Hocd won't leave me alone. Denial?

Hello all, I'm in a bit of a mental rut for the past two months.

I keep having hocd flare ups every new and then. Just when I think I am ok, my mind starts going off. If I see any guy on any social networking sites, my mind automatically gets a spike, it quickly says look by his picture. I say omg am I suppose to like it? I keep looking at pictures and trying to see if I am aroused, interested, do I like him? I hate it. I lived a perfectly heterosexual life before. When I was with my last friend with benefit and I told myself hey man you're going to be plagued by hocd, I would laugh at myself and say seriously dude? How could I ever doubt I love this? And this life style? I love this. It brings me joy.

My mind constantly goes on and on "maybe you are, look at that man" in today's world, on television for example, one gets a super saturation of human "perfection" of both sexes. Thin beautiful women and chiseled handsome men. I used to be able to just look at them and say wow perfect physical qualities, I wish I had some of those qualities a guy has but now? It's more like "omg he's handsome, do I like him? Do I want him? What if he were in my bed? And any sort of looking I do, I confuse with being gay. Even going into a public bathroom is awful.

I'm just mentally f**king tired at this point. I don't want to be gay, I have no problem with it but its just not me. Am I? Or is this hocd? I do believe hocd exists just like any other sort of fear or OCD- irrationality.

I suggest you read my story about being in the closet and how it is different from sexual obsessions in OCD. It might give you some insight on whether or not you're gay or have HOCD.

obsessive-compulsive/topic129375.html

I would say it's normal for you to have those thought. We, HOCDers, have those in common. It's intrusive thoughts. Just ignore them when they pop up in your head. Don't ruminate. Don't do anything about it. Don't try to find answer for what you did. Don't analyze everything. It's HOCD. People who are non-sufferers don't think they like everyone they see. When you spike, just let the anxiety be. Don't check for arousal. Dude you're not gay. Fear and love are mutually exclusive. When you think you're, don't fix it. Just say maybe I'm gay with genuine acceptance. Straight people don't think whether they're gay or not. It's in your nature. If you're straight, you are, and vice versa.

Thank you both for your replies. I appreciate them greatly.

Jackm678- I've checked out your post and I see the difference. I know I am not gay, whenever I think about being with a man emotionally or sexually I get flaccid and kind of a no thanks That's not for me. I mentioned in a previous post some weeks ago that I came out of a traumatizing relationship a while back which affected me greatly. Since then I couldn't be intimate with another woman. I just panic, I feel inadequate. My ex girlfriend really crippled myself esteem. I am not sure if this hocd is just a manifestation of that. Any opinions?

Suffertodeath, what gets me most is the line of straight people don't think whether they're gay or not. I didn't think so either. It's the actual doubting and the checking and the constant maybe you are, omg look a guy, look at him, you like it like it!, is what worries me.


I get a spike every time I see any man. The spike is even worse then I can honestly say, ok he's a good looking bloke. Then my mind goes haywire and thinks to overdrive.

People don't turn gay because they struck out with a woman or had a bad experience. I think I emphasized that a few times in my story.

That might make it difficult for you to be comfortable in a relationship again for awhile, but that isn't going to make you gay.

Jackm678,

Thank you for your reply. I could imagine and if possible, I'd like for you to input your opinion, any stressful environment could cause ocd. In this case it's my past relationship that caused me to feel this way. Never in my 26 years of life did I think I was gay or anything. Only the past 2-3 months when this
Hocd came to play and before that, I had ocd about be having cancer. I compulsively checked multiple times a day and I read and read

A gay man would of "always" sorta known right?

If you were gay you would have figured it out a long time before you were 26.

The "always" known part is a bit of confusion to me, because I don't know what people mean by always. I know that I have never been sexually attracted to women, but I wasn't really sure if I was sexually interest in guys until I was a late teenager.

However, I always have known I would prefer to have been with a guy over a girl if I had to choose, and that I was more feminine and artistic than most men. However, there are a lot of feminine and artistic straight men and a lot of masculine gay men. Many gay people will generally will have a bit of a feminine side that is greater than usual though. I knew I always preferred the body of a guy over a girl though.