OCD and relationship doubts--PLEASE HELP ME!!

I am new to this forum. I have not officially been diagnosed with OCD, but my symptoms match almost perfectly. I am currently taking Paxil for anxiety. (probably caused from OCD stress!)

I have been dealing with this problem for about 2 years now, and i don't know how much more my relationship can handle. PLEASE HELP ME SOMEONE!!!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now and i couldn't ask for anyone better. I know that i love him and would never even consider cheating on him.

However, when i feel like i am even the least bit attracted to someone else (maybe they were friendly or nice-looking), i am overwhelmed with feelings of doubt about my relationship.

Realisticly, i know that i love my boyfriend, but when these moods happen i don't know anything. I start questioning "Do i love him" "Are we supposed to be together" "are these feelings God's way of telling me we're not supposed to be together" It's like i can't connect with my common sense.

As you can see, this has caused alot of stress on our relationship, but we are still together. He does not understand how i feel when this OCD (or whatever it is) flairs up and he thinks i am saying "i don't know if i love you anymore" BUT I'M NOT!!
He is very patient and has been trying to help me, but now he is convinced that these feelings are because i don't want to be with him "deep down". (I was scared of that too at first, but now i know that it's not that)

When something triggers these emotions they last untill some "stronger" emotion of "love" wipes them away. for example, i will be afraid i am attracted to some random guy, i will doubt my relationship until my boyfriend does something extremely sweet that makes me get the "love" emotion and then the doubts will go away until next time.

Has anyone else went through this? If so, do you think it is caused by OCD? How can i stop these feelings!!!???
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!! ~ashley

hi ashley,

thanks for posting.

feeling attracted to other people happens... but remember that although you might be physically attracted to someone, or attracted to someone who's friendly, it's nothing compared to how much you love your boyfriend. you likely don't really know those people, but you DO know your boyfriend... and it goes much deeper than anyone else you might be attracted. you like people who are friendly; there's nothing wrong with that. your boyfriend, i'm sure, is friendly as well! ... and since you're with him, he must be so much more.

it's okay to be attracted to others. you said you wouldn't even consider cheating on your partner, so there's no need to feel guilty. feelings happen; you can't always control them. i myself am attracted to a lot of people, but i don't do anything about them. in fact, i avoid them. i'm not in a relationship, but i do love someone who doesn't love me. in my heart, i'm loyal to that person.

you love your boyfriend. tell him that you do. if you really have doubts, talk to him about it. ask yourself, "why do i love him?" make a list of what you like about him, and why you've been with him so long. hopefully, it will help remind you of why you're with him in the first place.

take care*

Hi Ashley,

So, I just found your page and am writing this response for years after you originally posted it. However, I wish I had found it four years ago. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, and have had this issue come up a number of times. I always go online when my anxiety flares up and try to find someone else with the same problem. Somehow knowing other have this problem makes me think maybe I am more normal than I think. I figured this time I would actually try to contribute something.

I've realized this come up particularly when I am emotionally attracted to another person. The physical attraction doesn't freak me out as much because, out of sight, out of mind. I know it's normal to be physically attracted to others. However, when someone is nice or friendly, or exhibits some characteristic I think is lacking a bit in my partner, it REALLY scares me. It makes me wonder, does this mean I really need X quality? Does this mean I'm not as attracted to my partner as I thought? Have I been fooling myself? I feel I have betrayed my partner just by my silent feeling. Additionally, I too feel that I need some "reassurance" from my partner about why I love him so that I can dismiss the earlier feelings I had. As my partner said to me once (not about this topic but other things I doubt, feel anxious about, wonder about, etc.) "I think you feel a lot of the same things as other people, they just get magnified more in your mind." What I've done, though I'm not sure how helpful this is, is 1)stay away from that person you "think" you're attracted to, 2) Focus on what you have in front of you, the things about your partner you love and appreciate and 3) remind yourself that that other person has things you will not like, question, not be attracted to, etc.

However, I think the biggest help I can provide is to let you know you're not the only one. I don't mean you're not the only one who feels attracted to others, we all know that. What I mean is, you're not that only one that has this inexplicable panic and fear at having those feelings. I feel like I just want the feelings to go away. It's my feelings that are making me upset. I don't know if this will continue with me, but I'm just putting it out there that I have this same experience.

In fact, I was trolling the internet just now because I was having doubts about my relationship and looking for answers. I have often thought throughout our relationships that I'm not sure of my feelings for my boyfriend or if I want to be with him. So, I've come to the conclusion that I definitely don't want to be without him, but that made me wonder, does that mean I want to be WITH him though? I was single for a very long time before my bf, and have no prob being single again, so it isn't like I can't live without a relationship, it's more that thinking about not being with him makes me so sad, but, is that the same as WANTING to be with someone? I have no idea. Maybe I'm overanalyzing. In any event, I hope this post is helpful, if not to you, then someone like me who is looking for solace in a time of confusion...

Yes Ashley, it sounds like OCD to me. I had similar thoughts about my then-boyfriend years ago. I wasn't certain whether he was "the one" for me, and I became obsessed with the idea. Whenever I felt attracted to someone else, I almost felt like I had cheated on him! I felt horrible and didn't understand what was going on with me. Then I realized it had to do with my OCD.

Now, years later, I think I understand what made me so anxious. Well, he was my first "real" boyfriend, so I had big expectations. I kind of wanted everything to be ideal and perfect. I think he had big expectations as well. He confessed to me pretty soon that he was in love with me, and I didn't dare to say the same thing to him which seemed to make him a bit unhappy (and caused me to panic). I felt awful, like there was something wrong with me because I wasn't sure whether I loved him or not! Now I understand that my overwhelming anxiety was caused by OCD. However it also had to do with the fact that I was very young and didn't know what I wanted. He was also a bit too demanding, I think. Nobody has to say (or do) things in a relationship unless they feel ready. I understand it now. There's no need to overanalyze or apologize one's feelings.

Girls, calm down and relax a bit. Forget the idea of perfect relationship/ideal love and do what feels good. If you've been together with your boyfriend for a long time and you enjoy his company, then there's obviously something good going on. I'm not together with that guy anymore (yeah, it turned out he wasn't the one for me, lol) because it didn't work out, for various reasons. But your boyfriends sound pretty nice, so don't give up! Accept the fact that nobody's perfect and a perfect relationship doesn't exist. Just concentrate on the good things. If there are more positive sides in a relationship than negative ones, then the guy is definitely worth keeping. Good luck.