HOCD: I need help

jkl1234 wrote:Are you saying that you think I'm gay, cause I can't stop worrying about it and thinking maybe I like girls. Why would I keep worrying about it if I don't?

-- Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:19 am --

My anxiety is through the roof right now, and I just can't live like this anymore.

No one is saying that you are gay but the fact that you mentioned your fear that if you were gay you would worry that people wouldn't accept you throws a bit of confusion into the issue. Have you ever had gay fantasies or thoughts before you developed this fear?

No. I don't feel sexually attracted to women at all, and don't have fantasies about women. I just worry that I'm emotionally attracted.

-- Sun Dec 01, 2013 12:12 pm --

I didn't say that I was worried other people wouldn't accept me. I just don't want to be gay and couldn't live like that. I'd rather kill myself.

jkl1234 wrote:No. I don't feel sexually attracted to women at all, and don't have fantasies about women. I just worry that I'm emotionally attracted.

-- Sun Dec 01, 2013 12:12 pm --

I didn't say that I was worried other people wouldn't accept me. I just don't want to be gay and couldn't live like that. I'd rather kill myself.

Can you describe these feelings of emotional attraction? To a specific woman or women in general?

I've always had fears since I was a kid. It started with being afraid of dogs, spiders, the dark, the dentist, deep water, etc. When I was 20, I obsessively worried about becoming pregnant. Later on (at 29) when I had my son, I was obsessively worried that something would happen to him, and I'd always check to see if he was breathing. I wouldn't even put him in his crib in the other room, because I was afraid he'd die or he would cry himself to sleep. Then I'd worry what if he got taken from me, or what if I died, who'd take care of him...I'm definitely an obsessive person.

I don't know. My head keeps saying I'd rather be with a woman and then I freak out, cause I don't feel like that's right. It keeps bombarding me and nagging at me, and I have a hard time making the thought go away. But then I worry that maybe I'm not really attracted to men, even though I know I am. I don't know if it's just my head messing with me, or it's true.

-- Sun Dec 01, 2013 12:49 pm --

If I really thought I was gay or bisexual that would be one thing, but I don't think I am. I even talked to my old counselor about it a while back, and another woman counselor who was gay, and neither of them thought I was.

I know people who are gay or bisexual and it doesn't seem to bother them. They're happy being that way.. Unlike my overwhelming fear and agony, feeling like I'd rather die. The thoughts are NEVER pleasant.. I just wish I could convince my head and that it would stop telling me that over and over and over again, like a broken record. I hate it!!!

jkl1234 wrote:Are you saying that you think I'm gay, cause I can't stop worrying about it and thinking maybe I like girls. Why would I keep worrying about it if I don't?

-- Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:19 am --

My anxiety is through the roof right now, and I just can't live like this anymore.

I'm not saying I think you're gay, but I am saying that your vision of what life would be like if you were gay is quite off.

I actually am gay, and I am no different than how I was before I was out of the closet in regards to my sexual orientation anyway other than I am not in denial about it. I don't have a different lifestyle, just a more honest one.

If you are attracted to men as well, you can't be gay, only bisexual. If you were bisexual, you would have started to development sexual and/or romantic feelings towards women at the same time you began to notice men.

Ok, well I've never had sexual or romantic feelings for a women, only men...and I first started liking men when I was around 9, when I had a huge crush on John Travolta after I saw Grease. Then it followed with other crushes, and I had my first boyfriend when I was 11.

My fear first started when I was 14, and I think my mom (and later, one of my other friends) thought I had a crush or something on my best friend... She said "You always had to have a friend", but I was more worried about having a boyfriend. Like what is that suppose to mean anyway? Doesn't everyone want to have friends?

I lost my best friend of 10yrs when I was 13, and that was very traumatic for me because she bullied me and turned her back on me. You know, like Mean Girls. But my mom acted like I was making a big deal out of nothing and didn't help me at all.

..and I didn't have a crush on my friend. We were always out drinking and looking for boys. But my mom didn't know that. She had no idea what we were doing.

If what you said is true, I think you're doing a lot of worrying about nothing, and also have a lot of ignorance of how sexual orientation is developed and the role it plays in ones life.

You have a few options. One is to accept the responses of people here telling you that you aren't gay. You can convince yourself that it wouldn't make any difference if you were gay, so there is no need to worry about it. The last resort is seeing a therapist if no matter how many times you're told you're not gay, you won't believe it.