question to pedophiles from POCD sufferer **TRIGGER**

Sorry, but I simply won't converse with a pedophile. The mere thought sends tears running down my face and a complete wave of fear.

I know that what I have is OCD, and I will not sit and risk having a pedophile tell me that I am one of them. I'd rather get a shotgun and blow my brains to hell.

Sorry that was a panic post, but reading your post lilithum kind of helped in a sense, especially your comment right at the end. I nearly threw up, and wanted to cry...... I felt no arousal whatsoever. I've been having POCD on and off since I was 17. I worked with kids, and when I was around them, I wouldn't picture sexual stuff, and wouldn't feel sexual. I'd sometimes get aroused at diaper changes, but I'd always brush it off, and I'd not think on it. I enjoyed visiting my boyfriend at weekends and having sex, with HIM. I'd not ever think about a child joining in.. but in the last few weeks my images and things got stronger. I got intense arousal, but a feeling of dread at the same time. I didn't want those thoughts. I resisted masturbation, and would wait until all thoughts and images went away before having relations with my boyfriend. Even then, they would come back in my head. Now, I can throw all sorts of images in my brain, and I don't get aroused. Maybe 1% of the time, which is a great relief. To be honest? Pedophiles scare the living bejesus out of me. I simply won't get into a conversation with one, but I do feel I had to explain myself here just a bit. If I picture myself in a "relationship" with a child.. it just doesn't work. I have images, but they look all wrong. I looked at a picture of myself the other day, and I called myself a pedophile, and it felt all wrong, and I burst into tears. None of it feels natural. I have had HOCD (Homosexual OCD) at age 16. I thought for 3 weeks I was a lesbian. It was outrageous because I loved my boyfriend! If you asked me to touch a woman, I most likely wouldn't unless I was off my face. I had ROCD about 3 months ago, where I had urges to dump my boyfriend, and I wanted to kill myself then too, because I love him more than anything. For me OCD has taken things really important to me, or things that I fear, and it uses them against me. In my job working with kids, I was always very aware of how I behaved. I feared being accused of doing things, when I'd not done anything, and I never have, and never would. I've been acccused once, when I was 18, of maybe doing things inappropriate with a bunch of 12 year olds who I had a couple of conversations with. This woman was a crazy nutjob living on my road, but I think it's affected me somewhat. I don't look at a child and think "my god, I want you in my bed." I look at a child and I smile, I feel a warmth inside my heart. I want to cuddle them, teach them, protect them. I don't want this horrible thoughts and images, and I don't want this constant doubt about "who I really am." I am frightened of becoming a mother, because I am frightened the POCD will come back, and I'd act on an "urge" or "impulse." Then the POCD comes along and says "It's only because you don't want to get caught and you don't want society to hate you." It's a constant battle in my head. I was getting better and it was all going away but now I'm not so sure again. It's my own fault for reading this post, I deliberately trigger myself to test myself.

standinginline wrote:I only realized after posting my post that this isn't just a site on OCD (I have so many bookmarked I lose track of what has what on each site ). I also didn't realize that this had initially been posted on the forum for peodopholia so was a bit shocked about the matter of fact tone from YouthRightsRadical. I've had a look on that particular forum and even though I'll never agree with it (which I think is the same for many people ) being on such forum does show you are looking to make sure no one gets hurt. What goes on in your head is your choice.

Sorry about about jumping the gun

I do appreciate that. No hard feelings. The matter of fact tone is sort of a product of the fact that this is my life. If I were horrified of myself every moment of every day, that would be exhausting. And being mentally exhausted isn't exactly good for a person's impulse control.

My intent wasn't to upset anyone. I was trying to lessen some of the fear that's driving this self-destructive cycle of testing. Maybe what I said wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped, but that was the intent.