ROCD--Need Advice. PLEASE READ.

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now, and about six months ago I started getting very intrusive thoughts. Minus a few normal fights, our relationship is perfectly healthy, but since then I have questioned the following:

1. Do I love him?
2. Is he the one?
3. Am I attracted to other people?
4. Do I find him attractive?
5. Am I attracted TO him?
6. Do I even deserve him if I feel this way?
7. Is there someone else out there for me?
8. Is he my type?
9. Does he annoy me?
10. Why do I feel this way? Or do I even really feel this way, or is it just my thoughts?

Questions that seem to never end, and my mind is constantly going in circles. These thoughts lead to the following actions or result in the following:

1. Feeling distant from him.
2. Feeling the need to question my every feeling towards him.
3. I notice all of his flaws more and more, and only focus on the negative things about him.
4. Feel anxious around him and away from him.
5. I have to search online for answers.
6. I get anxious when I find other people attractive, and wonder if they're someone I could possibly be with.
7. Feeling the need to break up with him even though I don't want to.
8. Feeling guilty all the time, and that he deserves better than this. Better than someone who constantly doubts their feelings for him. He deserves someone that will love him unconditionally.

These thoughts and actions are killing me and my perfectly healthy relationship, and the last thing I want is to feel this way. Can someone PLEASE give me some insight or advice or opinions. Has anyone experienced this? Even if you haven't, tell me if you think this is normal or if i truly have ROCD because that's another worry of mine. People break up all the time, what makes me an exception? But when I think of breaking up with my loving, sensitive, understanding, and supportive boyfriend it causes me nothing but distress and anxiety. I have posted on this forum before, but no one seems to have an answer, so please if you are reading this please take the time out of your day to help a stranger. I would appreciate it more than you could ever know.

Thanks so much!

obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html is a good place to start, if you haven't read it already. I know it's talking about a different kind of OCD, but I hope it'll still ring bells for you.

1. Do I love him?

There are many different kinds of love. So yes. And trying to analyse it further is just going to get in a muddle. It's not a coincidence that there is SO MUCH writing and singing and angsting about love. It's impossibly complicated. You aren't going to be able to solve it, so don't burn yourself out trying.

2. Is he the one?

Wrong question. Is he "a" the one? Again, yes. There are no guarantees in life. One or both of you could or will change. There's no way to know this for sure, and especially not in the Twilight, romantic certainty sort of way.

3. Am I attracted to other people?

So what if you are? You're a grown up, you don't have to act on those feelings.

4. Do I find him attractive?

Does that matter?

5. Am I attracted TO him?

See Love, above.

6. Do I even deserve him if I feel this way?

Relationships aren't a reward for having manipulated the claw-machine of Life correctly. They're a thing that people do because they hope it will be fun more than it's horrible. My apologies if that causes a new spike of anxiety. And it's the same for him, too. A relationship is something people do on an ongoing basis. It's not an end-point. Deserving doesn't come into it.

7. Is there someone else out there for me?

Yes. I don't personally believe that there's one single perfect person for each other person. There's just degrees of good and bad. The fact that someone else would also be good in a relationship with you is no reason to abandon this one. There's no such thing as perfection, it's not worth chasing.

8. Is he my type?

ROCD much. Yes, or you wouldn't have got with him in the first place.

9. Does he annoy me?

There's a problem if he doesn't. If he doesn't ever annoy you, either he's too perfect and hiding something from you. Or you're too forgiving and sabotaging the relationship by a lack of honesty. From the rest of your post, not an issue.

10. Why do I feel this way? Or do I even really feel this way, or is it just my thoughts?

Very interesting question. The difference between a thought and a feeling. And therefore whether a feeling can be intrusive in the way that a thought can. I genuinely don't know. What do you think?


All of this is to say. You can't get certainty around relationships. Period. And the way through any Pure OCD thinking is [in part] accepting that doubt. Maybe this isn't going to work long-term. Maybe you'll post about your happy golden wedding anniversary years from now. Maybe one of you will get hit by a bus and you'll never get a chance to find out. It's all maybes. Just focus in on today and making today OK. A counsellor or therapist could help with that. Help with finding your own balance and your own way through all this.