POCD Help please

I recently posted this in the paraphilias section:

''I have POCD (the irrational feaar of being a paedophile) and over the years have convinced myself of many things that arent true.
But this situation suddenly occured to me as very real, and not just an obsession.
Let's say for a moment I am a non-exclusive paedophile, attracted somewhat to young girls. A few years ago, my then 5 year old sister was sitting on my lap playing games on the computer. I started having 'groinal response' and anxiety (or possibly an uncomfortable arousal). I was also having unwanted intrusive thoughts. My mind then kept daring me to let go and enjoy these feelings for a second, as if it was pushing me into something I didnt want to do. And for a second, I 'let go' and relaxed, 'enjoying' the feeling of arousal. All the while I was very very anxious.
Does this qualify as molestation/inappropriate behaviour with a child? Obviously she wasn't harmed, this was all going on in my head and thank god she didnt know. But I feel I did something terrible.
If it was just OCD then I could understand, but if I do have paedophilic tendencies then it changes how I look at it if you know what I mean.
Please help''

And got a reply saying it doesnt sound like POCD and they basically believe I could be a paedophile and did something wrong. What do you think? Please help Im scared

They basically believed you could be a paedophile and not POCD?

My first thought was: As an OCD sufferer myself, what an ignorant response of theirs.

But then I went back and found the post and saw it wasn't that bad, but I could see how it could have actually made things worse for you.

In other words, sounds like POCD to me.

thank you. I got a pm from a paedophile saying he read my post and knows how I feel...they all believe it is paedophilia! ????

elfie24 wrote:thank you. I got a pm from a paedophile saying he read my post and knows how I feel...they all believe it is paedophilia! ????

Look, it's YOUR decision to make. I don't claim to be an expert on these things, but to me being any kind of "phile" means that you ACTUALLY AND ACTIVELY LIKE whatever it is.

Therefore, being a "phile" of any sort means that you have decided within yourself that whatever taboo activity is acceptable and pleasant (a sick thought I know).

From what you have said, you have obviously have decided within yourself that such activity is wrong and unpleasant, the exact opposite of any kind of "phile."

From the specific situation you described, I see it as a case of you being sick of all the anxiety and wanted to end the phobia (not necessarily wanting to do anything wrong). But really only you know what went on in your own head at that point (don't let your mind run with this sentence!). And if you are not sure of what went on in your head at that moment then to me that is clear evidence that you did not intend anything wrong (I think you would remember something of that significance).

My conclusion is, if you didn't intend anything wrong and there are was no harm done to the other person (from your stated facts there was no harm done), then you are about in the same position as the rest of the population (just with some anxiety).

I think your REAL fear is the fear of accusation, that I am sure a lot of men have in western society (where in many cases people treat the accusation as evidence you did something wrong when that is not necessarily the case).

Thank you for your response. I know I am obsessing. I also know I never caused any harm, it was just thoughts. It's my intention that I am confused about...there was definitely and OCD compulsive urge to let go and 'enjoy' the groinal response, I didn't want to sexually, maybe just for a release from the anxiety and my mind was pushing me to 'do something bad'. I guess I will never know. What I DO know is I dont want to do anything sexual with a child and have never caused harm. I suppose that's the main thing. I'm sorry for being frustrating, I and you know how us OCD'ers can get. Thanks again

Someone sitting on your lap causing a groinal response is normal. I had a little boy sit on my lap causing an erection, but it was because the shifting of his behind on my private area created a stimulus. I had the same response before when my dog put his paw on my private area. People have gotten erections before from doctors touching their penis during a physical, but does that mean they are attracted to the doctors?

I think what may have happened is for a second you thought it felt pleasant, then you were like, "wow, I did not just think that."

As far as the groinal response is concerned around young children, this often happens due to anxiety and fear. If you think about your penis a lot, you'll feel something there whether or not it is a sexual response. Just think about a vesectomy for a few minutes and try not to feel anything with the thought of a doctor putting a needle in your scrotum.

I am sorry you are feeling this way, because I have had POCD too and allowed myself to believe I was a pedophile for several years before coming to the relieving realization that I really wasn't.

A lot of it for me had to do with everything going on in the Michael Jackson trial fearing that because I bonded and made friends with kids easily and all these people saying that pedophiles easily gain the trust of children, and the fact that I deal with a couple discipline fetishes that started when I was really young and when someone mentioned spankings and other submissive forms of discipline, I would often picture a child getting spanked by their parents. I realized after awhile I wasn't actually attracted to children, but sometimes talk of discipline in the context of children would remind me of a fetish I had of pretending to be a kid getting spanked.

If it really is bothering you this much talk to the closest person in your life, explain what POCD is, and that you don't feel attracted to children but you fear being that way.

Do you get sexually aroused at the thought of having sex or making sexual contact with little girls, or is it just the groinal response? Even though this is kind of sick to think about, sometimes just being excited or happy can cause a tingly feeling in the private area. Sometimes I noticed when I get to go work with or spend quality time with little boys, I'll get excited because I love to volunteer with youth, but I don't have an erection over the thought of sexual contact with children.

I'll just tell you that it is very hard to get through this without talking to someone, even if they aren't a professional. I was dealing with this for a long time, and didn't feel relief until I told my best friend and then my mom who were both very understanding and still think that I am good enough to work with children and worthy even though I allowed myself to have some disturbing thoughts, mostly either out of curiosity or wanting confirmation that I wasn't attracted to those thoughts or ideas.

Thank you for your response. I'm glad you are in recovery and can see past this. In terms of the arousal, sometimes I dont know because the OCD has confused me so much. I am attracted to adult women and can sometimes cross this over with certain aspects of little girls. But I dont know. Im trying not to think about it and am in acute day treatment at the minute, which isnt very helpful.
Are you on meds? I am thinking about coming off them due to the side effects but last time I did I ended up in hospital, convinced my OCD was real.

I'm taking celexa for depression now and I want to ask my doctor about getting on xanax as well.

As far as your comment about personalities of little girls is concerned, I like twinks with boyish and childish personality, as part of the BDSM and adult baby fetish. There are some adults that do role play where women dress up as little school girls to get paddled and things like that. I don't think being into a childish personality in women makes you a pedophile. It is possible that sometimes little girls can trigger your fantasies, but if you aren't interested in having sexual activity with them, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I just have a very high libido that gets aroused easily so for me anything of discussion related to spanking, discipline, or diapers can trigger an arousal even though when discussed in context of children, it isn't children that I want sexually. I also don't spend time around children in attempt to fuel arousal, it is something that just happens that I usually can focus my thoughts back to appropriate business when it happens.

I still fear that what I did was wrong, that I used a child for sexual purposes:(

When you go through POCD, it is normal to go throughout the past in your life and question every encounter you had with children and see if it was for sexual related.

The trick is accepting uncertainty. If it really was for sexual purposes, you would have been thinking that at the time you were doing it. If you weren't thinking that until later, it likely wasn't.

However, even if it was, being morally wrong and accountable requires having known the exact nature of what you were doing when you were doing it and knowing the sexual nature of it as well.

If you didn't believe you were using a child for sexual purposes at the time you were doing it, you didn't do anything wrong. I think what you might be thinking is that if you did something like that now you would be feeling wrong as if you were doing something sexual, so you're less likely to do it again. However, your mind didn't work that way back then.

For example, when I was 18, one of my neighbors who was about 7 at the time was playing at my house for a party we were having and I was hanging out with him and my siblings, and I gave him a pat on his behind as a friendly gesture. However, I didn't understand back then how people might take that as something inappropriate or sexual the way I do now, so I questioned myself about this recently and was wondering if I was doing anything sexual at the time. I have come to accept with that at the time I wasn't thinking anything related to sex, so the likelihood of that was slim. I didn't look at giving him a pat on the butt as any different than a pat on the back at the time. The same as you probably weren't thinking putting her on your lap was for any sexual intent, and you just were pleased by the stimulus, but not by the fact that you had a child on your lap.