so frustrated and confused about sexuality...

hello, im a 20 year old male college student. A year ago i had no problems preforming sexually or any doubts about my sexual orientation. I used to have a long term girl friend for about a year and things were going pretty well (we had great sex and i really enjoyed it) untill i just sort of stopped really being attracted to her.. I was going back to college and all summer i was fantasizing about the new sexy women i was going to be able to meet this year. So, we broke up. It was a pretty nasty break up and i still think about her sometimes. Im not sure if this is me just missing her (because its only when im horny, her personality is why we broke up), but i started to get this anxiety that I was gay, OUT OF NOWHERE! One day I was taking a girl out to dinner and she came back to my place and we were drinking a lot and she wanted to stay the night..my memory is kind of blurry, but i remember her not being that into me or me not really wanting her that much. but in my mind it was messed up how i let a girl sleep over without making a serious move on her. actually that night i ended up calling up my ex gf. that was the first time i had anxiety about maybe being gay/bi.

when i was younger i was always attracted to girls or at least not at all attracted to boys ( I was a late bloomer, was 17ish when i really hit puberty). I only got an actual girlfriend( that i was crazy about) my freshman year of college during winter break. when the break was over, we were too (i was really into her).

however, im very embarassed of this but, i masturbated as a youth to two things. straight porn/lesbian porn...and for some reason i always got aroused by the thought of cross dressing. Not really sexually like wow i want to have sex with that guy dressed as a woman(that actually kinda disgusts me a little). but for some reason when i watched a video of a guy transforming to a (passable/attractive) woman I got really aroused. I would want to have sex with girls when i got aroused, but what got me going was the thought of cross dressing. I have always been extremely embarassed of this sort of non-sexual fetish. well sometimes sexual. In high school, i would sometimes fantasize the two hottest girls in my class coming up and trying to dress me up as a girl and i would fake resisting. but it would always end in me having sex with them! also, i played sports in high school (wrestling and lacrosse) and i would have to get naked for weigh-ins and i honestly never thought anything of it (never was attracted to a man)...

so over the past few months i have developed this kind of OCD i think. I have had sex with my ex twice in the last 4 months, and i had sex with one other girl too but it was hard for me to get erect because i was EXTREMELY anxious. this has happened with a few girls in the past too which also makes me question myself.

I have compeltely stopped looking at crossdressing stuff and have been trying to teach myself to masturbate to either just pics of women in bikinis/naked and it has been working..but always in the back of my head is the pressing question "what if I'm gay?!". when im with a girl and not thinking about getting an erection (ex: having an intamate conversation where im really thinking/intense make out or something) i get one like poof right away. but when im thinking about it like "cmon hurry up she wants to have sex" and i focus on getting erection. its like my penis goes numb and is just not there and my heart is racing like crazy and its SUPER embarrassing. I feel like deep down i really wanna be intimate with a girl i genuinely love again, but there is this kind of wall keeping me from achieving that level of intimacy and I just want it out of my life. I want to be a happy, confident guy again!

I have been on anti-depressants for about a month or two and i definitely see it working sometimes..but other days ill wake up and just be anxious and ocd ridden for days! Please, i need some advice on what to do...I think i like girls, but why am i so messed up in the head! if i could just relax my life would be 100x better.

i really have to stress that some weeks ill be totally fine and not have a single questionable thought or what if im gay thought. then one day ill let my defenses slip and WHAM im back to step 1 where im in an anxiety attack thinking "crap, what if i'm gay?!" or "what if i can never have sex with a girl again?!"

its really a very on and off type of anxiety...please help

-an anxiety ridden regular college guy

Eze,

You're OK. There is nothing wrong with getting turned on by cross dressing. Unfortunately, you are young and your peers wouldn't understand your fetish so you are better off just keeping it a secret. But there is no reason you can't think about it when having sex. Just don't tell your partner or she'll probably think it's weird. But you can make it fun, everyone gets turned on by different things, so there is nothing to be ashamed of. As you get older you'll find kinkier women that might be more into your fetish and there are even professionals that will cross dress you and give you an experience you'll never forget if you'd like.

Also, I'd recommend laying off the antidepressants. Those things have bad side effects and I wouldn't mess with them. Let your mind heal itself.

Best of luck!