Severe Obsession over Boyfriend's Sexual Thoughts/Behavior

Don't know how much the past matters but a brief personal history in case it does: I was homeschooled growing up until I was 14 in a very conservative religious household. I rarely interacted with secular influences or non-religious people and my parents were extremely strict about sexuality and very limiting of my and my sister's self expression.

It took me a long time to acclimate socially - it really wasn't until sophomore/junior year of college that I started to feel more comfortable. Soon after that, I ended up "falling in love" with my good male friend at the time. I wasn't attracted to him but knew him to be obsessed with me and somehow felt safe with him. Before we actually started dating or I expressed any feelings, though, he came out as gay to our social circle. I don't know why but that triggered in me a need to be with him and despite his statement to the world, we started dating. He expressed his confusion but did say he was in love with me too. We ended up starting to date, slept together (although it was almost physically impossible at first since he was not aroused by me) and eventually ending up moving in together. We got married in 2006 and since the early days of that time, were basically living as best friends who rarely had sex. During that time, I rarely masturbated and basically became asexual.

Early last year, I began having overwhelmingly intense physical and sexual attractions to men - particularly, those who were very masculine. I didn't act on them but felt profoundly guilty. I did tell my husband who was extremely hurt and felt betrayed. Over the course of the following months, we went to therapy, then ended up having an open marriage. While having an open marriage, I slept with multiple men I just met that night (after brief periods of communication online). I felt liberated but also incredibly dirty. I wasn't looking for a relationship but just to experience raw sexuality - i guess to tell myself I could. In early January, I went out on a date with my now boyfriend and ended up feeling a deep connection and attraction to him. After our first date, we texted a lot to plan our second date a week later and I had true butterflies. Because I was on a bit of a rampage, though, I did end up sleeping with a different guy a few days later, something I feel massively guilty about still. After our second date, we started dating immediately, I moved out, initiated a divorce and here I am, almost a year later, with a completely different life. I have become very financially independent, fought through a work crisis to get a great new job, got a nice new apartment, improved my self esteem in a lot of areas, even began improving my health by abstaining from smoking and drinking, but I am utterly, completely immobilized by my obsessive thoughts regarding my new boyfriend.

He is a strong, patient, kind person who has opened himself up to me tremendously, has his own identity but is open to my interests and is extremely respectful and faithful. However, over the course of our relationship, I have experienced intense and almost debilitating jealousy and paranoia related to him checking out other women, relationships with female friends, mental images of him with his exes, my ability to perform for him sexually and his consumption of online pornography. I developed a terrible habit of snooping in his phone and computer and while I didn't find much that was incriminating (outside of a text I misinterpreted), I did find porn history in his browser and some very explicit DVDs in his room. Once, after freaking out about porn one night when I was very drunk, I left for work and when I came home, realized based on some settings on my computer, that he had watched porn on it while I was gone. I was incredibly hurt. I confronted him about it and he admitted it but there was no real resolution to the conversation.

While this incident was hurtful, I have truly been the one to waste hours of time in this relationship creating worry for myself. I once spent 4 hours researching one of his exes online. We once spent a full day talking about a female friend of his I didn't like. I have also spent countless hours reading relationship advice and forums online - only to leave feeling less normal, less accepting of myself, less clear of whether this relationship is "right" for me. And perhaps my most embarrassing admission (I want to die just typing this), when I come back to my apartment when he has been there alone (like after I go to work), I check the tissues in the trash can to see if he has been masturbating. And if I find that he has, I will spend hours trying to convince myself that he is masturbating to images of me and and not to a girl he's chatting with online or something. Just a few examples of my obsessiveness.

Over time, with help of my therapist and other positive changes in my life (including not snooping anymore), I have managed to deal more effectively with most of the above issues and I would actually say that our sex life has become fantastic with better communication and more openness, but try as I might, I can't stop thinking about him watching porn. It's gotten to a point where I will think about it for hours on end and do countless searches trying to determine if my desire for him to stop is "normal." I have also been trying to force myself to watch it too just to somehow see if I can "make myself like it" so I will relate and stop judging/hating him for it. After having a dream a month or so back where he and I had a threesome with another woman (when I woke up, I was certain it was some sort of competition b/c we were both doing things to him and then he judged her for doing it "wrong"), I would even start having mental images of women doing things to me while masturbating or even doing things with him, which caused me even more confusion - and guilt for judging him for his behavior.

Then, about 10 days ago, after his 30th birthday, I became extremely sick (at which point I decided to stop smoking and drinking altogether). I had to go back to my ex's house to pick up some boxes since he was moving and it was the last thing I wanted to do so sick. When I got back, I became completely, physically paranoid and became convinced that he had been watching porn in my absence. I asked him if he had been, he said no, i didn't believe him, I felt like sh** all day, and so the cycle continued. Note though that I rarely share these fears with him b/c I feel like an idiot and previous conversations around his porn use didn't go well since he was just shamed and I felt like a judgmental, paranoid fool.

We didn't see each other for a few days after this and I became increasingly sick. Mid-week, he came over and took care of me. He was there when I got home from work and was making me dinner. He cuddled and nurtured me and I felt so loved yet repulsed at the same time. That made me feel even worse. After he left the next morning, I went to see Don Jon alone in theaters. I cried the whole way through picturing him watching porn like that. It's almost like I was torturing myself. Then on Friday, he got sick and I went to his place. Instead of being kind and nurturing to him, I was snappy and distant and critical. I kept saying that I was worried that we wouldn't be any fun anymore after not drinking. This continued most of the weekend while he just kept getting sicker. I kept pushing him away but then freaking out completely when he began to get distant and not tolerate my behavior. When he left this morning for work, I have never felt so low in my life. While I have been mean and upset and paranoid before, this may be the worst yet and I'm not sure he, in his sober state, will tolerate me much longer.

The guilt and shame for treating him this way are profound and I don't know how to make my way back to the center. Even worse (although it's a tough call) are my feelings that I'm a freak. Why can't I just be normal in handling these feelings? Why can't I always have talked to him normally and rationally so maybe we could actually work through some of these things together? Am I just deeply afraid of my own sexuality - so much so that I am projecting hatred onto him?

I have already spent so much time this morning worrying about this, but it feels good to at least write it out. Please help me. Your thoughts are so welcome.