ROCD - Don't wanna be alive anymore :[

i first got rocd in april of 2012, like everybody else it was obsessive doubts, checking for feelings, intrusive thoughts....etc. i managed to surpass most of it, including the checking for feelings and ignoring some types of thoughts. but the past year has gotten worse for a specific reason..I've probably read more stuff online than ANYBODY with rocd ever has. because nobody with rocd has ever had to deal with what i am about to explain or at least it doesn't seem that way....I've read up on things such as "obsession" "how you can't love another if you don't love yourself" and guess what? I've been in a monster of a mind that has fully convinced me it's not love. and my mind also has proof to use against me, i'm insecure, i ruin my relationship with these insecurities, anger, jealousy, envy, hatred to my partner's friends, hatred of her bisexuality and envy of the gender i'm not...every single day i'm either being angry at her, confessing (which is my compulsion, to tell her everything i feel deceiving of...so yes i do have to tell her that i'm obsessed and that i don't love her because my mind makes me so convinced and worried of hiding it ;(...) basically i never put her first, i'm needy, possessive, i definitely am not even giving let alone selfless, i clearly want and need out of this relationship, i'm nothing without her...i literally rely on her for self-worth, so can anybody actually tell me how i can possibly be in love and save my mind from this rocd hell? :{ i cannot bare it any longer...nobody else has seemed to have searched this deep like i have. I read everybody else with ROCD's stories in hopes maybe people bring this up, but their issues seem minor compared to the stuff i've read and been convinced by. everybody believes it's not love if you don't love yourself, my actions are no way loving at all...:[ i just have nothing to go by anymore that gives me hope it's love? :{ what even is love...selfless, giving, putting them first, everything i'm not. i'm in a long distance relationship too so i spend everyday online talking to her 24/7...it's beyond dependent and obsessive i have no life, no job, nothing. is there any part of me that could be in love? anybody? :[ i can't even tell myself what most people with rocd tell themselves which is "if you didn't love her, you wouldn't be worrying/obsessing about it" because my mind will just backfire with "you only obsess and worry about it because you fear abandonment, you only NEED her, she's just a possession and obsession to you, something you can't live without, that would make you worry and obsess too, you can't be in love, you hate yourself, you don't know how to love." WHICH IS ALL TRUE :[

it didn't stem from genuine concern, it didn't start off as logical, but ever since i've gotten more attached, more jealous, obsessive, more insecure, more dependent, i've read so much that actually makes sense....like the not being able to love others if you don't love yourself, i must just be obsessed...like IT MAKES SENSE, it's obviously my situation and i am in denial...well not really, there is nothing to deny anymore, this rocd has become logical and real.

hi Toto, sorry for all the pain you are going through. although there seems to be ROCD going on, perhaps there are other psychological issues too. for instance, if you could somehow make the symptoms of OCD go away you might still be dealing with fear of abandonment, and so forth.

this happened with me. yes, the OCD caused a lot of problem. but I got it under control and found there were still emotional problems to deal with.

have you ever had therapy? have you ever seen a psych? maybe you could get the anxiety/OCD under control and see what else there is to deal with.

otter

i think you are right i am able to deal with the ocd issues a lot better than before, i used to deal with fearing liking others, groinal response...all to do with my relationship..but i can easily cope with those now. the main thing i can't stop obsessing over is just about if i love her or not and i've read so much i just feel fully convinced it can't be love and that leads on to me feeling like a liar every time i tell her i love her, but i don't want to stop telling her :[ i hate this. there is a huge fear of abandonment and a lot of insecurities and i think that is spiking my ocd badly because it all means it can't be love. i have no idea what to do right now, therapy is far away because i'm on the waiting list for ages. i feel like i'm hiding something from her, i feel guilty, i feel like i just don't want to be alive. i can't find anything positive that could possibly mean there is love

I've been there with everything you're feeling. I had huge issues with abandonment. When I broke up with my first girlfriend I hurt for two years and wouldn't date. WAY TOO LONG. That was 25 years ago. What I can tell you is, now that I look back on it, she had NOTHING to do with what was happening in those two years. Absolutely nothing. She was simply the tool to use in my own mind game, and emotional hang ups.

It took me time, but I cleared the pathway for something good. Now all my relationships are based on mutual giving, and no fear that if I lose someone, I am somehow doomed or lost or no good.

If you have to, separate from this situation. Take stock of your feelings, write them down and commit to a better day. Hold on to that day when you can get some therapy, maybe look into meds for depression. There is love out there for you, but you need to fix the internals. It's a hard road, but it's totally worth it.

Otter.

so you're saying i have to end the relationship and never talk to her again and that she means "nothing" to me? i'm basically being fed my fears now i knew it, i couldn't bare to not have her in my life, i can't do that.

I only said, if you have to because it is to hard to bear; if you decide it is hurting you. I can't tell you what she means to you. If you need her in your life, figure out a way it can be right for you. That would be great! But you are suffering, so you have to do something. Someone who doesn't want to live (even if it's metaphoric - I hope) needs to get a hold of some sort of balance.

I don't want to just tell you I feel sorry for you situation and leave it there.

Maybe it's best just to focus on the man in the mirror. The relationship with be there, but you need to find balance for yourself. I'm sorry if my previous post caused you ill, it wasn't meant to.

Otter.

i wouldn't even know where to begin with self love, no matter what i read, i have no idea how to reach self nurture and at least have respect for myself. i just don't know how to do anything.

the rocd is the bit i can't cope with, it's the feeling deceiving of her and uncertain (well most likely it's not even doubts anymore as i'm not capable of loving according to everybody else.) i just ugh, i adore this girl, so it hurts to think i don't have any kind of positives here...it must just mean nothing i enjoy talking to her or we have this great connection and bond and that she's the only one i can picture myself with, it must mean nothing that i don't want to be needy and i actually want to be a giving partner, it must all just be nothing :[

I think some good face-to-face talk with a professional will do you a world of good. I am sorry you have to wait on some friggen list!

maybe you can slow down trying to figuring it all out before you see someone. keep an eye on the calendar and try to enjoy what you can.

thanks for replying to me here you have given me a better outlook on some of what's going on here. and i know you didn't mean to trigger any obsessions in me, but i've been kinda hung up on how you said your gf was just a mindgame/tool for you? i'm getting kinda worried and obsessing about if that's my case and my mind is even trying to make me confess to my girlfriend that she's a tool and mindgame to me, which is absolutely sick, horrible, i never want to do that i don't think of her as that, but i can't get my head to agree with me as your post triggered something...

Ease up friend. Of course I loved my girlfriend, as you care for this person. I just meant that some parts of me was playing mind games with itself. You just need to calm yourself and try to enjoy the good things. I know that is easier said than done.