is this Pure P-OCD?! HELP! (PossibleTrigger?)

Ugh, i typed this twice already but the browser kept crashing. I hope i remember to include everything i had before.
-this is going to be long but please, someone, read it and help me. I'm going insane!
-I'm a female, if that would help you more thoroughly answer my q's.
-About a month ago, i thought something like, "what if i'm attracted to children?" i don't remember what sparked this. i felt horrible and it started driving me crazy. eventually, after searching through the internet, i found out about pure o and was relieved. i started to feel much better within about a week and was even able to be around my young cousin without being anxious or even thinking about it.
- about half a week ago, these thoughts came back full-force, with loads of anxiety. the night they came back i had a panic attack, was pacing around, crying, thinking "if i'm attracted to children, i'll kill myself. if this is pure o and i don't get it under control soon, i'll kill myself."
- i started to have horrible intrusive thoughts about kids that caused me a lot of panic. i told myself that i don't want them there and that they are just intrusive but then i worry i only tell myself that "because im a pedophile in denial". i'm scared i enjoy these thoughts and that i will soon just accept that. this is among my main worries.
- i keep having intrusive thoughts about a professional diagnosing me as a pedophile and me breaking down in sobs
- i've been looking at forums to reassure myself
-i've started looking away when i see kids in public. i've started avoiding shows and tv with kids in them because i'm scared of getting a "groinal response". i don't really know if i've even experienced a groinal response before.
- My number one worry is i'm scared to masturbate. I'm scared my fantasies will start out as people of my own age range, but then end up fantasizing about children. or that i'll just masturbate to thoughts of children and end up having an orgasm. i legitimately worry this will happen. and if it does, then what?!
- I'm scared that the next time i see my 8 year old cousin and am alone with her i will be "turned on" and cause her harm and enjoy it.
-i'm scared of being alone and without distractions because this is what usually when the thoughts start.
- when i start feeling better i fear that i'm just "accepting" pedophilia
-scared i'll come across inappropriate porn and enjoy it
-i've been:
extremely anxious
depressed and losing interest in things
losing sleep/restlessness
feeling like a horrible person
feeling like this will never end
feeling like the only way this will end it is me just "giving in" to the thoughts and becoming a pedophile, and that this is all just the start of me being one
simply terrified all the time that i enjoy the thoughts, will act on them, will enjoy masturbating to them
- i've always known about how terrible sexual violence against children is and have always cared about them deeply. I don't know what's going on!
- i haven't been professionally diagnosed but does this sound like pure o or something...worse? [oh god ] I'm scared to go to a professional bc i feel like my thoughts/feelings will be misunderstood. and i have no idea how i would ask my parents.
PLEASE HELP ME!
this is driving me insane, and it's only been going on for a short amount of time. i'm drained.

Im so sorry that you are going through this. Having experienced them I know how distressing they are. Firstly the fact that these thoughts are upsetting you as much as they are is proof that these are nothing more than intrusive thoughts. Ask yourself would you like more of these thoughts? The fact you dont want them speaks volumes as to why youre not a peadophile.

The anxiety youre experiencing is fuelling these thoughts and the compulsion here is youre seeking reassurance from others and yourself by debating the issue in your mind. My therapist told me that whilst this may provide some instant relief it is often short lived and as time goes on the harder it will be to convince yourself that its not true.

Therefore the only way to defeat this is to accept the thoughts which I know is really hard. But every ti.e the thought enters your head take deep breaths to calm yourself, tell yourself whatever its just an intrusive thought trying to trick me and then DONT entertain it in any other way. Dont go through the reassurance seeking process as that wont help.Eventually the anxiety towards itw
will fade. I hope you find a way forward but know youre not alone.

thanks so much for responding. it's nice to know someone cares. i know i'll still worry about this a lot, but i'll try your tips.

(One thing with this forum is it's best to copy and paste your information before submitting).

Next note... This screams PureO/OCD to me, so try your hardest not to convince yourself otherwise.

Dr. Steven Phillipson says it best in this case. Paraphrasing: "If you don't know if it's OCD, it is. Treat it as such."
obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html

For a little more reassurance, personally I believe PureO/OCD is a condition that can create itself quite simply and swiftly. It may not require or depend upon a long mental health record, drug use, an actual passion or interest about your obsessions and so on. I personally believe it is a something that can spontaneously create itself (disregarding factual science and philosophy, the stated may not be accurate, literal or factual). Again I have not read extensively into what actually triggers PureO/OCD within a person. I know stress, general anxiety and so on are all factors but I have read cases in which OCD has simply created itself over a mere thought, something a person didn't simply shrug off this time. This questioning has lead into full blown PureO/OCD, alongside this occurring the people have talked of caring and safe environments, loving family, little stress, etc. All cases are very different so it's hard to identify why it happens. That is my subjective input.

I too have done the thing you have done when my POCD started. I remember acting in the exact same way. I was avoiding children, constantly doubting and questioning myself, great amounts of fear, etc... So it does remind me a lot of my early case. The way you have written it too is when my POCD just started. I only suggest you to move forward and encounter all feelings and thoughts, ultimately they do not create or defy your character. As hard as it is, try to move forward.

Just from reading this I feel like I can conclude this is OCD/POCD but I am not a professional, so don't take this on board yet. You may need to see an OCD specialist but it's best to make clear your OCD/PureO first if you're seeing someone else, say a councilor or GP. Some professionals will not be trained to accept this information because it can be lacking a conservative medical understanding, explanation or treatment. I've read cases in which people suffering from POCD are diagnosed/treated with/as pedophilia/a pedophile, it is really due to misunderstanding and lack of education in this mental health area/about the condition. PureO is definitely something that needs to be researched further and learnt about through the medical education system and medical/mental health systems need to know it's a realistic condition, even though it has been disagreed with.

Sorry to cut this short, I will respond again later, but for now:
- Your thoughts sound an awful lot like POCD/PureO
- All your responses and feelings again tell me this is OCD
- Your feelings and thoughts are nothing but normal for this condition (I am not personally saying you have OCD but boy it sounds like it)
- The masturbation fear is normal, I too the other day suffered from this and I have POCD at the moment
- Your responses stem from anxiety. false interest=/=realistic thoughts and feelings=/=stemming from anxiety, fear and your generalized OCD's ability to convince you otherwise.

I hope I helped you to some extent and all the best. As I said I'll respond later.

Im sure you will continue to worry but know that by accepting these thoughts you are not accepting youre a paedophile. All you are actually doing is accepting these thoughts dont mean anything. A lot of people actually get these kinds of thoughts but with people suffering with OCD these thoughts dont get shrugged off as nothing as we give it more merit due to the anxious response.

The key thing here to realise is that it is not the thoughts that are the issue. It is your reaction. Hopefully by resisting the urge to react to the thoughts through mental checking and reassurance seeking, the anxiety will lessen.

thanks so much for this, i read this and the other person's reply last night and it helped keep me calm for the rest of the night. i'll anticipate your next response.

I'm not sure how old you are, so it is tough to make a complete determination, but pedophiles don't just begin to wonder one day if they are attracted to children, they usually can know as early as 12 years old.

Maybe try doing something in the community such as volunteering with little kids, and once you're close to them working with hands on activities, you'll start to lose your fears of being sexually interested in them.

I thought I was a pedophile for eight years, and it was in conflict with my career plans to work with kids, but once I started spending time around them more and more, I felt less and less like a pedophile.

Totally love this post because it has brought me some reassurance to my own issues. I used to work around kids and practically never got aroused unless there was a sexual action displayed, but that's because it's related to something sexual. I am not sexually attracted to children, nor do I want a relationship with one, I know that for sure, but my mind often plays tricks, tells me I like the arousal I get, tells me that I've always been this way, but truth be told I'd get intrusive thoughts when I was 17 or whatever, then I'd shrug them off as if they were nothing cause I knew I'd never act on them. Now I've gotten myself to the state where I don't know if I'd act on them, like I've lost all personal identity. As soon as I see a young girls hoo haa, I get all uncomfortable because I can feel some sort of arousal building, so I look away, but it's not the child, it's the fact that the hoo haa is a genital organ, used for reproduction and sex, sex being an enjoyable activity. There are lots of twists and turns, but I don't look at a child and think I want her, I say "her" because I'm a 23 year old woman strongly aroused by vaginas, vaginal foreplay and oral. I used to suffer with HOCD when I was 16 for a little while, and I've just gotten over ROCD, where I wasn't sure if I loved my boyfriend or not. Now I feel like I do, but my bodily reactions to the feeling of love loss was not good at all. I felt numb, and like I didn't love anyone, like I wanted to die. I have these thoughts and images, and get aroused by most of them, and although arousal is an enjoyable feeling for me, I don't want to be aroused by these thoughts and images, but ones of my boyfriend instead... but I can seldom get aroused by my boyfriend at the moment, because I'm so focused on the fact that my body is becoming aroused by these taboo thoughts. My brain even told me that some of the thoughts I am having are okay, because the children are not being physically hurt in them. It makes me want to cry, because there is a huge part of me that says it agrees that they are not experiencing pain, but it's true, they wouldn't experience pain, not with the images I am having, but that doesn't mean I think they are "right." It's very complex...

HelpMeSoScared -

I get what you mean and I'm glad you can relate. if you ever want to send me a personal message or something about all this I'm open! it's nice having people who are going thru the same things.

xfizzy, i added you as a friend and I pm'd you. Hope you're not offended by my PM. I'd actually forgotten you were the OP, so have the same worries as me, but a huge trigger for me is if I am actually communicating with a peado. It actually scares the hell out of me and makes me want to cry if a peado talks to me. Kinda makes me paranoid cause you never know who is and who isn't one in the real world. Same goes for murderers I guess, but I dunno, because I am having POCD I dunno... it's worse. If anyone replies to my post in Paraphillias I get real high anxiety. I just want people to tell me I am not one and that my arousal to these thoughts is just because I am so scared, but what I don't understand is I don't feel fear or anxiety when I am having the arousal, which makes me think that I desire the thoughts to be real... and to act them out. Makes me want to cry just typing this...