Is this HOCD or am i gay/bi? PLEASE READ

So for the past 3-4 years i have been obsessing about being gay/bi. Growing up until this point I didnt have a doubt in my mind that i was straight. I loved girls, had girl crushes, masturbated to girls, and always dreamed of marrying a beautiful woman. I only masturbated to girls and never even thought about guys. I have nothing against gays, but I always wondered how you could be attracted to men when women were so sexy. When the HOCD first started I freaked out and became incredibly depressed and cried. The first "tests" I started to give myself were just looking at guys and asking myself "Do I like him?" or "Do I find him attractive". Every time it resulted in my getting intense anxiety because I couldn't tell if I did or not. Sometimes I even did feel like I liked guys and that freaked me out even more. Then i started looking at half naked pictures of guys to see if i would get an erection, which i did not. Since that didn't bring my mind to ease either, i decided to look at gay porn and I got an erection pretty fast, i even think i felt i truly did like it. This is when i completely lost it and started crying to my mom telling her i dont want to be gay. She told me she once looked at lesbian porn and she got aroused and that getting aroused by it does not mean your gay. This put my mind at easy a little bit, but i was still not convinced.This continued on throughout the years with me having mixed results(sometimes i would get aroused, and sometimes i wouldnt). I would even try to imagine myself having gay sex and i would sometimes get aroused. I sometimes even would get in a gay sex position and pretend i was getting f****d. I would sometimes get aroused but didnt want to. Since as long as i can remember ive always looked at girls sexually and loved their bodies. I would think about having sex with them everyday and not once think about a guy. I also would get erections in school alot staring at girls lol. I really just don't want to be gay/bi. If I found out i was i really wouldn't want to live anymore. I just want this to be over and go back to my normal hetero self again. So could this be HOCD or am i gay/bi?

I made a post on the difference between in the closet and HOCD that I think you would get your answer from. Let me know if you have any questions.

obsessive-compulsive/topic129375.html

I read that already but im still not sure. What do you think? Can you give me some insight?

Do you feel naturally interested in guys, or do you feel you get a physiological arousal out of fear when you are trying to invoke it?

I'm not really sure what to say about this one as I am not sure how old you are. People are sexual creatures and if you were attracted to men it wouldn't be as unnatural as people are trying to tell you. Do you have feelings for men the same way you do for women? Could you just as naturally see yourself in a sexual situation with a man as a woman?

The thing to remember about sexual orientations is they are just labels. There isn't a single word that can define anyone's sexual desires. You find attractive what you find attractive and it is possible you have a slight interest in men on the low end of the spectrum, but to me it doesn't sound as if you're interested in pursuing a relationship sexual or romantic with a man, so I wouldn't keep questioning and compulsively doubt checking whether you are or not as it isn't helping you.

Erections can be physiological and don't require you to be aroused at what is in the front of your mind. I think what may be happening is you are applying your same sexual fantasies with women towards males you look at, and you could be turned on by the scenario, but not by the person.

However, the only thing that really can work right now is to accept the uncertainty and not be overly paranoid about being attracted to men, but accept that it is okay if you are. I know this is easier said than done, but the way you are doing it now isn't going to work.

Im 19 years old, sorry i didnt include that in my story. Like i said, in real life i look at girls sexually all the time, i never do this with men. I go to the gym everyday and theres a ton of huge buff guys, ive never had any sexual thoughts about them. Ive always had guys friends and not once have i dreamed of having sex with them or anything. Whenever i do the checking, if im calm and just looking at pictures i nver get an erection, when i watch a video i usually get nervous and get a slight erection, but if im calm i dont really get one. Now is this just me deying that i like it or is it just the HOCD? I think if i really did like it, i would'nt get nervous or be stressed about it and i certainly wouldn't be on this forum. The thing is, ive never had a girlfriend or had sex which is probably why im questioning myself alot. I just am really stressed and don't want to discover that i am gay/bi. This has been stressing me out for almost 4 years i want it to be over.

If someone is in the closet or in a religion that morally forbids homosexuality they could be nervous about it, but usually they are always going to have known in some way that they were attracted to men.

It seems you're over-analyzing your thoughts about whether or not you are gay and why you haven't had a girlfriend or sex. It is perfectly normal to be a virgin at 19 years old, and you shouldn't have sex unless you're in a committed relationship. Do you feel a strong need to have sex with a woman right now and depressed that you're not getting it?

It doesn't sound to me like you are sexually interested in men. It seems you're getting the groinal response when connecting men with your sexual thoughts which is physiological.

How I coped with my fears of pedophilia is I first had to give up the compulsive doubt checking of constantly seeing if I was attracted to children I looked at. If you keep having to question it over and over again, your mind is going to trick you into thinking you might just be in denial, and you'll be thinking about what your penis is doing every time you look at men or gay porn.

If it isn't something you really want and desire the sex and/or romance of another man, then you aren't gay. I am mostly asexual in the sense that I never really cared for sexual penetration, oral sex, or many other forms of sex with men, but the kind of sexual touching involves me being with other men. Most of my sexual fantasies involve fetishes and bondage though. I regress to the age of a child in all my sex fantasies and children that young typically don't have sex, so I am usually in a scenario being forced into submission of some kind by an adult in my fantasies. I just know sexually I'm interested in men, and not women.

I think you're getting very paranoid and you have to stop because this isn't going to go away with what you're doing. The only way out of this is for you to convince yourself there is nothing wrong with finding men attractive. Whether or not you choose to have sex with a man is your choice alone, but telling yourself there would be something very wrong with being gay when you have OCD isn't going to lead you to restitution.

Thanks for the reply. im not nervous because of my religion or my family rejecting me. They are all very accepting of that so im don't think thats the issue. Even if people like me more because i was gay i still would not want to be. As far as being a virgin, yes i really want to have sex with a women, i have since i started puberty and im starting to feel left out in that aspect of my life. Its just i would rather not live than think about sexual relations with men. Is that what closeted gay people think like? I just don't want to think about it anymore, but i cant help but think that im just saying i hate it so i can think im straight.