Intrusions and Interuptions

I can't get thoughts out of my head.
I can't stop thinking about philosophy, I just keep thinking about philosophy over and over again.
I must come up with a metaphysical system, I must come up with an ethical system, I must come up with an epistemological system.
I keep thinking about thought itself over and over again, or music.
I keep categorizing music, like Jazz is the opposite of rap, rap is the opposite of Jazz.
They were both invented by negroes, but one is primarily instrumental (Jazz) and the other is primarily lyrical (Rap).
One is rooted in high culture (Jazz) and one is rooted in low culture (Rap).
One is relatively positive (Jazz) and the other relatively negative (Rap).
Jazz is very musical, rap isn't really musical at all.
Rap is about verbage, it's like negative, African American ghetto poetry recited over monotonous, electronic beeps and bleeps.
When you think about it, Jazz is like 20th century classical music, and blues/country, rock/pop are like 20th century folk music.
I'll say things like blues is to country what metal is to punk, and $#%^.
Sometimes I enjoy these activities, but sometimes they frustrate me to no end.
I say what is the purpose of thinking all this $#%^, I must cease!

Philosophy works the same way, I just keep classifying phenomenon and trying to build systems, but I can no longer sustain them for more than a day, because they collapse in on themselves, because I keep finding errors or holes, or because they no longer interest me or have anything to do with me... but I want them to, I want them to last forever.
The thing is I don't really want to think about philosophy anymore, I think about it because I'm afraid I can't stop thinking about it, that it'll pop in my head regardless, irrespective of my will.
Worrying about worrying about it popping into my head, is itself it popping into my head, it's a self-defeating, self-sabotaging thought, but the realization that it's self-perpetuating, doesn't seem to make a difference, it just keeps popping into my ######6 head, regardless!
I can't stop thinking about it!

Now you may be thinking this is no big deal, but I'm been having these and other unwanted thoughts for 14 years, consistently, consecutively.
They're all consuming!
Sometimes I will think about the same subject all day and night, incessantly, sometimes for weeks or months!
Usually it's philosophy, but sometimes music or geography, history or race, or my life goals, or nothing, for a long time it was nothing at all, just thought thinking itself, but then it proceeded to morph into all these artistic and intellectual subjects.

I can't seem to do anything constructive with them, I tried to do something constructive with philosophy, how I tried, but I suppose philosophy is inherently and intrinsically negative and deconstructive, and thus, nothing can be done with it, as there's no way to answer the questions it poses, so maybe I should begin incessantly thinking about science, or something else.

These subjects do partly interest me, but I would like to be able to think about them once in a blue moon, you know, to be able to have some other thoughts on occasion.
I don't want to constantly remind myself to keep having them.

Sometimes I get interruptive thoughts, like if I'm trying to have sex with a prostitute, I become self conscious instead of enjoying myself, and my cock will go limp.
I'm worried I'll become overly self conscious so that I won't be able to act spontaneously and naturally, I won't be able to get or maintain an erection.
I'll become involuntarily self-conscious of my emotional reactions to stimuli, because I'm afraid that if I do, I won't be able to have emotional reactions like normal, regular, sane people.

To give you an indication of how insidious this is, I'm afraid of becoming self conscious of my writing right now, that it'll hinder my performance here, and that I'll fail to impress you.

So you could say what I'm afraid of is my consciousness becoming overpreoccupied with itself, and that it'll inhibit me from functioning affectively in daily activities.

I become preoccupied by thoughts of sexual inadequacy, feeling like a weakling, because I'm unable to perform, and this keeps me from having a relationship because of the embarrassment I'll inevitably feel.

It's like I have internal torettes, like I have thought ticks, so instead of me making funny noises, embarrassing myself in public, like not being able to stop myself from saying #######3 tits out loud, I can't stop thinking about philosophy, or racial hierarchy, or my life goals, which needless to say I'm not achieving.
My ticks are these intellectual subjects, or my life goals, consciousness itself, or negative thoughts about myself and my life.
I can't stop them from happening, they're functioning independently of me, operating independently of my will, as if they're coming from outside my mind.

I probably have too much time to think these thoughts.
I don't exercise much.
I have absolutely no social life.
I guess I have have a lot free time and energy to think these thoughts. as I only work part time, because I'm indolent, and also because I'm afraid these thoughts will interrupt and interfere with my work, so I pick low skilled, menial jobs that require little thinking, that way I won't ###$ things up and if I do, it won't matter, because very little is at stake.

This has been my life for the last 10 years, I can't seem to do anything creative with my monistic thought disorder, which focuses on only one subject at a time, for months on end, nor can I rid myself of the thoughts that plague me, like the one that comes and says - you'll become selfconscious of sleep, and this will interfere with your sleep mechanism, and you will die, or not get a good night sleep before work.

I am loser, I am scum, I am a turd, I have talents, but I'm unable to use them, as I'm inhibited by profound weaknesses in character, by physical and moral defects.

I am totally corrupt.


Another way of putting it is it's like I have the opposite of ADD or ADHD. I have too much attention, I stay focused on one subject too long, and I can't move onto the next one, thoughts don't move in and out of brain/mind freely, they're backed up, congested if you will.

Thank you for posting. This is the closest anyone has ever come to describing the way I think. The Jazz-Rap parallel is very similar to thoughts I had as a high schooler, and philosophical thinking is similar to my more recent intrusions.

What's most troubling for me is not knowing how to access different parts of my knowledge. For instance, I was stuck on algebraic thinking for years and years (still am - excessive counting compulsions), and even though I know calculus etc... I can never think with it.

Pot has let me access a state where I can use my knowledge freely, but not for long, and its dissociative properties limit my productivity. Recently started Zoloft (100mg for 2-3 weeks) and am seeing slight improvements - trying to find my base state.

Strange.