A life unfulfilled

Where do I begin...

I'm a 25 year old guy, just got my phd in physics. Started working.

However these achievements have come at great personal expense. To get where I am today, I have had to dedicate all my time since the age of 12 to school/university work. As a result, I never really developed proper friendships, never went to parties. Had my first girlfriend at the age of 25 which lasted 2 days. 2nd girlfriend a few months later which lasted 7 days. First kiss at the age of 25. The best description I can give of myself is "Sheldon Cooper" from the Big Bang Theory. I'm being serious here, I am so close to being Sheldon it's not funny. Big Bang Theory is like a reality show for me. I'm confident about anything relating to physics, but when it comes to talking to other people, I just don't know what to do. I'll continue with the story... hopefully you'll get a better idea of who I am as I continue.

Anyway... Since the age of 12 I suffered from OCD, depression, anxiety. I've been a checker, cleaner, counter etc from the age of 12 to the age of 23. I had no idea what was wrong with me until the age of 22 when I was diagnosed with OCD/depression/anxiety. I was (and still am) being treated with medication from my psychiatrist and seeing a psychologist. The medication has helped keep me stable enough to complete my phd. I've been on anti-depressants (SSRI's - on a ridiculously high dose which has had serious side effects which I will get to), benzodiazepines, anti-psychotics etc. etc.

Ok. So the anti-depressants work. I havent really felt depressed since I stated taking them 4 years ago. They also cleared up my OCD. The anti-psychotics work fantastically... but for the wrong reasons. See... a lifetime with few friends, no girlfriends, over protective parents has given me a fear of all things of a sexual nature. Not only a fear… but strong moral objections. I can't even watch tv/movies with kissing scenes. The anti-psychotics work well for me because they have completely suppressed my reproductive system and reduced my libido to nothing. it works great if you want to be Sheldon Cooper... focused only on physics, scientific discovery. Back to the SSRIs... My pdoc put me on a ridiculously high dose which has caused infertility (whether its permanent or not.. im not sure). The SSRI I’m on (Aropax) is an extremely difficult drug to stop taking. I gradually have to reduce my dose over the next 1.5 years. The anti-psychotics had the unfortunate side effect of me gaining 40 kg (90 lbs) in 2 years. 5 months ago, I couldn't stand the way I looked anymore. I got off the meds cold turkey. Got a personal trainer for an hour, 5 times a week and lost 22 kg out of the 40 kg. I didn't really notice any side effects of going off the medication for about 1.5 months until the cumulative dose that had built up in my system over 3 years dropped below some threshold and I stated to feel anxious again. I went back on the meds. I returned to a stable condition within 2 days of taking the meds again. I spent weeks researching ways to prevent the weight gain again. I came across a medication called Metformin. (this is more for the benefit of others on anti-psychotic medication who want to prevent weight gain - wish my doctor suggested it in the first place ) It works great. Basically, my long and exhaustive research into anti-psychotic medication (having a science degree helped me to understand the chemical processes) revealed that anti-psychotic medication causes a condition called hyperprolactinemia (very high levels of a protein called prolactin). Look it up on Wikipedia, it’s a fascinating protein. Anyway... its causes you to feel relaxed all the time (interestingly, this protein is responsible for the feeling of sexual gratification after sex) which is why it works so brilliantly for someone like me... I don’t feel the need to have any sort of romantic relationship or sexual contact. The downside of prolactin, is that it also regulates metabolism. High levels of prolactin caused by anti-psychotics prevent the metabolism of fats. They simply get stored and cannot be processed. Hence the gradual gain of weight without any change in diet. Metformin prevents the weight gain because it prevents the absorption of fat and regulates sugar levels. The two drugs seem to cancel each other out. While I’m not gaining any weight, I’m also not able to lose any.
Shortly after I finished studying, got my dream job and the stress of studying was gone. I realized what I needed most was a group of friends and a girlfriend. I dipped my toe into the dating scene using online dating. Met a few nice girls. Rejected by all. I imagine it’s a combination of not communicating well and my appearance. I'm not obese but would still like to lose 16 kg to reach my optimal weight. I recently decided to try going to the gym again to reach peak physical condition. In order to lose any more weight, I had to get off the medication again. So I did... I should also mention at this point that prolactin also regulates dopamine in the human body. Shortly after getting rid of the meds, my dopamine levels skyrocketed. I was absolutely furious/angry for no reason, moronically aggressive and aroused. For someone who has been so academically focused and emotionally stable for so long to be turned into what felt like being an animal essentially, it was the most terrifying experience of my life. I quickly went back on the meds. And that’s where I am now...

I don't know what to do. My pdoc doesn’t understand my plight and doesn’t know what to do except change meds which didn't help. My psychologist doesn’t understand either. The meds block the emotional centres of the brain. I'm sure there are others out there who have taken drugs like Seroquel XR and know what its like. I haven't felt much emotion in over 3 years. They should call it Vulcan XR. Despite my success in my career and generally how fortunate I am, I am unable to appreciate what I have as I can't feel any emotion.

I see my friends and colleagues enjoying life. I have grown distant from them as they don't understand my condition. My greatest fear is that I’m letting my life slip away… living the life of a robot.
How do I re-learn 15 years of social skills, overcome my fear and moral objections about sexuality and start on the path to a new life?
If anyone reading this suffers from depression/anxiety, I hope my story helps you to make more educated decision when it comes time to deciding an appropriate treatment. I’m not a psychiatrist, but I like to think both my experience with psychiatric medications and education as a scientist can help others in the future. So here is my advice. Do not… under any circumstances. Take Aropax (paroxetine). It may stop depression… but it will get rid of any motivation you have for anything in life, can make you suicidal, make you infertile (as I mentioned from my experience), cause widespread side-effects in your reproductive system and will take forever to get off the medication. I was taking 80 mg a day at one point. Most doctors think it’s insane to go above 20 mg (apparently not mine). With regards to anti-psychotics. They work really well in the short term. They will shave off any OCD thought and behaviours you might have, but in my experience they can make you more psychotic than you were before you started. Drugs like Seroquel XR will also make you incredibly tired. I was sleeping for 20 hours a day at one point (at 900 mg seroquel per day). Now I have to take prescription stimulants to counteract the tiredness. I also recently noticed that doses above about 200 mg per day cause paranoia. Theres a new drug on the market called Abilify. It’s a next generation anti-psychotic. It has no weight gain profile. I tried it for a while and worked quite well but ultimately couldn’t stand being off seroquel. It might work well for others though.

I think you're taking too many medications. Do you have a history of psychosis? Why do you take anti-psychotic drugs?

I have to agree. Some doctors get a little drug-happy with prescriptions.
I'm a little sketched out about taking drugs we don't know everything about. I don't even take multi-vitamins. I think you should at least scale back your drug intake to a single drug, or no drug, in my opinion. I feel like a clean diet (no processed foods, tons of fruit & veg), regular exercise, cbt and support groups are the best methods. But I wouldn't quit any drug cold turkey either, go easy on yourself.

As for the social thing. I think it's just a matter of relaxing (as hard as that may seem sometimes) and realizing that you won't live forever. I find when I suddenly realize that no matter what I'm going to die one day, then all the little things are suddenly worth nothing. We're all just people, in the end.

Hope this helps.
Cheers,
-Ben

greyskies, Interesting post.
I find paroxetine really helpful. What works for one person might not work for another.
You were on some very high doses of meds though.
You still have time to catch up on life.
As for the dating don't be put off too easily it can take a long time for anyone to find the right person. Persevere