POCD/pure o help (TRIGGER WARNING)

Hello, I'm new here. I am a 17 year old gay male. In the last few months I have been dealing with POCD and it's ruining my life. I'm going to try and explain in as as much detail as possible (unless you are experienced in this area please don't comment as I'm incredibly anxious right now.

Basically when I was 15 I really struggled with the idea of being gay, except I think I'd always known somehow. But I became obsessed with it, as in checking myself every time I saw a man, getting very anxious about it. Except in some way it felt right, I would become incredibly turned on by muscular men, and just found it so much more natural to be attracted to them. When I accepted this, for a year I was in bliss, I felt like I knew vaguely who I was and that I was a good person. Then this started a few months ago I was on holiday, and I saw a naked little black girl. I froze, and I could feel this sort of strange uncomfortable tingling in my groin and it really freaked me out. But I was able to forget about it and carry on with my holiday. Except from then on, now and again if I saw a child I would get this strange but mild groinal response. I have always been uncomfortable around taboo thing, when I was younger I accidentally saw a film with a theme of pedophilia and from what I can remember it really scared me, and from then on whenever anyone mentioned things like pedophilia or rape I became a bit anxious and uncomfortable, I can remember getting an anonymous caller when I was around 10 (turned out it was my older brother being drunk) and being terrified that it was a pedophile coming to get me. For the record, my mum owns a dance school and I've been around kids my entire life and never thought about this and never had these fears. I've actually always been a bit nervous of younger kids, I'm the youngest of four and I've always been worried that the children will start crying or I'll say the wrong thing and upset them, and I'd find that so embarrassing and I'd feel really bad. Going back to what I was saying, things have got so bad if I see anything even associated with children (like a child's toy) I get this groinal response that feels quite intense, but it's really uncomfortable and I hate it. ALSO IT NEVER TURNS INTO AN ERECTION, but I fear it might if I interact with it a lot, but I never want to. I want to say its like a kind of a nervous sexual feeling but it feels different (in a bad way) to when I'm aroused by men, like my genitals become incredibly sensitive and I get incredibly anxious and upset when it gets really bad. I would like to stress that I get this feeling when I see any toddler/child/baby, however it's never really about the actual child, it can be any child or anything I think is a child, for example the other day I saw an old lady from a distance and thought she was a child and got this groinal response thing. I hate not being able to view children in a non sexual way, it's like I'm trying to force myself to see them in a sexual light and I feel so distressed and sometimes nauseous. I'm more paranoid about boys, because I'm gay obviously. I also tend not to think about the child's genitals. I'm so confused because I've been on gay chat rooms where some 12 year old has been on there with a picture of them at the beach and I've not been aroused at all and I've told them to get off of the chat room because they're too young, I'm so upset that this has got so bad! I still find men attractive but it takes a bit more to make me aroused than it did before this, but when I get aroused it feels so much more natural and pleasant than the groinal responses I get from my fears of children (I've even tried to relax into the groinal response to make sure I'm not just repressing it but I can't relax!). And I get other fears like "what if I never find a boyfriend because of this" or "what if I get this feeling around my own children when I'm older" because I'm pretty sure I know I would kill myself before I hurt a child. I'm currently going through cbt for this, but I only have one session left until my review session and it's been very up and down, I've noticed if I don't interact with the worried and thoughts I can relax more, however I get paranoid that I'm just avoiding the problem or I'm in denial. I know that if I ever was deviant id probably end up killing myself, as I couldn't live with the shame. My therapist says I have a huge fear of being abnormal or a bad person (most people at school will tell you I'm one of the kindest people they know. I've always been extremely anxious. I think I've covered everything, I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, I know the best way to deal with this is to accept uncertainty but I'm finding that difficult as I worry that I've accepted myself as THAT kind of person. I guess I'm just looking for support, I just want my life back and to be around kids without becoming paranoid and anxious again. Thanks.

Oh I know if I don't day this my ocd will go crazy: if I've been masturbating to gay porn and I get an intrusive thought, once or twice I've tried continuing but it feels so sensitive but kind of fake, and I get very anxious. Then my libido drops and can't continue and I feel disgusted with myself, yet still I'm paranoid I'm in denial all the time, even thought I find men so hot! I've also noticed that if I think of anything else taboo that I know I don't desire (I have never desired to act on these responses by the way) such as my parents naked etc I get a similar response, but my mind won't listen to logic! I'm still plagued every day every minute by these thoughts, unless I completely ignore them, then they aren't so frequent.

(The content of this response may trigger)

Hi Gayteen17,

You're not suffering alone. I've been suffering with POCD for the last few years, my symptoms and thoughts varying in waves of intensity, anxiety, confusion and doubt. Usually my fears are based around family members because my fears are so heavily associated to them subconsciously. I believe it's due to my first intrusive fear and thoughts stemmed from thoughts of my 7 year old sister. I associate groinal responses and sexual thoughts to anything my in relation to my sister and I've found this link hard to simply ignore, I feel as thought I've spent so much time thinking about this it has ingrained itself into my visual diary, it's a constant loop and it's never evolved. I see it as simply a cycle my OCD has created in order to keep my anxiety and fears active, this has been going on for years, I've accepted the possibility of being a pedophile, sure, but it travels further than that. I know for a fact I am not and so do my closest friends and family. I am a kind soul as you have described yourself. It is not in our personal and physical nature, but in an mental and illusory nature that our condition has created, this being PureO/OCD.

My responses also can be created consciously as you have mentioned, not only do they happen with my sister but they have happened with worded thoughts, contact and visuals of animals, my father, my mother, children, elderly, mothers, fathers, newborns, etc. I've gone to the extent of creating groinal responses about the idea and deity we know as ''Jesus'' even though I am completely uninvolved in any notable religious contexts, followings or beliefs. It's been very extreme and all responses have no realistic emotional attachment aside from ones associated with my family. The responses caused by thoughts of my sister are merely an event to continuously obsess over, doubt and question. I believe it all started when I simply associated sex with my sister. Now the fear has never ended. My responses have never evolved into erections because I truly feel I have no desire in such an action, I've never found myself looking at child pornography, acting perverted around children and etc. I've faced many heart wrenching, vulgar and down right immoral and sick visuals and thoughts of children, even with the physical and logistical facts of never harming anyone or having an acute interest or lust presented quite clearly.
I've even gone to the extent of just googling the word ''pedophile'' and feeling like I ''identify'' with it only by looking at images, the layout, textures and so on. In addition to this, when masturbating I can begin having internalized words and dialogue enter my mind like ''child porn'', ''molestation'', my sisters name and so forth. These thoughts can occasionally run through my head seconds before an orgasm, but when an orgasm is occurring these thoughts immediately halt and I continue with stimulating thoughts of my partner, again this can show the reality of my obsessions. I later realize the stupidity and forced anxiety this produces although this does not stop the intrusive and obsessive thoughts.

I also do believe groinal responses are quite common with PureO sufferers, especially ones consisting of a sexual nature (POCD/HOCD) and all your noted fears sound like the certainly fit the criteria of PureO. I say try not to worry yourself to the deconstructive point, instead ride with these thoughts and emotions for the meantime, as twisted and as confronting as they are and may be. Lastly, PureO/OCD and groinal responses are all very confusing, upsetting, draining and bizarre. That is all for now. I'll respond with more information when I get the chance too.

- All the best for now and I hope I helped in some form and what I said was relevant to your suffering!

Groinal responses are usually physiological based on fear. When you saw the naked black little girl, you probably felt uncomfortable and physiologically thought of something sexual related that was unpleasant. If you are sexually aroused at seeing a toddler toy, it usually only means one of two things. Either you have POCD and the toy created a response to it, or you have an adult baby or diaper fetish.

I actually have a fantasy of being a toddler, having someone care for me like a little tike, change my diapers, and play with baby things. It is a fetish, but doesn't involve sex with children. I had POCD too for awhile. It pops up every now and then, but the trick is accepting uncertainty.

If you don't feel you have desires to have sex with kids, then you aren't in any danger to anyone's kids sexually. The thing to remember about works like pedophile, homosexual, ephebophile, is they are just labels. Not one label can define anyone's sexuality.

All I needed to know is that I work around kids and I don't feel any urges to make sexual contact with them, so any physiological groinal responses and erections I pass off as irrelevant. Most of the time it is because of my fetishes sometimes being associated with children. For example, I also have a spanking fetish, so if someone mentions spanking in the context of children, sub-consciously I'll think of myself getting spanked and sometimes get a groinal response. This doesn't mean I sexually want a child though.

Sometimes erections are not sexual and just part of our testosterone responses. For example, sometimes when I think of myself as a dad someday, that defines manhood for me, and manhood gives me a testosterone feeling. I am not thinking of sexual activity with a child as a father though, and I am not thinking about specific looks of a child when it happens though, and I don't actually desire that. The only kind of physical contact I desire with children is harmless, such as hugs, high fives, etc.

Next time you are around children and you get that groinal response, ask yourself what it is trying to tell you. Maybe try exposure type of therapy, and see what your desirability is with being in a sexual situation with that child and if imagining it brings any real pleasure or if it is disgusting to you. For me, even the most adorable children didn't bring me pleasure when thinking about whether or not I wanted sex with them or picturing myself in that kind of situation.

Thank you both for your replies. I would like to say again that I never feel properly aroused around children/anything associated. What I feel is this kind of tension, I'm not sure how to describe it, but I find it almost painful and uncomfortable. Whenever I become aroused by men I notice that it feels much nicer and completely different, I can feel it filling my body whereas the groinal response feels anxious and horrible. Even writing this I can feel it in my groin, it's almost stinging. Even the thought of picking up a child terrifies me. The thing I am most terrified about is shirtless young boys, as the torso is one of my biggest turn on in men. I've always been attracted to a more manly, muscular sort of man so it seems strange to thing that I could be attracted to a young boys body. When I look at men I find hot I think "I want to interact with them" whereas with boys I just feel anxious and terrified. Even hearing the word "pedophile" gives me an anxious response. I've always been submissive, I like the idea of men taking charge of me. When I think of having sex with children I feel nauseous, but I still get the groinal response. I get the same response when I think about death and rape, but less intense because I'm not afraid of them. I get constant fears that this is why I haven't had a boyfriend yet. These have responses have got progressively worse over the months, before I could look at a child and not even fear that I was attracted to them. It's strange the more I write about this, the more I can feel it's not real, not that that reassurance will last.
Also, I get these responses with both genders, of any age that I deem inappropriate, I can physically feel the fear shoot through my stomach and groin.

Based on what you're describing it definitely appears to be POCD.

The problem with me is, I thought I was a pedophile for about 8 years, much of that time when I was presently working with kids. I never touched a child sexually, but I did engage in inappropriate thought patterns about them. The reason I was able to enjoy certain thoughts were because of my fetishes, but I had no sexual interest in actual children. I never got sexual pleasure from the thought of molesting a child or using one as a sex partner. It seems as if you are experiencing the same disgust but fear being attracted to it.

Just know that you're not the only one that has ever had this. If it helps to talk to someone you know, pick someone close to you that is very open minded. I felt I couldn't move on with my life until I told someone about this and it paid off.

(May trigger)

I agree with Jack about groinal responses. I do believe they stem from your fears and come at times when least ''appropriate'' and unwanted. They will also happen more frequently when you associate them to selected subjects too, usually ones you don't spiritually agree with. This also could be any psychological link. I guarantee if you're to obsess about a taboo or socially unacceptable subject other than children it would again happen frequently due to your fear and obsessive complex, this could be incestrial rape or sex, incestrial marriage, bestiality, etc. You could even now create responses just about those words.

My POCD fears have gotten so extreme, intense and confusing in visual stimuli in the past I've seriously considered obsessing about animals rather than children, simply because I find it less confusing to deal with and responses wouldn't be so confronting and emotionally, sexually and physically confusing. I find the subject of animals much easier to ignore.
Also as Jack mentioned, tell someone very close to you about your suffering. I've told my partner who is very open minded and has suffered with thoughts of a similar nature too, although she is not obsessive and finds internal reassurance a lot easier to grasp she certainly understands the intensity and power of my obsessive and intrusive thoughts and feelings. Her relativistic understanding and approach to my PureO/OCD always reassures and convinces me otherwise temporarily. Groinal responses are what constantly kept my POCD fears circulating, primarily due to the fact that I had psychologically linked them to the subject/topic of pedophilia and children, this results in extreme confusion as to if I'm genuinely interested in the subject and children.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... -girl.html

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/ia ... ps-2854744

I was recently going through a serious fear cycle and awful confusion as I was forcibly justifying the above cases mentally and creating groinal responses. This caused serious confusion and depression as reassurance was hard to validate and believe. I was telling myself his actions were fine and nothing is wrong with his health or actions, but only to read this today with internal dialogue that consisted of ''This is just awful'', ''I don't understand how these people could do this to a child?''. I know the responses and illegitimate justification all stemmed from my own fears and present suffering, so this factor alone goes to show the unrealistic and confusing ability to convince yourself otherwise when suffering POCD/PureO.

I hope I helped and all the best for now!