HOCD: I need help

Hi everyone. I'm a woman in my 40s and believe I'm suffering from hocd. I have only been with men and don't want to be with a woman. But my mind keeps telling me I'm gay. I've had this fear since I was around 15, when I felt like I was accused of being gay by comments friends and family were making about me. I never thought I was gay, but felt like I had to prove I'm not. When I was 18, I started having intrusive thought about being gay and freaked out, because I didn't know what was wrong with me

So this nagging fear stayed with me through the years, even though I've only ever wanted to have relationships with men. I enjoy being with men, but since I've had a lot of abusive relationships, this doesn't help... I just don't want to get hurt anymore, and the last guy I was with (which was 7 months ago, but only 3 months since I moved out), was really bad.

But when I try to picture myself being with a woman sexually, it makes me sick to my stomach and sometimes I start gagging and have actually thrown up. I don't feel turned on by women at all, nor do I fantasize about being with one. So why does my mind keep telling me I like women? The more I try to convince myself I'm not, the worse it gets...and I keep going over it in my mind, looking back to my childhood and teen years, to try to see proof that I am.. or looking up hocd on the internet to see if I can relate, or reading stories about gay people to see if I can relate, taking "Are you gay?" tests...Yesterday, I even took a Kinsey scale test and got a 0, which means I'm not gay or even somewhere in the middle.

So why all this doubt? I keep thinking, "Why do I worry so much if I'm not?" Wouldn't I have known and wouldn't that be something I'd want, instead of something that totally terrorizes me? When the thoughts get really bad, sometimes I just want to kill myself, because it'd be better than living a life that I could never live.

I was reassured temporarily yesterday when I got a 0 on the Kinsey scale, but I knew it wouldn't last. I was ok last night when I was watching Cayote Ugly, but then this morning I started panicking because I started thinking about the movie.. "Did I liked the girls?". No I didn't. It did nothing for me AT ALL!!

I just want the "What if?" questions to stop!!!

I ask myself "What is the WORST thing that would happen if I was gay?", and it's "I'd have to live a life that I don't want."

do you have close friendships with women? just a thought, maybe it's a lack of platonic closeness?

No, I don't really. Maybe that is it.

Is definitively HOCD i have HOCD too , and this thoughts are very common,accept the fact that you can be gay or bissexual,and try to not do the ' compulsions ' (i had to do this test 9 times ) and i verify gay porn and straight porn at 23 times ... and trust me doesn't work ...

Thanks. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who goes through this, and that I'm not crazy, because sometimes I think I am!! I've been really depressed, and I'm going to the clinic today to see if I can get on another medication. I was on an antidepressant over 8 months ago and stopped taking it, so I think it made it worse. I also have bipolar so I have to be careful what I take, but I'm sure they'll figure it out.

Again, thanks for your response.

Hello! I would just like to offer some support. I have been through the same thing, and am now on the other side of it! I do get spikes from time to time, but you have to realize a few things

1. You can choose your actions. Many people dispute the idea of whether or not homosexuality is a "choice" or not. I cannot tell you the answer to that, but I will tell you that all ACTIONS are a choice. The thoughts do not matter. I can sit here and think I'm gay, but I can still go out and have relationships with men. A thought is just a thought.

2. Don't feed the thought; accept it. This is a hard one to over come, but try finding things to do to get your mind off of everything, and when you get that thought like "Did I enjoy the girls?" Say to yourself, "Maybe I did, but it doesn't really matter. I can still CHOOSE my actions." By constantly checking and thinking back you are giving your anxiety more power.

3. Never tell yourself NOT to think about it. Our brains are naturally wired to think about things we tell ourselves not to think about. When you say "NO! Not again! Don't think that!" you are ultimately feeding your fears, and will continue to think about it.

4. Don't listen to back door spikes. Someone people will not get a reaction to something, and when they don't they believe it's because they have accepted the idea of them being gay (or whatever the case) and that, in turn, makes them gay. Re-read what I just said and just realize how silly that sounds. Back-door spikes are just another way of your HOCD getting to you.

5. Focus on yourself. Go out and do things that you enjoy doing, and spend time with family and friends. Even go out and make new friends. Treat yourself to a nice spa day or something! This will help with #2 and also allow you to figure yourself out.

6. Look up things like meditation, tapping, and acceptance. Also, if you are spiritual or faithful, read the bible or just pray. If not, that's okay too. That was just one of the things that helped me!

7. Eating right and exercising will help alleviate stress and anxiety revolving around these thoughts, and eventually help the thoughts to subside all together.

You have to REALLY practice these things if you want to see a change! Just remember that no matter what you are special and beautiful, and you should fully accept yourself! That doesn't mean you have to be gay or be okay with being gay, just be able to love yourself, and you will notice a difference. I promise.

Best of luck!

How do I curb the urge to keep going over and over it in my head, and analyzing my past?

I keep trying to reason with myself, saying if I were truly gay, I wouldn't worry about that itself. It would be more about rejection from other people. Never once did I worry about liking guys. I just worry about whether or not they will like me back.

I wish reasoning would work, but it doesn't.

RHPP: Thanks for your response. I didn't see it until yesterday, but I was unable to respond on my computer for some reason. It was really helpful what you said and hopefully, I'll be able to beat this thing. I keep having anxiety attacks and then try to reason with myself, which doesn't work.

I think I might have ROCD too, because a lot of it is tied to relationships with men. I'm so confused because they haven't been good at all. The last guy I was with just used me for sex, and didn't want a relationship, which really hurt me.

I think going back to counseling will help. I have an apt in December. I also started take Celexa a few days ago, which I hope with help with the depression, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts. I don't know yet since it takes a while to kick in, and I have a lot of anxiety today.

I just started seeing this guy and I'm not sure if I like him, which makes the anxiety worse because he's a really nice guy. But I can't just sit in my house and isolate. I seem to have a thing for unavailable men and dismiss nice guys. I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes.

Being gay doesn't mean you have to live a life you don't want. If you did find women attractive as well as men, then you could just choose not to be in any sexual relationships with other women.

Are you saying that you think I'm gay, cause I can't stop worrying about it and thinking maybe I like girls. Why would I keep worrying about it if I don't?

-- Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:19 am --

My anxiety is through the roof right now, and I just can't live like this anymore.