How comfortable are you talking about suicide?

I'm fairly comfortable with it, considering how I've been having unwanted suicidal thoughts for years now.

It began in grade 5, when I DIDN'T have those intrusive thoughts. I was, unfortunately, pretending to be suicidal so I could get attention from others. By now, everyone has forgiven me, so I feel that I could forgive myself too.

Then in grade 7, I started getting genuine suicidal thoughts. My life was at rock bottom at that point...you know how OCD takes trivial things, and twists them incredibly out of proportion? Well, I won't tell anyone what that trivial thing was, but I legitimately did not care at that point about my life. It was a tough year.

In grade 9, my suicidal thoughts have peaked again. I became obsessed with this one girl in grade 10, and I'm not sure if it was true love or just something else. Anyway, I became so obsessed, that I started hating myself, since I thought that she was the true personification of perfection. I hated myself so much that I made a vow to make others hate me as well, since I was running out of energy to hate myself. And I did make other people hate me!

In grade 10, I felt bad that I didn't choose to go into the IB program at my school. This problem got so bad that I, once again, felt suicidal. I was delusional, at that point. I thought IB was the be-all, end-all. OCD has twisted my views on reality once again, and I became obsessed with IB. All my friends were going into IB, so I started feeling lonely and alienated. I got over that, when I joined the program at the last minute.

Then in grade 11, I had delusions in which I was a pedophile, and I molested people in the past. The month in which those delusions occurred was the darkest month of my life...I felt so suicidal, so helpless, and nobody could help. There were no compulsions that I could have carried out to make myself feel better.

Now, I'm still struggling with suicidal thoughts. Frankly, after having wasted my energy on all that I have described, I feel empty, and broken. But I'm hoping that it'll get better eventually.

I'm comfortable talking about suicide. I think some people don't want to talk about it because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing or afraid of their own feelings. However I personally believe there is no shame or strangeness in questioning the value of life. If you recognise that life is a choice and you choose to live, then to me that is a very life-affirming or positive action.

I have had suicidal thoughts since I was at school too. Sometimes they weigh me down and alert me to a serious problem, and other times I can see they are just irrational thoughts.

Mrmr, do you have somebody you can talk to about these suicidal thoughts?

I understand what you're saying, about the value of life. I choose to live, and not to kill myself, because I know that things will get better, and it would devastate my family if I do choose to commit suicide.

And yes, I do have some people to talk to...some of my friends, and my immediate family. I usually put on a facade of happiness and sarcasm in order to hide my true thoughts, however. Everyone looks so happy...I don't want to take their happiness away. In order to get through the day, I sometimes have to convince myself that I'm a totally normal person, with no trouble whatsoever.