I am not too sure where to post this... *TW*

*trigger warning - animal abuse*

*moved from schizophrenia to OCD by mod - leaving shadow thread*

Hi all I am going to find it quite hard to write this post so sorry if it doesn't make the best of sense. Basically about 7 months ago. I hurt my cat, I was feeling really down and depressed and I was trying to deal with my Pure O OCD at the same time. I had got into a huge argument and I was really upset and a little angry. My cat came up to me and kept meowing in my face. I know she was just seeing if I was okay but she was getting too much. I can't believe what I am going to write but the next thing I know is that I had my hand gripped around her throat and squeezed her not extremely tight but not exactly gentle either and I shouted at her. Immediately put her down and I balled my eyes out at what I had done. The thing is I had to check that I hadn't grabbed her hard so I just put my hand around her again but I didn't squeeze( I have no idea why I did that and it baffles me to this day) After that had happened my OCD went into over drive and my harm ocd thoughts were going wild. But a few days later I did it again to both of my cats!!! I don't even understand why I did it, it was as if someone else had control of my body and it wasn't really me if that makes sense. After that incident I broke down to my mum who tried to understand what was going on but I don't think she has a clue. I haven't hurt my cats since that one incident but my harm urges keep trying to worm their way back in but I am ignoring them as best as I can. I most certainly am not saying what I have done is acceptable and I am living with the hurt and regret of what I have done. I feel like a monster and I just want to commit suicide. I want to have my old life back where I wasn't crazy!! I feel so alone in all of this and just wanted to let it all out. I am seeking medical advice and have got my appointment for next Monday. I know what I did was disgustingly wrong and I am truly sorry. I hate having these horrid urges and thoughts and wish they would just disappear and leave me alone. Please note that I haven't reacted to any urges since that time and I am learning to try to control the thoughts/urges and if I get one I normally just remove myself from the room or I find a distraction as I don't want to harm them and the thought of it makes me sick to the stomach.

Hello
I am not sure were your post would go best either. I'm sure a moderator will come by and put it in a better category. Schizophrenics don't usually harm out of anger but rather out of a delusion or paranoid thought. I see that you posted in the schizophrenia forum. It doesn't sound like you have that unless you thought the cat was sent by cyborgs or possessed or something like that. Don't like schizophrenia is a hell of a disease.

That being said I myself not related to schizophrenia do sometimes have angry surges. I used to have them a lot more. It was like the schizophrenia would wear me down so much that anything would just tick me off. I also have a cat and have not come to harming her. I had her when she was a small kitten and she was a handful. I would say my advice to you is to GET OUT as soon as you feel these urges. Get away from the cat. Leave the house. Walk around the block. Leave the room. Go to the bathroom and take a long shower. Go shovel the snow if you live in a snow area. Get away from them. That's what I do and I am happy to report no cats harmed.

If you feel you need more help anger management might be a possible solution. I have known people who have had urges like you and have taken that. It really helped them. You should talk to your therapist about wanting to start and talk to them about what happened. They won't judge you they are there to help you. Best of luck to you.

Yes I leave the room. I always do. The reaction of what I did was many months ago though and I have never done it again nor do I want to do it again. I believe it was a one off. I am not saying that it was acceptable though as I know it isn't and I am deeply ashamed by what I have done. But because I also have Pure O OCD based around harm that likes to trick me into thinking that I want to. I wasn't sure what category to put this under so I do apologise if I have offended you or any others by doing so. I just wanted to seek some advice and support from here as I hate having these thoughts and I do not enjoy them. Which makes me question why they are there

Thanks for the reply

- Vintage Charm

You haven't offended anyone I don't think. Ok that make more sense thoughts you can't control. That I can relate to I'm sure many people on this board can relate to. Have you talked to your therapist about this?

VintageCharm wrote:*trigger warning - animal abuse*

*moved from schizophrenia to OCD by mod - leaving shadow thread*

Hi all I am going to find it quite hard to write this post so sorry if it doesn't make the best of sense. Basically about 7 months ago. I hurt my cat, I was feeling really down and depressed and I was trying to deal with my Pure O OCD at the same time. .....I don't want to harm them and the thought of it makes me sick to the stomach.

I would call what happened to you, an impulse, rather than an urge. It came on you very suddenly, and it was not possible to stop it. That's called an impulse.

There are several possibilities as to where this might come from.

First of all, it's obvious that this behavior is not about you, you like cats, this is about a symptom of an illness. You're not someone who does this sort of thing. Your shock and dismay made that clear.

You didn't mention if you are on medication for OCD, or if you have or might have, any other diagnoses.

So. Possibilities. Your medications might need to be adjusted. Or you might not be taking the right amounts. If you skip it a lot of days that might be causing your trouble.

The other possibility is that you are getting some impulsiveness, just as a part of your OCD.

That to me, seems like the most likely. You didn't mention any other changes in your symptoms or any other new symptoms, that suggest anything else going on. That is the other possibility, that may be looking at an additional diagnosis. But again...you mentioned no other symptoms, so, that seems less likely.

Not saying so because I'm an expert, but just because - I think you need to discuss the trouble you had, with your psychiatrist, and I don't think you have anything to worry about as far as the psychiatrist being appalled or anything like that. He or she is really the one who can explain what's going on and make recommendations of what to change.

I hope the next time you have any problem, you just call up your doc right away, and tell him or her that you're having trouble and the two of you need to come up with a solution. Please don't sit and worry about it for months or get angry with yourself. Just make some changes and resolve the problem.

Until you get to talk to your doc(I wouldn't wait too long), I think the best thing for you to do, is when you're feeling really upset, put the kitties outside, or in another room, or just get up and walk into another room and shut the door. You may get some warning signals - feeling ill, heart pounding, things like that, and thereby know it is time to get yourself out of the situation. If there is no warning, heed the first indication you get, and move from where you are. You might consider keeping a towel or pillow nearby that you can grab and hold onto. Keep it in your hands. Try moving to a quiet room with no noise, and dim any bright lights. Stay there for 30 minutes and just breathe, slowly. Lying down may help.

If you have a strong feeling about harming again, whether it's yourself, the kitties or a friend or relative, call the doc right away, and if you are in danger, go to a hospital.

My friend had this happen to him when he was on the wrong medication. It caused impulsivity, which for him was hitting his beloved dog, and it made him think he was a bad person. I told him the same thing, this is a symptom, this obviously is not who you are. Get it taken care of and get on with life, you're not a bad person.

-- Wed Dec 18, 2013 2:57 am --

VintageCharm wrote:*trigger warning - animal abuse*

*moved from schizophrenia to OCD by mod - leaving shadow thread*

Hi all I am going to find it quite hard to write this post so sorry if it doesn't make the best of sense. Basically about 7 months ago. I hurt my cat, I was feeling really down and depressed and I was trying to deal with my Pure O OCD at the same time. .....I don't want to harm them and the thought of it makes me sick to the stomach.