POCD or ACTUAL pedo? TRIGGER WARNING

I've just had a new disturbing thought, after reading a post so so helpful this morning, I felt a sigh of relief. I tried telling myself, "You know who you really are, loving, caring, kind, don't want to hurt anyone, why are you doing this to yourself?" I sat on the sofa next to my boyfriend after a struggle to get out of bed, and while sitting there I pictured a naked little girl next to me and imagined I was fondling her clitoris, and as I am typing this I am getting incredibly sexually excited. So aroused that I wanna lay down right now and masturbate, but at the same time, I feel sick, I want to cry. What is going ON!? I dont want this!!!! But the fact that I feel excited in my chest, and aroused, this is totally new to me, as before it was just deep intense arousal in my clitoris.

Should I just accept that I am a peado and hide away in my own filth and disgust masturbating every hour to the things in my head? Cause the urge is only getting stronger but I don't want this any more. I really feel like killing myself. But then if I accept I am one, I feel like I am lying to myself!

If I think I am talking to a peado, I get freaked out and go all numb and weird and feel sick.





This is all copied and pasted from the Paraphillias forum, but I realize I should have posted here first.

I would like to raise the issue that my intrusive thoughts about kids are not the only thing that gets me so intensely aroused, it can be memories of when my parents had sex, when I get really angry e.t.c.
I am so scared, so so scared and so close to reaching for that knife to end it all. I don't WANT these thoughts. When I see a child on TV, I feel or think nothing out of the ordinary. As soon as they start doing sexual positions, or perhaps in reality when I've seen them fondling themselves, that is when I've been aroused, but it's UNWANTED arousal. I cannot stress enough that the only person I wanna be aroused by is my boyfriend, and the thoughts and images I have arouse me more than he does, but have I fixated on this too much? I have a tendency to fixate on issues and just think think think, and research. I never want these things to happen, but half of my mind says it does, and I've started believing all of my thoughts because of the physical feelings attached to them. Maybe the below will explain in more detail.


I will start by saying it's taken me a heck of a lot to write this issue out. This isn't something new, it's happened before, but I was able to cope with it back in the days where my mental health was nowhere near as bad.



At a young age I was s**ually promiscuous and explorative. At 5 I remember having a teddy shoved in my pants, and my Dad walking in angrily telling me to take it out. By age 8, I'd be using teddies as tools for m*****bating myself with, and in bath times I'd be shoving my barbies face into my private region. (Not up myself, just in the other region). I would purposefully go to bed early just to ******bate, this happened on and off. I'd go through phases and come out of them again. When I got older, I started hearing my parents having AHEM. I got extremely aroused from this and ended up ******b8ing in my room when I was 11 one night, when I'd taken an innocent trip to the toilet, and passing back through the hallway, saw my parents in the act. (Even typing it, I become aroused). I *******ted immediately to relieve myself of ****** tension, then cried straight after. My Mom came in and told me that what they were doing was a perfectly natural thing. She went back to bed and my Dad wanted to continue, but she said no. I heard him grumpily sigh and turn over. At the same age I was watching a taped recording of Free Willy. The programme ended, and right after came a p*** clip. Immediately I got curious and extremely aroused. They were doing base 3 on each other, and that is where my fetish began. I was absolutely relieved when my Dad moved out by age 13, thinking "finally, I don't have to listen to them doing the deed anymore!" He moved out for 2 weeks before my Mum asked him back. I was devastated. Not only was my father an angry man, but also I couldn't cope with hearing them having ***. It got me so aroused, it was intense, and to this day, even thinking about it still gets me intensely aroused. Finally, he moved out again, and this time for good, after just a few months. Things were okay then. At 15, I met a guy, we went into a relationship, and I had *** for the very first time. Of course, it hurt. He wanted it again, I said "okay" but was reluctant. We finished for the second time. He wanted it a third time... at first I said no, and then he hung his head looking sad, so I agreed to a third time. Thankfully it stopped after that. I had always wondered about ***, always wanted it, was jealous that I couldn't have it at the time I wanted it, which was age 11. My *** drive was through the roof, and so was my (then) boyfriends. We'd have *** every hour, for 8 hours, when I visited him. One weekend I decided to sleep over at his place. We decided to try base 5.... He started pushing himself slowly into me, but it was hurting, so I asked him to stop. Instead of stopping, he forced himself into me, making me scream for him to get it out. He did so, slowly, causing me more pain. After I sat on the bed and cried, he put his arm around me, but #######3 in the process. Our relationship soon came to an end when he dumped me, probably out of guilt. I remained with him, why? Young... naieve...
I soon got with my next boyfriend, just a few weeks after that one. The relationship lasted 5 years, pretty healthy *** life. Things were good at the beginning. However 2 years into the relationship, I left school, and started working in child care. My boyfriend was a year older, so the same level of immaturity. He would constantly crack jokes about pedophilia. "Bag and tag the kids, take them in a wagon" that kind of thing, but would never be explicit with his jokes. Me, again being stupid and young, went along with the jokes, thinking it was just harmless fun. I worked in a nursery after I left school. I one day thought to myself "what if I became a pedophile?" Well anyone with anxiety or OCD knows the dangers of "What If." Back then I was totally unaware I even had OCD or Anxiety. In public places at beaches, I would see little girls running around naked, and get aroused by their exposed.. ahem... I'd quickly look away, feeling very uncomfortable, and try to think of something else. The distraction was great and worked and I didn't think about it any more, and was able to function normally, despite the naked kid still running around. Then it affected my job. On rare occasions I'd get aroused, but always dismissed it, and carried on with my job. I was always very aware of my job, and very aware of how things can be misconstrued. During my time as a nursery nurse, I would be afraid to hold kids the way everybody holds them. One hand under the butt when picking them up. I would use my arm instead, because I didn't want parents or co-workers to think that I was touching up a kid. When I would go and visit my friend and her 2 girls, I'd watch her eyes observe my hand which I picked up her little one. She would watch my hand supporting the child around the butt/hip area, which made me feel uncomfortable, like she was watching my every move, but it was totally innocent. Soon enough the thoughts and fears and what ifs went away. Arousal came from time to time when a little girl was running around naked, but only for brief moments, then it'd be gone and I'd think nothing else of it. Problems grew later on when my ex boyfriends sister moved back into their family home. At weekends when I visited, her new boyfriend would also be visiting. On a few occasions I heard them doing the deed in the next room, the bed banging against the wall at a fast pace for 2 hours really intensified my arousal state. I love base 2, and normally it can take me 20 minutes before I climax from base 2, but this time it took me 30 seconds because I was so intensely aroused. The relationship with my ex ended after 5 years. We grew apart. I take a contraceptive pill that stops my periods, and one day I was bleeding heavily. I rang him concerned that I was pregnant. He flew off the handle, so I ended it with him there and then. I was fed up of his selfish attitude. The bleeding resulted in a miscarriage that weekend. I was unaware that I had conceived and I had consumed a heavy amount of alcohol over the entire weekend. During my relationship with my ex, I had unhealthy thoughts about my Mum also. I remember one particular day, we were on our knees laying a carpet in my bedroom, and her butt was right in my face. I instantly starting getting intrusive thoughts and images of me doing things to her private parts. I was totally shocked by these. Another occasion she was sitting on a chair, leaning back talking to me, waving her leg from side to side. This intensely aroused me as I thought of her AHEM region opening and closing. I looked away and tried to get the thought to go away, almost close to tears.
When I met my new boyfriend, he had an 11 year old daughter. The thoughts soon returned. Me and my ex boyfriend would have sex in the opposite room, and I started remembering how I felt at that age. "I wonder if she ******bates or get's jealous" I thought. Bang... arousal came. I felt horrified. I pushed it away and avoided her at all costs when I felt that way, which was about a quarter of the time that I was with her. The times that she didn't wind me up with anger at her behaviour, or when I was having those unwanted thoughts, I treated her like she was my own child. Comforted her when she was sad, counsellor, made her food, baked with her. Loved the time I spent with her. She was a lively and beautiful young spirit. When I got into the relationship with my now ex, my whole persona changed. I was no longer fun loving, bubbly. I was afraid to leave the home. I am an emetophobic, and when people spit, that sets off nausea, which sets off anxiety around my emetophobia (fear of vomming). My ex boyfriend was a very depressed man, and I believe that I am a very influencial person, therefore his personality almost rubbed off onto me.. I became anxious suffering panic attacks, struggled to hold down a job, I was a mess. February 2013, he dumped me. It came out of nowhere. I should have seen the signs, but for me it was total shock. I fell into deep dark despair when I moved back in with my parents, sitting in the dark box room, enclosing myself away. Suicidal thoughts came in. Who could possibly love me? I am fat, overweight, have acne, small chest, I'm unconfident, no self esteem, I might as well die. All I wanted then, was Ed back, my ex. He strung me along for 6 weeks. In those six weeks I tried to see a therapist, get back on track, stop focusing on spitting and emetophobia. After 4 weeks of being strung along, I was getting tired of waiting for him. I went out of my mind, crazy. Spoke to about 15 people looking for answers that only he could give, even spoke to his ex girlfriend, then lied to him about it. He found out and that finished it all completely. I don't think he ever had the intention of getting back with me anyway, but to be honest, he wasn't suitably matched for me. He was quiet, reserved, wasn't interested in intimacy, wasn't outgoing, closed minded, grumpy, fell asleep and got me to look after his daughter all the time instead of doing it himself. As soon as I stopped looking after his daughter, he decided I wasn't good enough anymore. He dumped me a week after I found her getting up to no good on chat websites, giving out her details about where she lives, her phone number, posing as a boy asking other girls for sex. Admittedly, when I read her messages, there was a slight arousal, but more concern, worry, fear about what she was getting herself into.
Moving on... when my ex dumped me, AGAIN, I lost control. Wanted to die. All over again I had to go through the loss, but soon recovered. I joined a dating site, made some new friends, but never really "clicked" with anyone, until I met Roland, who is my current boyfriend, 9 months together. Things were great when we met. We clicked instantly. There was doubt in my mind at the start, as to whether it was too soon, but as soon as he came onto Skipe and started talking to me, the thoughts and doubts went away. He moved to England to be with me, and we clicked instantly. Things were great and wonderful. No intrusive thoughts. Life was picking up. Soon that all changed. My parents told me he couldnt stay anymore, and had to go. The only option was for him to move back to Sweden, so I came with him and that is where I am now. Things were amazing when we moved here. Again, no thoughts, no worries. But just 10 days after we moved here, my Mum tried to kill herself. This has been a re-occuring problem since I was 12. She has reactive depression and emotional instability disorder. Depression runs in my family blood line, along with various other complications such as back and stomach problems.
We visited England in October for my Brother's wedding. Uh oh, the intrusive thoughts came back halfway through our trip in England. Pedophillic images entered my head. I felt ashamed at the arousal I felt about these thoughts and images, trying to will them away. I told my boyfriend, who has supported me throughout this 100%, because he and I both know, these are all unwanted thoughts. Everything about my Mum, everything about pedophilia, I wanted it all to go away, and still do. When I was 16, I had the fear of being a lesbian, and became increasingly aroused over images of womens AHEMs. I watched an episode of south park, where the camera zoomed in onto a womans AHEM region. She had trousers on, but I grew upset as I became increasingly aroused. I hated it. I hated the thought of being a lesbian. Soon those worries went away, and then when I started my nursery job, that's when the pedophile ones came. So I opened up to my Mum about my pedophile fears while we were in England too. She tried to reassure me that they are just thoughts. We attended my brothers wedding. I got slightly drunk, and danced with 2 younger girls at the end of the evening on the dance floor. One must have been about 7, and the other about 10. There was absolutely no arousal what so ever. We hugged, danced, smiled, laughed, and I praised them as they were showing me their little dance tricks and cartwheels. Being so totally drunk, I fell over while dancing with a child and fell on top of her. I was so frightened that I'd hurt the child! Thankfully she was okay and laughed her head off.
We came back to Sweden, and I had an incident with my boyfriend. I found out he'd watched **** 3 times in our relationship. I became aroused by this information, but also absolutely distraught and questioned if the relationship was still what I wanted, which was silly because I used to use **** for the same reason he does, as a quick release to get rid of tension. 2 weeks after that incident, I battled endlessly with the thoughts that I didn't love Roland anymore. It was a nightmare. I sunk into deep depression. I didn't eat, didn't sleep. I just studied all the time, which is when I found this site. Now my intrusive thoughts have stopped attacking that, and are back onto the pedophile ones, only this time they are worse. I am researching as much as I can about intrusive thoughts, and found sexual intrusive thoughts to be a very common one indeed. Over the last few days, I've heard a voice in my head, egging me on, telling me I like what I see. That's funny, the SAME voice told me I didn't love my boyfriend anymore. The SAME voice told me I wanted to leave him.
I have 2 strong images in my head, BOTH of which cause intense arousal, the same that I experienced when I was 11 and heard my parents having sex. One is of me doing something to baby girl, the other to a 4 year....and in my mind, the voice says "but it's okay, because you're not ACTUALLY hurting them physically with your actions, therefore this is okay." I actually watched a movie once, where a girl had been assaulted, she must have been 4, and she described the act committed on her as "kinda nice." Even that arouses me.. and that's just a fictional movie, but I wonder if because she made that comment, that my mind has picked up on that, and used it in my intrusive thoughts.... Every part of my morality tells me that this is NOT okay, but anxiety and it's voice is so strong, that it has me believing I like this stuff, and that I am a Paraphillia. Why have I chosen that word? Because in an article I read something that describes that exact same symptom I am having. Yesterday, I experienced intense arousal with these images. I just let them be, as that is what I had read on advice forums. I let them be there, I didn't worry about them, but the arousal intensified. I was tempted to ******bate, just to relieve myself, but I resisted because I didn't want to be "getting off" on the images in my head. I created a new obsurd image, my Mums dog and a baby girl, my arousal continued to be there! I was astonished and confused! It's wrong. So wrong.
My boyfriend came to bed, and we were intimate.. What normally takes 20 minutes for a climax, took about 2 minutes. While having ***, I felt pleasure, but devastation.. Devastation that these images have caused extreme arousal, and not my boyfriend. After ***, I cried. I felt like I'd gotten off on these images. Sure, my boyfriend arouses me, but the sensations are different. I have a very happy intimate and physical life with my boyfriend, we are equally compatible, sharing the same drive, and very active. Sometimes images have popped into my head during *** with my boyfriend, which immediately turns me OFF. The more I will these thoughts away, the more they come anyway. The behaviours of my mind about this subject, match that of the thoughts with my boyfriend. The more I think about them, the worse they get, and the more my thoughts are exasperated, and worsen, and my body created physical reactions also. I feel dirty. I don't want to be touched by my boyfriend because I feel so wrong. I haven't eaten in 2 days now. During these arousals, I get so uncontrollably wet, as if I haven't been intimate for a year! Finally, I've actually felt like I have the urge to carry out these acts, and download stuff, as a further test to test myself. I can reassure everyone that I HAVE NOT, and WILL NOT do that, because morally, I know right from wrong, and when I think about it, it's sickening, but these urges can be so strong, the arousal can be so incredibly strong also. As a person, it is destroying me. My nature is not to hurt people. If I think I've upset someone, I spend days obsessing about it, and crying about it, until I pluck up the courage to ask them if I have done something wrong. I am in that same predicament with my boyfriends mother.
I am terrified of being told that I am a pedophile. I'd rather die. What quality of life is that? To be aroused by young girls for the rest of my life. I'd rather be put against a wall and shot. It makes me fear being a mother, and I think I'd be a good mother deep down. First I was worried about having a child because of them getting sick, but now I'm worried that the thoughts will take over and I won't be able to fight the urges anymore. I am at a total loss. TOTAL. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I've contemplated ending my life over this because I just don't know how to solve it. I have no job, and I live in an isolated area. I don't do much at all, so it gives me plenty of time to "think." When I had a job, I loved my job, working with children, teaching them, nurturing them with my warmth and kindness, patience and tolerance. I even wanted to be one of those people who help abused children, and rescue them from harm... I read so many stories on child abuse because they catch my eye, and I think "Why?" And did I pick up some of my thoughts from there. Has my mind adapted to that of a pedophile because I've exposed myself to such things? I read the words sexual, and pedophile, and I am instantly aroused. I feel so guilty, for all of this. Nothing but shame lies at my feet...
I also think it's important to state that when I am angry, I get extremely aroused also.
I have sought help from a therapist. I emailed a therapist in Stockholm today to talk about Skipe sessions. I am waiting for a response from her, and I will be searching everywhere for more therapists. I don't want these thoughts anymore. All I ever have been is a good person. I've made mistakes and I've said things, but I've tried to be good to everyone, help everyone, and it feels like this bad stuff shouldn't happen to someone who has been nothing but good in life. I am at a loss. I don't want to be judged, or called something I am not.
Please don't judge me on actions I haven't committed. I would never hurt a child. My mind always comes back and says the images I have isn't hurting them. It may not hurt them physically, but psychologically and emotionally I know it would, and as I said, I just don't hurt people.
Please someone, help me. I am so lost and panicked over this mess.

I can say for sure the arousal has gone, even with having this image playing back in my mind. I feel sick... I feel destroyed as a person. The logical side of my brain thinks if I really like this stuff why would I be so upset by it? If I really wanted it to happen why would I wake up having panic attacks and why would I fear going to sleep if I thought they were gonna enter my dreams and why would I sit here studying and researching instead of just going out and acting on it? Anytime someone even comes close to calling me a peadophile, I feel sick, part of me dies inside. It's the same if they tell me I don't love my boyfriend or if I am a lesbian.

Found more answers today, just from typing things out.

Come up with a couple of revelations.

I've been accused by a parent of being up to no good with her kids, when I was around 18 or 19. I went outside to interact with these kids because I was fed up of being stuck inside and in an isolated area where I had no friends. Unfortunately these kids were around 11 or 12, so way younger. I had no interest in them in any dirty manner, I just wanted a friend. The mother started asking the villagers about me, and her daughter told me she thought I was "up to no good" and luring them in to abuse them.

Secondly, I've always been paranoid that people think I am a pedophile, because of the way I act, or behave, the things I say, or even how I hold their child. I have one very good friend, and whenever I pick her children up, the normal way to hold a child is some people place a hand under the butt as a support. I've noticed my friend watch my hands very carefully when I pick up her children. Note this isn't someone who knows about my mental health issues. When I hold a child however, I am always super aware of how I hold them, whether I am alone with them or in front of anyone. I make sure I sit them on my hip or rest on my arm, NOT my hand.

The final thing I do not understand though, is I feel like I have a desire to act out on my urges, that I have a hunger, and an appetite, but over the years I've read lots of articles and abuse stories, so is this just a falsified feeling hightened by the OCD and anxiety? I don't feel frightened when the thoughts initially come, but when the arousal and intense excitement comes, I get very upset and distressed and want it all to stop and go away. I thought this was really important to throw out there.

Any insight would be wonderful.

I can't believe I missed this last post - you were accused of basically abusing children. I think this is huge!

When I read that it reminded me that I too had an "accusation experience" that was different but I think it affected me just as powerfully.

I might try to PM you about it tomorrow when I have more time.

Slightly off-topic, but I also have a friend that had an "accusation experience" when he was a kid. He said his parents basically accused him of doing something sexual with a male childhood friend of his (I heard the story, it was completely innocent and normal behavior!!). After he told me that I finally understood why he acted so weird and hypersensitive about not wanting to appear gay yet being fascinated with homosexuality at the same time (he is straight btw). In his case, his parents accused him of wrongdoing (and he obviously felt guilty for it) for doing something completely innocent. I believe that "outlawing" normal and innocent behavior and giving it a horrible label (homosexual, pedophilia) would lead a person to believe that you MUST be a homosexual or a pedophile for wanting to do those things (i.e. hang out with a friend or give a child a hug). I might give a male child the impression that hugging a guy is a homosexual act. The kid probably would grow up with very odd notions of boundaries and feel extremely guilty for wanting to hug his friend or dad or whoever. It's sick thinking and unfortunately those of us with similar "accusation experiences" we have to figure out what was and was not right about those scenarios.

It sounds like you didn't do ANYTHING wrong in your scenario but were accused of horrible wrongdoing anyway. I think it would be extremely helpful to take another look at this scenario and consider that you probably had false guilt about it that carries on to this day and tarnishes your self-image in that area.

Well yes, I was very upset, but I haven't thought about it for a few years. It's not something that really stayed with me. I was hanging around a bunch of 12 year old kids. I was 18 ish. So what? I wanted to feel cool, and like a role model to them I guess. I had no friends in my area, so figured I'd try and make some. I didn't do ANYTHING to them. The thought NEVER even crossed my mind. I never had any intrusive thoughts or images. It was like the 12 year old in me was joining them, and wanting to chill and hang out in the pool and have a laugh, play computer games or whatever. Sure, I had that as a child, but I also had to sit wondering if my mother would kill herself today.

I must refresh this page every 10 minutes to check for new posts lol. I read one earlier that said "pedophiles justify their behaviour". Well I've had a "belief" whatever you want to call it, that the 2 acts i'm committing on these children are "okay because they are not in physical pain." And in my images, neither of the children are actually reacting to what I'm doing anyway. It's as if I'm not even touching them inappropriately, they are just continuing on as normal. But the image of me doing things to kids isn't clear. I cannot see their faces really, or even their bodies. The focus is all on the downstairs region.

I have found a girl on here, a year younger than me, with the same fetishes as me, but also the same sort of fears and worries. It feels good to know someone who's going through the same sh** as you.

Feel free to PM me any time. I think your sarcastic tone may be helpful in these situations.