hocd help please

Hello,

First of all, English is not my language so i hope you can understand me well.

I have always loved girls all my life. I had my first girlfriend when i was 9 years old, and kissed my first girl on the cheek when i was 7-8. I have played football since i was 6 years old (im 21 now) and never did i find men attractive sexual and romantical. But like every human being i could say someone look good or i could admire someone. But not sexual, just like a rolemodel or friend. I have had 4 girlfriends and i remember how lovely it was. Specially i remember one girl, how much i loved to be around her when i was 15 years old, whenever i was close to her i just wanted to touch her, kiss her and help her with the studies just to have the oppurtunity to be close to her. I loved girls so much, felt in love with a lot of girls on tv like Jennifer Aniston, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez etc etc. I even spent hours looking for flats, cars etc etc for me and my future wife. And when i say i loved everything with girls i really mean it. When they wear leggings, their Victoria Secret parfume, their voices and their smell. I would skip my lessons just to be close to some of the girls i loved. Taking care of a girl and feelt that i had a girl that loved me was so wonderful. I remember me dreaming about playing football and my girl would come and watch me and i would to 4 goals and then take of my shirt with the text ( I love you xxx).

I have been dealing with OCD for a long while. First it was to wash my hands x times, then it was to only watch chanels that had was on the numbers 4,8,12,16,18 etc or something would happen to me. Then my OCD would start to play with obsessions bout death. If i didnt tell my mother all the bad things ive made in my life each day something terrible would happen to her (like she would die etc).

Now you got some background info about me.

Now to my main situation.

One day in september 2012 i had a terrible dream when i was sleeping.I had a graphic gay dream, which is out of character for me. i woke up 4am in the morning scared and terrified about the thought. I felt so bad and couldnt get back to sleep. That was the begining of the hell. In the most important moment of my life. When i needed to to do well in school, when i was having a wonderful girlfriend etc etc.

First let me say i watched porn very much. i had porn addiction and needed disgusting things to get the click that i got before. i would always end by closing the tab before i came and start to fantasize about something i loved like my ex etc. And i always felt that the $#%^ i fapped to was disgusting after.

I remember me watching porn first time. I started by fantasizing, and then started to watch clips on youtube of two girls kissing(that would make me stonehard) and then went on to lesbian sex which was amazing and then to normal straight sex. etc etc.

After a while i masturbated 3-4 times a day. But my love was still the same for the girls and i loved everything with them.

But after that night everything just went in to hell. I started checking every uy and started checking me making anything with them and then start to compare that to girls, and all i felt was just anxiety and fear etc. I checked all this things in my head with all kind of men, old, ugly, young, handsome and it all felt the same. I only felt anxiety and fear and because i didnt know it was hocd and because i was so terrified i kept doubting even though i felt in love with a several girls while having theese thoughts. And in the begginings i still had my attraction for girls and dated many of them even though i felt so deppressed with all the hocd checking and the thoughts etc. When a girl added me on facebook i would feel like im the most happy guy in the world. All this thoughts become more intense about checking etc and after 8 months i finally realized it was Hocd, i got all those symptoms that were mentioned and i felt so good, but only for a while(2days) and later after that i needed more and more reassurance. i would check up everything. By this time i was texting with a girl and felt better, also i had a lot of friend. But after a while ( this last 6 months) i have became more lonely, dont have any friends, doesnt go so well with the girls and im very depressed and stressed due to money problems etc.

So nowadays i feel worse, i was so sure just some months ago that it was hocd but know my mind is really telling me it isnt ocd. i feel like every guy i see that just looks good or that i admire like a football player, my ocd is telling me your admiration for him is sexually etc etc. And the more reassurance and checking i do , the more real it feels. I have never wanted to have any special with a guy. Like i said they doesnt seem attractive to me in that way. The thought of their saliva, smell, body etc disgusts me and i think sexual things with guys are so gross and disgusting. But my mind cant even see the difference anymore sometimes and even to i deep down know i am disgusted by theese things it keeps telling me i like it and sometimes i feel numb like i cant see the difference anymore...

Im so depressed and feel like this will never end. I feel lonely and due to all this depression etc i find it hard to get arousad by girls, but when i have a good day and feel confident my arousal for girls really comeback and i will feel the wonderful side of life. But my question to you is:

Do you think it still is hocd?

why cant my mind see any difference anymore like it could some months ago?

Why does it feel so real?

im so depressed right now.

Feeling anxiety all the time with theese thoughts and i feel so depressed cause they dont dissapear, and i feel like i would rather die than have another guys saliva in my mouth. And when i sometimes dont feel anxiety after a thought i will feel ill and get anxiety for that. And sometimes my mind tells me something that i know is #######4 in real life but im still believing that #######4. Im still going to the gym and when i shower i see a lot of men nude and that doesnt arouse me at all. I just feel like its disturbing or i get anxiety when start checking.

I also feel like i cant admire my rolemodels anymore and say someone looks good cause my ocd will tell my that i am gay etc etc.

when im calm i really love the thoughts of girls, their saliva, my first kiss , their voices and me taking care of them. But when the anxiety starts and the ocd i feel so depressed and i feel like im in denial and $#%^. but i really hate the thought of a guy sexually and romantically even thought my hocd says the opposite.

whenever i kiss a girl and dance with them i get hard even with this hocd. and when i get hard im feeling calm and happy and then my ocd says i would feel the same with a guy even though i would hate to to something like that with a guy and feel like its disgusting

sorry for the long post but i really hate my life at the moment. hate all the spikes, anxiety, depressing $#%^. my life was so perfect...


Lately after all this it is trying to tell me i like it and the anxiety goes but then comes back and it keeps telling me i like it and i dont want to fight it off etc etc

Hi!

You're not alone. I suffer from OCD, HOCD, ROCD and Pure-O.
I'm in the same place right now. Just a few days ago I suffered from ROCD, now the HOCD has started to kick in. And it's hell. I think it's the worst form of OCD.

If you ask me, yes, I think it's HOCD. Since reading your compusions you have in your head when you check everything with every guy. I do the same but about girls, since I am a girl. I feel scared, afraid, and very high anxiety, because I don't want to be a lesbian. I want to be straight, I always have been, I even have a boyfriend to prove it but the OCD can make you doubt absolutley anything. It attacks what you are most afraid of.

The reason why your mind can't see any difference anymore is because of the compulsions and mental checkings. The more you do the compulsions, the less they will work and the worse will your OCD get.

It feels so real because it's OCD. It can even make you doubt your own name or if you're alive or dead. You get a thought into your head -which is just a thought, and when you react to this particular thought, you give it meaning and the brain then think that this thought is important -and when you give it meaning, that's when you get a feeling or the feeling of anxiety that makes the thought feel true, even if you know at the same time that it's not. But of course, the more you try to "solve" the thought, the more you will believe it's true.

Hope this helps! And just remember, you're not alone.
Felizia