Relationship OCD

Hi,

People reading this have probably heard about this and a lot of you might've even experienced it yourselves. But I'm a 17 year old male, junior in high school, and I'm currently suffering from ROCD (Relationship OCD). If you've never heard of it (a lot of therapists out there actually haven't identified it themselves), its basically fears that you possibly don't really love your partner, that your partner doesn't really love you, that your going to get dumped, that the relationship isn't right, that you aren't happy, or that you want the relationship to end. But deep down, you know your partner and the relationship are important to you, and that your partner cares for you too. These fears are messing with my head constantly and seem so real. They start to convince me that I don't really have feelings for my girlfriend. It happens on and off. Some days I'm doing great, and I feel like I'm crazy for her. I feel like everything is going to be okay. Other times, I feel so confused, anxious, and fearful, and the fears feel so real its crazy. It really hurts.

Here's some background. Bear with me, because I have ALOT to say. I've currently got an absolutely amazing girlfriend. She's 15 years old and a freshman, and she's so beautiful, sweet, intelligent, caring, loving, supportive, and has made me extremely happy. Her family is great. I really like them, and they like me a lot too. My family adores her, as she adores them too. I've dated a total of 7 girls in my life (I think that's about right), and she's hands down the greatest girl I've EVER been with. I've been with her for two months as of today. I know that two months isn't long at all, and we're taking things slow (we haven't told each other "I love you"). But we are very affectionate and intimate with each other (we haven't had sex, we're both virgins). I always enjoy being around her. But since the relationship started, my ROCD has kicked in from time to time throughout the time we've been together. It comes in spurts. I've identified it, which is good. But when it comes, it really hurts a lot and I hate the feelings it gives me. Its mainly when I'm NOT around her that it happens. When I'm with her, I'm usually fine (although it has shown up before when I was with her a few times, but wasn't as bad and didn't stay for long). This stuff started at the beginning of this summer. I became depressed, and began suffering from HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), which I still suffer from time to time but its not as bad anymore. But during the summer, it was so bad that I almost committed suicide by jumping from a cruise ship. I'm SO glad I didn't do it. I would've left so much behind, and done so much damage to the people I care about. After awhile things began to improve, but the anxiety would come and go. The last few girls I got myself involved with (which were all within a short time frame) I ended up having them problem with. But with them, things didn't last long and I try to avoid them now, and I have no problem with the fact that I'm not with any of them. I feel that with them I was just being compulsive and trying to prove to myself that I wasn't gay. I got with my current girlfriend in October. Even though I've had the anxiety with her, it doesn't happen as much. I've had days during the past two months where I felt like I was possibly in love. Those days are the best. I feel so great in those moments. I've actually somewhat fantasized about a future with her, and we've made some pretty good memories so far. Sunday night I had her over for the first time, and we had an extremely romantic night together. It was so amazing. Tonight and last night though, things have just sucked. I've started to feel less love for her all of a sudden and it kills me. I don't know if I'm necessarily "in love" because its only been two months, but I've felt a lot of strong emotion for her. She really adores me too, and puts a lot of effort into the relationship. On Sunday, while we were "cuddling", I told her that I see us being together for a long time, and I meant it when I said it. Her exact words were, "I really hope so, I don't want to lose you. Make it forever." Hearing that made me really happy. When I'm in my down moments, like right now as I'm typing, I feel so anxious, confused, stressed, and depressed. The thought of not liking her kills me. The thoughts of leaving her, breaking her heart, and making her sad absolutely destroy me. I was diagnosed with OCD, ADD, and Asperger Syndrome when I was young. These issues didn't start until the most recent summer (2013, and I was 16). I recently started talking to a therapist about a month ago. Had my second appointment with her yesterday. I take two medications. I take aderole, and luloflux I think its called (an OCD medication). I could be pronouncing it wrong. I've had days like this before, but the anxiety goes away after awhile (usually the next day once I've taken my medicine), and I all of a sudden feel crazy for her again. My relationship isn't abusive in any way, shape or form. We haven't fought or argued once yet, although I'm aware that it could happen at any time. No relationship goes without some issues, especially the good ones. She's so good to me, and I'm good to her. No girl has ever treated me the way she does. I've been through my fair share of heartbreaks with girls. Tonight, I'm just having a pretty bad night. It might be because I miss her, and we're on winter break right now so I'm not seeing her every day like usual. I don't have a license yet, so I can't just go see her any time. My love for her doesn't feel like it did over the past couple days. It just sucks so much. I want it to go away. I'll most likely feel better tomorrow once I take my meds and they kick in, but right now I'm just going crazy. Even though I've identified the problem, it still hurts so bad. I know that true love takes time, and I'm not expecting anything to last forever. But I would love my relationship to last for a long time, and I have confidence that it can, which I didn't always have in past relationships. Even though I suffer this, I always fight through it and tell myself its just in my head. I've stayed with her for two months, and there's more good than bad. Which could mean something. Everyone says we're adorable together, and that our relationship just looks right. Hearing that makes us both extremely happy. Are there any words of advice that anyone on here can give me to cope during moments like this? If so, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry this was so long. I probably look like a complete idiot. But oh well. Thanks anyway.

Hey Jay!
I dont know if youre still following this tread anymore but let me tell you this i suffer from the same freaking thing!!!! Im 19 years old and it all started just out of the blue, ny partner wanted to kiss me, but i was so tired since ive slept onl for 3 hours the previous day and just started college so i was a under a lot of stress,so i didnt really feel like doing it and there was the question in m head:omg omg omg do you even love him anymore??? I started histerically crying!and then all the questioning happened,and ive been suffering with it for 4 months,it is so bad,i sometimes get this oveerwhelming feeling that i dont love him and seems so realistic!and i just feel this urgent need to break things of and runaway!and them im like no god please please pleass please it cannot be that!ive lost a lot of weight,have troubles sleeping,im constantl depressed and crying ive completely isolated myself from the world,its a HELL.but theres good times lile you say,when i feel sooo in love and happy and want to shout out to the whole world that i love him and that these thoughs are so stupid and irrational!i LIVE for those moments.I started doing meditations, writing a diary, for example when im in that good mood i write everything thats happening to me so i can read it once i get into the bad one, oh and dont fight your thoughts, just let them be there, you have no idea how fast theyll vanish if you dont give them attention!
So i know i havent really helped you since i dont know how to help myself either, but i just wanted you toknow that youre not alone, and that if this is happening to a lot of people out there and its medically proved than its not the problem in our love for our partners than in our deepest fears and emotions but somehow they escalated on somebody we love the most