POCD Help please

Yeah I didnt think of it that way. Maybe the feelings were real, maybe just an OCD response to stimulus or anxiety. What bothers me is I kep getting an OCD compulsive urge to let go and enjoy the feelings...like a little OCD voice was saying 'go on ruin your life, do something sexual with a child', and for a second I gave in and let go to the OCD urge. That's what I feel was wrong.

It may be slightly unrelated but I'm sure will gain some insight. I can create groinal responses in which I can physically create a feeling of arousal and stimuli in my penis with no physical/external stimulation required, with this ability I've re-appropriated or reapplied this feeling to most of my thoughts consisting of an intrusive nature, ranging from extremely vile to pleasant (non-intrusive).

You can only imagine the confusion this has created due to applying this thought and feeling of arousal to my sister, mother, aunt, father, nieces, children, friends family, elderly, dead, etc. I've always found the thoughts of children circulate my mind for longer and the obsessions continuously evolve, but not due to genuine interest, in which I've falsely convinced myself in the past, but due to complete disagreement and disgust of these thoughts, due to thought exploration these had all occurred.

Talking to my aunt about child porn recently I was disgusted, yet my OCD was telling myself to ''enjoy the feeling of anxiety'' and so on, I'm sure you can understand this confusion. I had even attempted to create groinal responses whilst in conversation about that subject, whilst my face was covered in honest disgust and my chest was in pain. I look back to that circumstance and my obsessive thoughts try to justify those feelings but I know internally and morally how twisted child porn and abuse is. Groinal responses can be extremely uncomfortable, confronting and worrying, especially when applied to different circumstances. I feel as though something is telling me to create a response now, I know I could create one now. It just leads to a constant cycle of fear when in reality it stems from such a simple action, or another desire. I've also found that my responses are not created out of pleasure or enjoyment for the opposite or intrusive subject, but one you're genuinely interested in, like sexual initiation or action with your partner, or even masturbation. It could be a generalized sign your body is wanting external pleasure, but there is no need to reappropriate that feeling and completely disable yourself because your PureO has applied it to thoughts of children, animals, etc. I find that when I do get groinal responses and emotionally reapply them to thoughts of my girlfriend, they and I become very active and feel engaged. I have a high sex drive too and can constantly create responses, sometimes they're more intense than others and that is where I feel I am seeking sexual pleasure with my partner.

Personally, I also believe arousal, responses and thoughts can stem from generalized anxiety and in addition to your consciousness and condition knowing of your fears, your obsessions will continue to evolve and mentally, emotionally and physically constrain and confuse you.

After years of these incestrial, abusive and thoughts of pedophilia nature I've never once acted on any single thought or taken my thoughts much further than the surfaced thought, because I know I could explore the nature and origin of the thought and shape it into something that is completely dehuman, violent and beyond disgusting.

Other than creating false or reapplied feelings of arousal due to my physical ability to actually do so, I've never been sexually interested in a child either, I've had intrusive thoughts of their genitals and many other graphic images but I've never attempted to act on them even though the intensity of these thoughts are unexplainable. PureO and when it furthermore spreads into the subcategory of POCD can be so hard to deal with and I know the feelings, logistically and logically think of yourself and this may subsidize your POCD sufferings for the time being.

All the best and hope I helped!

Elfie,

I don't think it is really any different than people who gets these occasional thoughts of hurting others that pass in and out of their mind. Is it something you want to do, or something that just comes in and out of your mind?

I had a little boy sitting on my lap once shifting his butt near my private area and it created the stimulation. To be honest, yes it felt good, but I enjoy the feeling, not the child causing the feeling. However, I didn't ask for it to happen, and I didn't let him sit on my lap for that reason. Women who are raped even have an enjoyable response to the stimulus sometimes, but that doesn't mean they enjoyed being raped. I think that is a lot of times why some women think it might have been their fault that they were raped, among other things. However, I haven't done much research on that myself. I actually also had an erection when my dog jumped up on my lap and pressed his paw against my private area. That doesn't mean I'm attracted to my dog though.

People enjoy sexual arousal even if they aren't happy about what they were being aroused about. If it is this much of an issue, I would just not allow children to sit on your lap in that manner, but just maybe on your knee so it won't freak you out.

Thank you both. I guess my fear just 'spiked' because I fear I let her stay on my lap for that reason. I think that is what scares me.