HOCD almost caused me to kill myself.

The first part of this happened on January 6th, 2014.
I just started getting this HOCD recently and it's been killing me, I rarely enjoy what I used to whenever it's on my mind. It started last year late 2013 when I started getting small gay thoughts in the back of my head when hanging out with some friends, I was able to keep it at bay for awhile, but eventually, It started getting bigger and bigger, now I can't look at a guy in public without thinking "Oh he's cute" or sometimes my mind will even wander to a desire to perform gay acts on guys, I've been getting headaches from it ever since then, and the few moments where the HOCD isn't affecting me, while short lived, make me feel attracted to girls again, even though they don't arouse me as much because of excessive, well, you know, masturbating. Anyway, I get off to gay porn to an extent, but I never wanted to do it. Now HOCD is taking over my mind, even when I've liked girls all my life. (I even got close to having sex with one of them at around 13 yrs old. Thank god I didn't do that.) I still feel like I'm not gay, yet when the HOCD fades away, the gay thoughts remain. It's like a neverending cycle to me, and I hate it. Even If I do have these constant gay thoughts without the HOCD (Which would show that one leans primarily in that direction when it comes to the sexuality) I still feel no attraction towards guys at all, so I'm wondering if this is still the HOCD and I only THINK that I got rid of it. I just want all this to end!

The following happened today. (think of it like an update)

Now, it has only gotten worse. I should mention that during all this, I never got aroused by any women. ANY. No matter how many I looked at or naked or not, they never got me going. However, on the contrary, looking at guys bodies never got me off either.

I know for a fact that I am straight. But I do have a small lingering bicuriosity, but that's all it feels like, however, the OCD blows it out of proportions. I know I have OCD even though I haven't been diagnosed with it. Because I have a lot of the other symptoms. HOCD just starting recently and adding to that, as I said. Today I still have all these gay fantasies mentioned before, but they still don't mean anything to me. I really feel it's just my bicuriousity being blown out of proportion by the OCD. A few minutes ago was some of the worse moments of my life. I just woke up from a nap and ended up looking at pictures of women completely naked to reassure myself, I couldn't help it. However, I didn't feel any ounce of arousal, like usual. When I realized that, I just looked up guys naked as well, nothing there either. I still feel like I really just want these thoughts and fantasies to go away so I can love women again. But then, I found a forum linking to a movie called "Prayers for Bobby" which was about a guy finding out he was gay. I felt really anxious during the entire movie, I couldn't shake this fear that I'm really gay. And after the movie was over I believed that I was actually gay. I suddenly thought that I was going to kill myself if it came to that, as I can't live with myself being gay. I'm just so scared, And now that I'm posting this. I can't deny that I don't have any attraction to men. However, The recurrent doubts are making me believe that I really am gay. The movie didn't help at all either. It only made it worse! Even If I really am not gay. My HOCD itself along with the curiosity taking over my mind is really making me want to kill myself anyway, I absolutely hate dealing with this disorder anymore, I just want it to go away so badly, much more then ever now. I'm so scared and I just wish I never had to live with all this pain. I'm hoping to god that this is really HOCD, as the doubt of not being diagnosed with it is also scaring me. Please, I just want to know if this is real HOCD, and that I'm not just exaggerating. I also want to know what I can do to live with it. The fact that I also do the same repetitive routine every day is not helping either.

SK -

First off, if you are suffering this anxiety so bad that you are having suicidal thoughts please seek help right away. Contact a friend or family member, or get yourself to where you can get help. This will pass, believe me, but if you are losing control, please seek help right away.

If you have no interest in being in a relationship with a man in a way that is goes beyond just sex, than this certainly can be HOCD.

Sexuality can be confusing for most of us at any given time in our lives, even if we are not obsessing over something. Heterosexual people can be bi-curious and even may experiment with it in real life. Some of my homosexual friends have had heterosexual erotic experiences. It is my opinion that we are more than absolute ideas (one thing) of our sexual identity. In the end we gravitate to what means the most to us. And you can do that by losing the fear of one thing or another.

If you are suffering OCD pretty bad then you need someone to help to reduce that anxiety. I couldn’t go it alone, ultimately. The help I received let me take control.

Again, if you have lost control of this thing, or are about to - please get help.

Otter.

otter wrote:SK -

First off, if you are suffering this anxiety so bad that you are having suicidal thoughts please seek help right away. Contact a friend or family member, or get yourself to where you can get help. This will pass, believe me, but if you are losing control, please seek help right away.

If you have no interest in being in a relationship with a man in a way that is goes beyond just sex, than this certainly can be HOCD.

Sexuality can be confusing for most of us at any given time in our lives, even if we are not obsessing over something. Heterosexual people can be bi-curious and even may experiment with it in real life. Some of my homosexual friends have had heterosexual erotic experiences. It is my opinion that we are more than absolute ideas (one thing) of our sexual identity. In the end we gravitate to what means the most to us. And you can do that by losing the fear of one thing or another.

If you are suffering OCD pretty bad then you need someone to help to reduce that anxiety. I couldn’t go it alone, ultimately. The help I received let me take control.

Again, if you have lost control of this thing, or are about to - please get help.

Otter.

Is it normal to temporarily lose your sex drive towards females if you have HOCD?

Hey shadowking, just wanna tell you that yes it is totally normal to feel like you're losing your attraction towards women when you're dealing with this sort of thing. When anxiety floods your system, your libido gets wonky and makes it seem like you're not as attracted to women anymore - could be for any number of reasons, but it all stems from your anxiety. Besides, have you heard of someone spontaneously losing their attraction to the opposite sex? And don't take my word for it, there's tons of HOCD articles written by experts that corroborate this.

Good luck.

Jed wrote:Hey shadowking, just wanna tell you that yes it is totally normal to feel like you're losing your attraction towards women when you're dealing with this sort of thing. When anxiety floods your system, your libido gets wonky and makes it seem like you're not as attracted to women anymore - could be for any number of reasons, but it all stems from your anxiety. Besides, have you heard of someone spontaneously losing their attraction to the opposite sex? And don't take my word for it, there's tons of HOCD articles written by experts that corroborate this.

Good luck.

Is it normal to think acting sexually to guys every 5 seconds when you have HOCD? Also, what if I don't feel the anxiety from the thoughts all the time, only sometimes. Is that part of HOCD as well?

Shadowking58 wrote:

Jed wrote:Hey shadowking, just wanna tell you that yes it is totally normal to feel like you're losing your attraction towards women when you're dealing with this sort of thing. When anxiety floods your system, your libido gets wonky and makes it seem like you're not as attracted to women anymore - could be for any number of reasons, but it all stems from your anxiety. Besides, have you heard of someone spontaneously losing their attraction to the opposite sex? And don't take my word for it, there's tons of HOCD articles written by experts that corroborate this.

Good luck.

Is it normal to think acting sexually to guys every 5 seconds when you have HOCD? Also, what if I don't feel the anxiety from the thoughts all the time, only sometimes. Is that part of HOCD as well?

Yeah....I had at bad at first but never aroused. It got worse when a gay guy at work hit on me through Facebook. Not only did it spike but I got grossed out at the same time.

Listen , I've come to learn these are just thoughts. I'm 25 and I started getting OCD after a bad break up with an ex girlfriend that was terrible. Then the rebound I fell for left me for a job in a distant location all in 5 months this occurred. I was down in the dumps lonely and all of a sudden these thoughts spiked.

I now know these were insane thoughts lol. You will too because I'm 25 and before then I never once had a homo sexual thought. I always had the plan of having fun with women, dating and long term/marrying a beautiful girl when the time was right. Almost did until that crap hit the fan. I'm realizing I'm just regaining my trust to start dating again and I'm feeling better especially not looking for random sex with them but something more.

My advise: have a beer and think in your calmest moment can you imagine, intimately and emotionally being with the same sex? Building that relationship with them? I couldn't and it brought stress and anxiety to the point I didn't enjoy the thoughts.

You will be alright. Try avoiding masterbating and consistent sexual hormonal thoughts. I've been doing it lately and I've been horny a lot and craving intimacy from a woman. However I'm trying to pursue a long term relationship so I'm not thinking of sleeping with every girl. I want to most definitely but I know it's not right to do now.

Let me know if that works for ya.

postbreakupstruggles wrote:

Shadowking58 wrote:

Jed wrote:Hey shadowking, just wanna tell you that yes it is totally normal to feel like you're losing your attraction towards women when you're dealing with this sort of thing. When anxiety floods your system, your libido gets wonky and makes it seem like you're not as attracted to women anymore - could be for any number of reasons, but it all stems from your anxiety. Besides, have you heard of someone spontaneously losing their attraction to the opposite sex? And don't take my word for it, there's tons of HOCD articles written by experts that corroborate this.

Good luck.

Is it normal to think acting sexually to guys every 5 seconds when you have HOCD? Also, what if I don't feel the anxiety from the thoughts all the time, only sometimes. Is that part of HOCD as well?

Yeah....I had at bad at first but never aroused. It got worse when a gay guy at work hit on me through Facebook. Not only did it spike but I got grossed out at the same time.

Listen , I've come to learn these are just thoughts. I'm 25 and I started getting OCD after a bad break up with an ex girlfriend that was terrible. Then the rebound I fell for left me for a job in a distant location all in 5 months this occurred. I was down in the dumps lonely and all of a sudden these thoughts spiked.

I now know these were insane thoughts lol. You will too because I'm 25 and before then I never once had a homo sexual thought. I always had the plan of having fun with women, dating and long term/marrying a beautiful girl when the time was right. Almost did until that crap hit the fan. I'm realizing I'm just regaining my trust to start dating again and I'm feeling better especially not looking for random sex with them but something more.

My advise: have a beer and think in your calmest moment can you imagine, intimately and emotionally being with the same sex? Building that relationship with them? I couldn't and it brought stress and anxiety to the point I didn't enjoy the thoughts.

You will be alright. Try avoiding masterbating and consistent sexual hormonal thoughts. I've been doing it lately and I've been horny a lot and craving intimacy from a woman. However I'm trying to pursue a long term relationship so I'm not thinking of sleeping with every girl. I want to most definitely but I know it's not right to do now.

Let me know if that works for ya.

I'm sorry, but I don't drink. What about anxiety that kicks in whenever I see male characters in TV Shows, movies, etc?

It did and still does. But nix it with a positive mind set. I just did. Heck I used to masturbate to Maria sharapova (I played tennis and tennis fan) in tight shirts and shorts.

Use your past. If you were always into women, this is just OCD doubting yourself. And you just solved something. Your "responders" are anxiety. Not happy arousals.

postbreakupstruggles wrote:It did and still does. But nix it with a positive mind set. I just did. Heck I used to masturbate to Maria sharapova (I played tennis and tennis fan) in tight shirts and shorts.

Use your past. If you were always into women, this is just OCD doubting yourself. And you just solved something. Your "responders" are anxiety. Not happy arousals.

If I were to beat the OCD, and the gay thoughts still continued, would that mean anything? I don't think so.

Shadowking58 wrote:

postbreakupstruggles wrote:It did and still does. But nix it with a positive mind set. I just did. Heck I used to masturbate to Maria sharapova (I played tennis and tennis fan) in tight shirts and shorts.

Use your past. If you were always into women, this is just OCD doubting yourself. And you just solved something. Your "responders" are anxiety. Not happy arousals.

If I were to beat the OCD, and the gay thoughts still continued, would that mean anything? I don't think so.

Nope. It wouldn't bc it's a thought. Heck I get thoughts of reaming out my boss who took forever to get me an approval to apply for a promotion. I didn't do it. I wanna punch people in the face occasionally but I don't do it. It's not me. I get thoughts that I'd fall off a ladder putting away seasonal furniture. Doesn't happen.

And these HOCd thoughts are uncomfortable. I know I would never act on them bc they don't seem right and natural to me. I have a gay friend from college. Good friend. Myself him and my roommate met freshman year and we were great friends. We always had some sort of idea he wasn't like me and my roommate. He'd stay with the girls and have girl talk while we would watch the games on Sundays. He would always shy away from hooking up with girls when he had the opportunity. He came out when he was 20. Two years ago a bunch of us were at the bar. He was with some dude who he was dating. They were grabbing each others Groinal areas and making out on the dance floor. I almost threw up when I saw it.

That feeling does not change my friend. Just recently my hocd means I am in self doubt/confidence in myself and over thinking everything. A lot of it has to do with the break up. The girl I was with broke me down with saying I wasn't man enough nor do manly things. I realized she was crazy.