Pure O crisis, false memories, images, I can't take it

Hey guys - I'm currently setting up appointments with my GP and researching therapists in my area to get help because after 15 years of suffering I can't keep it together anymore.  It's been horrendously difficult and I'm losing any strength I had to keep me going through the day.  I used to be able to put up with all the ruminating but it's draining me physically now and I'm caving in on myself.

I have hope but that's heavily shadowed by the OCD itself which is the worst its been in my entire life.

The other problem stems from issues that occurred when i was 13-15 years old that heavily factor into my OCD.  I did things I am mortified with. I have talked about these things with my parents, a therapist, and several people close to me.  I get told that I was a curious kid who didn't know better.  To make a long story short I had an inappropriate attraction and rubbed up against these people in the pool when I was those ages in an inappropriate fashion.

Given pure-o I'm sure you can figure out where this is going.  On top of the guilt I have of doing the things I *know* I did, I've had images haunt me over the years of things I'm *worried* I did as well.  I'm worried it went WAY further than that.  But I've also taken it to extremes, what if I did these things. I worry that I did the absolute worst thing in my mind and worry I assaulted a baby. I have these images in my head that seem so real and a scenario that I was left to watch my cousin while my aunt retrieved supplies to change her. And I have this idea that in this time I got curious about how sex felt so I assaulted the baby. I have been worrying about that one for a good 8 years now. The reassuring thing is that the images and concept were always hazy. I'd ask myself "well if that did happen what else happened?" and I could never make a coherent story out of it. I could never clearly or consistently recall other imagery or me doing anything so I chalk it up to OCD.

I also compared it to my memories I knew as real. They're crystal clear and despite being ashamed of those things that really happened I at least knew they were real so I could write off the fuzzier thoughts as untrue.

The the day as I was assuring myself I was wondering what else could have happened to see if I recalled anything. A very real, very clear image popped up. I could feel it physically and it seemed so real. It wasn't fuzzy like the other thoughts so it scared the life out of me. I couldn't recall actually doing it or anything else around it but the fact that this image/thought felt more real than previous ones terrified me.

I need to ask others who have pure O or an understanding of it: is this possible? With false memories and intrusive images, is it possible to feel and see something that feels REAL like a memory? Can you physically feel things? Even "hear them"? Do scenarios or concepts pop up for you? I have had imagined scenarios I worried about and cant even remembered where the idea originated. (I.e. watching my cousin for my aunt).

additionally regarding intrusive images - I know the usual example is that ideas pop up out of nowhere but is it also common that you might be wondering "if I did this to the person then I would know what happened next, what would happen next?" and then have related ideas and images of what could happe suddenly pop up? Because that is another thing that is messing with me. I think of something And worry about it and images and ideas related to those worry pop up fiercely and realistically.

Heads up - I know OCD well enough that I am not supposed to reason with it or outlogic it. I am asking about if the false memory stuff in the previous paragraphs can actually occur.

I've read a bit about false memories and intrusive thoughts but I feel like the above examples may be unique which is scary to me because I am losing my mind and can't tell what is real anymore.

Thank you for reading...

Hi guys - I'm sorry, I hate being one of those people that "bumps" topics but I could really use some insight or hear from someone who has had a similar experience...

It can and it does. False emotions are very common as well, something I suffer with.

bendib wrote:It can and it does. False emotions are very common as well, something I suffer with.

Thanks for the insight. I remember reading someone else's experience that they had very vivid "memories" and they thought these felt so real they were stuck on them.

I hope you or someone can give me some insight here but I was recently obsessing and overthinking worries about imagery I've had in my head for years, worried it's real.

I asked myself "Okay, if this happened what was I thinking at that moment? What was my reasoning here? What did I do next?" and I suddenly imagined myself saying this phrase like "Well I want to do this for this reason and I know I can get away with it so I'm going to do it" and it came so naturally.

Is it possible to be worrying about something and hen suddenly have an imagined scenario like that pop into my head without any real setup or prompt there? Just bam, I can imagine/hear myself saying this thing?

I still have no memory of doing the actual act but htis is freaking me out

I am necro-posting, but yes, it is possible and happens to me as well.