HOCD? Or Denial? 19 Year old Male

Ever since I could remember being sexually aroused, it was always to women. Everything about them made me go crazy. My first crush was on a girl and I've had sex with 12 girls by now, I am currently 19. I have had a girlfriend for 6 months now. We have sex very frequently and I love it. However the question of HOCD started about 8 months ago. Up until this onset i never thought about my sexual orientation. I just knew I liked girls and they turned me on. 8 months ago I noticed my erections while masturbating to straight porn started to get weaker. I was jerking off quite a bit to porn and had always been since I was younger. For some reason my brain started noticing the dude more and more. I wasn't turned on by him but to the women he was having sex with it. After I noticed my erections were quite weaker the thought of me bèing gay because I wasn't getting as hard as I use too popped into my head. For the last 8 months I constantly obsess about the possibility of being gay and engaging in gay sex. I find these thoughts discomforting, disgusting, and something I'd never want to take part in. But theirs almost like a little voice in the back of my head doubting what I say. Saying that I do actually find dudes hot and I should try gay sex out. This doesn't make sense to me because I love my girlfriend and love having sex with her, although these thoughts make me feel like I'm " faking" it. I now obsess day after day that I could be gay when I don't have any real desire to date a man or be sexual with one. I just don't get what's going on. I'm a good looking guy, skinny, and not the most aggressive male. This makes me feel like I'm not "man" enough to be straight, although I love straight sex and everything about my girlfriend. She's smoking hot (dirty blonde hair, green eyes, amazing tan body). I could never leave her but these thoughts try and tell me I'm not really attracted to her, even though I get an erection when we kiss , and have great sex. So am I just overthinking and obsessing over this thought or is it really denial?

your story is exactly like mine. This is annoying. I can't imagine why I think like this. I'm always an horny guy every time I see hot girls I get boner very easy but this change me.

I think depression causes you erection problem. Try some relaxation technique it helps a lot. eg. exercise

I used to accept I'm gay but it's just not right to me. Depression still exists. try not to think about it much. I'm working on it. It's good to see ones who have the same problem as mine.

good luck dude.

First of all, let me clear up some irrational thoughts based on stereotypes.

Being more or less "manly" has nothing to do with whether or not you're gay. I am gay. I like musical theatre, art, culture. However, I also enjoy sports, I am very aggressive and dealt with anger and violence issues for years. There are some straight men that are very feminine and some gay men that are very masculine. I have a combination of both masculinity and femininity. To say that you might be gay because you are skinny and not very aggressive is something that is bordering insanity and you either have to rid your brain of that fear or seek help from a therapist.

If you ask any gay person, not bisexual, when they first has suspicions that they were gay, they will usually say as soon as they learned what gay actually meant or within a few years after. I always felt that it was more natural to flirt with guys and want to talk to and be affectionate with other boys than girls.

If you are 19 years old now, and you haven't even had the slightest suspicion that you were gay until 8 months ago, then you aren't gay. I think what you might be experiencing are some physiological experiences where you think about sex with men and get a response in your groin even though you actually don't even want that kind of sexual intercourse. Groinal responses usually come from fear, anxiety, excitement, and confusion. What you have to learn to do is understand the difference between what you find sexually attractive and what your sexual compulsive fears are.

This is kind of what happened to me, but only I didn't have HOCD, I know I'm gay, I had POCD. Fear of being a pedophile. This happened because when I was 18 was when the Michael Jackson allegations were going on and I thought because I had a low self-esteem, made friends with kids easier than adults, and felt I had a bad childhood meant I was a pedophile. I also had childish type fetishes such as getting spanked by an authority figure or having a babysitter put me in a diaper like I was a little toddler. However, these weren't pedophilia, they were age regression fantasies, and when people spoke of discipline, spanking, or changing diapers in the context of children, it would cause an erection, not because I was attracted to children, but because they were physiological responses related to my submissive fantasies. The reason I ended up accepting I was not a pedophile after 8 years of thinking I was is that I don't find sexual contact with children appealing, and there are times where I have seen children partially naked when either babysitting or when ones I work with pants fell down or something and it didn't create any kind sexual arousal over it, then I thought back and realized I never was attracted to children, I just was engaging in certain thought patterns allowing me to think I was.

So basically the point of my story, is you have to realize that you are engaging yourself into thought patterns that are allowing you to think you might be gay when in reality you aren't attracted to idea of having sex with men. Forget everything else. Forget the traumatic experiences you had with break ups with women. Forget the stereotypes of the media painting a picture of straight men as manly men and gays and girly men. Forget all the times you struck out with women in sexual situations making you fear you might be gay. Either you like the thought of having sex/romance with guys or you don't.

Denial is when you have a sexual arousal over seeing some guys naked and you feel guilty that you imagined yourself having sex with them and liked it. If you were in denial, you also might have some fantasies about light sexual contact with men and try to rationalize it by saying that it isn't really sexual, you just like touching them lightly, etc. Living in denial is when you know something to be the truth but your mind refuses to accept it because it would interfere with your identity. If you are just fearing it being true but never actually felt sexually interested in men, it is HOCD, not denial.

To JackM678

I would appreciate if you don't mind? can you can tell us story of you being homo? What you think when you was young? What kind of love toward men? How you love them? And so on. So we get to know more about people like you. Because as an HOCD sufferer, I can't differentiate what is the real feeling about being homo and hetero. It's just messed up in our mind.

Thanks

JackM678 wrote:First of all, let me clear up some irrational thoughts based on stereotypes.

Being more or less "manly" has nothing to do with whether or not you're gay. I am gay. I like musical theatre, art, culture. However, I also enjoy sports, I am very aggressive and dealt with anger and violence issues for years. There are some straight men that are very feminine and some gay men that are very masculine. I have a combination of both masculinity and femininity. To say that you might be gay because you are skinny and not very aggressive is something that is bordering insanity and you either have to rid your brain of that fear or seek help from a therapist.

If you ask any gay person, not bisexual, when they first has suspicions that they were gay, they will usually say as soon as they learned what gay actually meant or within a few years after. I always felt that it was more natural to flirt with guys and want to talk to and be affectionate with other boys than girls.

If you are 19 years old now, and you haven't even had the slightest suspicion that you were gay until 8 months ago, then you aren't gay. I think what you might be experiencing are some physiological experiences where you think about sex with men and get a response in your groin even though you actually don't even want that kind of sexual intercourse. Groinal responses usually come from fear, anxiety, excitement, and confusion. What you have to learn to do is understand the difference between what you find sexually attractive and what your sexual compulsive fears are.

This is kind of what happened to me, but only I didn't have HOCD, I know I'm gay, I had POCD. Fear of being a pedophile. This happened because when I was 18 was when the Michael Jackson allegations were going on and I thought because I had a low self-esteem, made friends with kids easier than adults, and felt I had a bad childhood meant I was a pedophile. I also had childish type fetishes such as getting spanked by an authority figure or having a babysitter put me in a diaper like I was a little toddler. However, these weren't pedophilia, they were age regression fantasies, and when people spoke of discipline, spanking, or changing diapers in the context of children, it would cause an erection, not because I was attracted to children, but because they were physiological responses related to my submissive fantasies. The reason I ended up accepting I was not a pedophile after 8 years of thinking I was is that I don't find sexual contact with children appealing, and there are times where I have seen children partially naked when either babysitting or when ones I work with pants fell down or something and it didn't create any kind sexual arousal over it, then I thought back and realized I never was attracted to children, I just was engaging in certain thought patterns allowing me to think I was.

So basically the point of my story, is you have to realize that you are engaging yourself into thought patterns that are allowing you to think you might be gay when in reality you aren't attracted to idea of having sex with men. Forget everything else. Forget the traumatic experiences you had with break ups with women. Forget the stereotypes of the media painting a picture of straight men as manly men and gays and girly men. Forget all the times you struck out with women in sexual situations making you fear you might be gay. Either you like the thought of having sex/romance with guys or you don't.

Denial is when you have a sexual arousal over seeing some guys naked and you feel guilty that you imagined yourself having sex with them and liked it. If you were in denial, you also might have some fantasies about light sexual contact with men and try to rationalize it by saying that it isn't really sexual, you just like touching them lightly, etc. Living in denial is when you know something to be the truth but your mind refuses to accept it because it would interfere with your identity. If you are just fearing it being true but never actually felt sexually interested in men, it is HOCD, not denial.

Excellent post. There is so much flawed thinking in these "HOCD" posts, they have weird ideas such as losing an erection during porn makes them gay or a girl rejecting them makes them gay. Do they think gay is that easy to catch like a common cold?

How I really do know I never found dudes sexually arousing was the fact that I went to an all dudes high school. We had to shower together after gym and believe me I saw my penis's . Not once did I feel aroused or thought of being gay. They were just penis's to me. If anything I thought it was disgusting . That itself right there proves to me that theirs no way I could just turn gay or bisexual. I have nothing against homosexuals and am not homophobic although this condition makes me feel a little homophobic. I just know it wouldn't be for me . But my mind doesn't let me settle on that. I need my old self back. Where I can go a dam day without waking up and having these thoughts!!'!!!!! I'm also wondering in this type of OCD makes you feel like everyone else thinks your gay., even though I've never showed an interest sexually or romantically in a dude and have always been known to get with the hottest girls, whether it was just a hookup, blowjob, or going all the way. From what I know people who are gay have always known their whole life and have never had consistent sex with girls?

Jqm1445 wrote:How I really do know I never found dudes sexually arousing was the fact that I went to an all dudes high school. We had to shower together after gym and believe me I saw my penis's . Not once did I feel aroused or thought of being gay. They were just penis's to me. If anything I thought it was disgusting . That itself right there proves to me that theirs no way I could just turn gay or bisexual. I have nothing against homosexuals and am not homophobic although this condition makes me feel a little homophobic. I just know it wouldn't be for me . But my mind doesn't let me settle on that. I need my old self back. Where I can go a dam day without waking up and having these thoughts!!'!!!!! I'm also wondering in this type of OCD makes you feel like everyone else thinks your gay., even though I've never showed an interest sexually or romantically in a dude and have always been known to get with the hottest girls, whether it was just a hookup, blowjob, or going all the way. From what I know people who are gay have always known their whole life and have never had consistent sex with girls?

No, you are wrong, often men who have been very sexually active with many women later admitted that they were gay. If someone is having sex with a lot of women in an attempt to prove how "straight" they are that in itself displays an insecurity about their real sexuality. And why would you think that anyone else believes you are gay? Why would they think that?

I wouldn't say the sex I've had in the past was excessive because I was trying to prove I was straight . I was having sex with girls because I thought they were hot . I love the way it felt. I just was following what I was sexually turned on to. It had nothing to do with an attempt to prove I was straight because I didn't think about that in the past. Men never caught my eye or sexually turned me on, women did . The current sex I have with my girlfriend now is half half though. I'm sexually turned on by her just her physical presence so I have sex because I'm aroused, but at the same time my mind attempts to tell me I'm just doing it because I'm trying to prove I'm not gay. Which doesn't make sense because I lust and desire for my girls body.! And the reason why I think some people think I'm gay is because I'm not the manliest type of dude and have a baby face. I'm a white handsome dude with little facial hair, skinny but always have been a stud athlete. I just get the impression people think I'm gay because I'm not gunna b the fighter or aggressor which is a bad way to think because that has nothing to do with sexuality.

Jqm1445 wrote:I wouldn't say the sex I've had in the past was excessive because I was trying to prove I was straight . I was having sex with girls because I thought they were hot . I love the way it felt. I just was following what I was sexually turned on to. It had nothing to do with an attempt to prove I was straight because I didn't think about that in the past. Men never caught my eye or sexually turned me on, women did . The current sex I have with my girlfriend now is half half though. I'm sexually turned on by her just her physical presence so I have sex because I'm aroused, but at the same time my mind attempts to tell me I'm just doing it because I'm trying to prove I'm not gay. Which doesn't make sense because I lust and desire for my girls body.! And the reason why I think some people think I'm gay is because I'm not the manliest type of dude and have a baby face. I'm a white handsome dude with little facial hair, skinny but always have been a stud athlete. I just get the impression people think I'm gay because I'm not gunna b the fighter or aggressor which is a bad way to think because that has nothing to do with sexuality.

It is generally only macho jock guys or burly rednecks who think that skinny baby faced men are gay, women don't think like that at all. It sounds like you've let what you look like cause you to question your sexuality. Those super macho guys think A LOT of other men are gay and if they were correct in their assumptions the gay population would be 50%. And another unique aspect of this is that if you had a humiliation fetish your mind turning against you and calling you gay would be a turn on but since you don't have that it doesn't benefit you at all.

Anyone else have any advice or input they can give me? Any answers? Or helpful info?