming. There are little kids running around. I look but I just see kids, that's it. No groinal responses at all. In Finland there is no concept of privacy. Last week I came swimming here for the first time and was surrounded by naked women and little girls it was hell given that I am from England - the worlds most paranoid country. Over there you only have to look at a child for 5 seconds and you're branded a pedophile. If I was a pedophile I'd take advantage of going in that changing room. The fact that I'm avoiding it gives me my answers. I'm doing a type of exposure therapy and it does help. Everything in our imaginations is amplified by the fear. I fear groinal responses towards women and children, so what happened? The groinals are amplified and stronger because I'm fighting and resisting.

In terms of family and friends, tired, I understand you. I have the most loving boyfriend who knows all of this ugly stuff in my head. He says until actually do anything, I'm not a pedophile or child molester. I'm so stuck on the groinal responses. My thought pattern is that if I have arousal to a certain thing, then it means something when in fact all it is is the fear of me getting it which makes it happen. As soon as I recover from my ocd I will be training in this field to learn more about it and help others. Its destroyed my dreams of having my own children. Its pulled its pants down and taken a big poop on it. You'll get passed this and just remember that there are some ignorant idiots on sites like this who are uneducated. I've suffered harm ocd and homosexual ocd. Does it mean I want to hit my boyfriend on the head with his laptop or have sex with a woman? No! Just the same as I really don't want to touch a child no matter how much my mind says that I want it, I never do it and I never have and I never will. The same goes for you my friend.