HOCD? (PLEASE read)

Hey everyone, Stella here from a previous post— I've mostly gotten over the BPD thing but what's plaguing me more now is what I think is HOCD.

It's been messing with my memories I think... Stuff I didn't really care about before in my memories suddenly started tormenting me and telling me I'm gay and don't love my boyfriend... Yesterday I read about "latent homosexuality" and had a horrid anxiety attack... Because I was TERRIFIED of that being me. I've been in so many straight relationships— a lot online and a few IRL, the total number is a mystery to me. For most of my life, I've been boy crazy. My first love in kindergarten was a guy, those feelings stayed with me till 7th grade (oops, head just doubted that too). To this day, I never really could stand too many girls. I only had... Hm, maybe 4-5 close friends that were female growing up? As long as I can remember, I preferred hanging out with guys... Which was more fuel for my brain, am I gay? Now, the only "gay" times I've had in my whole life were when I kissed my best girl friend (who I called my sister) on the cheek and when I used to watch lesbian porn when I was about 9 years old; it was pretty short lived though. Aside from that I always had a fascination in gay relationships in the media. (I used to watch yuri, some yaoi, a few of the same-sex relationships on Degrassi interested me, etc) Um... I was a very huggy person, but I always thought the whole breasts touching in a hug thing felt weird. I had a few same-sex wet dreams before, one pretty recently though I think that was because of a video I watched before bed (nothing sexual, it just had another woman in it). Of the relationships I had IRL, the majority were pretty romantic aside from the sexual encounters (which were extremely rushed and awkward...) But aside from those instances I have always been boy crazy. But then my brain was like "Oh, maybe you only liked those guys because something about them was feminine. You're gay." And it likes to make a mockery of my whole identity! This last month that passed I have suffered from so many obsessions... (Harm OCD, relationship OCD, sociopath OCD, you name it I've probably suffered from it--) Out of all the ones I have, this one is the most painful to deal with. My attraction to guys is almost completely diminished... I find myself becoming more homophobic as the days pass. I couldn't sleep well last night because the thoughts are eating me alive, and when I woke up my stomach felt horrible.

I don't wanna be a lesbian or anything like that! Heck no, I always saw myself getting married to a MAN. Having children, a future with a MAN. Not a woman. But now it feels like whenever I try to imagine a romantic scenario with a guy or something my head likes to automatically turn it gay. Like me standing at the altar with another girl, or me having sex or doing romantic things with another girl. I can't escape my thoughts, I have lapses in minutes where I feel like I'm gonna be okay but it comes right back. I'm saying I don't want a future with anybody else but a guy, but my head likes to make me doubt EVERYTHING that comes out of my mouth. It even says my tears I've shed have all been forced for guys! Everything about me is fake pretty much... That's what it's said. It's been attacking the core of my identity for over a month now— I can't remember caring so much about what my head said before. I used to obsess, of course; about my boyfriends cheating on me (9 times outta 10 they were), about whether my friends were lying to me, about whether my friend could come over for the weekend or not (ugh massive spike there, "Because you were in love with her!" Can you not, brain?)...

My current dilemma is this; does this sound like HOCD? My form of checking is going to online forums, reading posts that delve back into MONTHS past, trying to reassure myself I'm not alone in this and that it's just HOCD... I'm scared because I haven't heard of anyone suffering from the whole "straight thoughts turning gay automatically" thing, plus the majority of them have "purely straight" history whereas mine isn't "purely straight" aside from the fact I haven't ever done anything horridly gay IRL aside from the cheek kiss when I was a 7th grader... Doesn't help I already have HORRID memory as is. I'm obsessing so hard because I feel like if EVERYTHING doesn't match up to other people's stories that automatically qualifies me for being gay. I'd hate that... Genuinely, I would. There's nothing wrong with being gay of course, I have a few friends who are in same-sex relationships... I just don't want that to be me. I have a boyfriend who I'm really happy with, he strongly believes me to be a Pure O sufferer... I'm scared, these thoughts feel so real and I'm losing my sense of self because of it... So far it's attacked my love for my parents, my memories, my love for my boyfriend, and now my sexual orientation... There's not much left it can attack at this point. I don't constantly check straight and gay porn, that doesn't match me up to everyone else sadly... The most I've done is google naked girls and I think I was repulsed by it... Ugh. Whenever I'd see porn like that I'd always scroll past and get away from it. Hate that stuff. Hated most forms of porn/hentai/ecchi as I got to be older, honestly— naked anything was a big no no for me. I also didn't engage in too many sexual things even in my long distance relationships. The second time I had sex was only because I didn't want my ex to leave me at the time and he was pushing pretty hard for us to have sex... I always called my boyfriends "pigs" for wanting to do anything sexual with me.

Oh, when I was younger, I did what they call Catfishing on a few occasions. I loved people I met online as my boyfriends, mostly, but there were a couple occasions I had same-sex interactions with people. They were all extremely short lived but now as my boyfriend puts it, the ghosts of my past have come back and are now haunting me.

On top of this, my boyfriend is flying out here to see me in exactly a week from now— July 13th. It'll be the first time we've met in real life and I'm so scared that this HOCD is gonna ruin it for me! If it is HOCD... What do you guys think?

Good morning! I want you to know that I found incredible solace in your post. I have suffered from HOCD, waxing and waning, for the past 6 and I am just now able to put a name to what I've been going through. It's actually incredible how similar our stories are, I found myself checking off most of the things you've listed. I found it so therapeutic to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half about what I have been going through. He was so supportive and told me it wasn't his place to judge me, and that it would never come between us. That helped me so much. But you've clearly done the same, as you mentioned in your post. However, my best advice to you (as I'm just finding out myself) is dont try to find a definite answer. I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to reason with myself, ask for help on sexuality forums, or even flipping coin for 25 minutes betting heads or tails constantly regardless of the outcome (I've done that on so many occasions). Sexuality is ambiguous, which is what makes this so hard, especially when you combine it with the irrationality that goes along with OCD. I'm not going to tell you to take a deep breath, because that only helps for about a minute, then our brains start to freak out again.
On a side note, I feel like I've been living under a rock for so long because I've heard about OCD my whole life and didn't even realize I had it myself. I lived with it thinking it was normal until it had just gotten so bad that I turned to the I Internet to atleast find that I wasn't the only one. It's only been a few weeks that I have been able to pin myself with HOCD, and already I'm feeling relief. It's all forward from here, I'm not going to let my OCD brain beat me.

Thank you so much for the reply! I'd been checking back on this forum so many times waiting for a response, glad to finally get one. It was a breath of fresh air knowing I wasn't the only one experiencing these things... Everybody else's stories sounded so different from mine and I panicked. But yeah, it helps knowing we're basically just combating a nasty disorder... Gets to be a real jerk sometimes... Sounds like you've got a pretty supporting boyfriend, just like mine; really makes it easier to bear. Anyway, I've talked to so many people about what's going on (people who actually know me and have known me for years) and pretty much all of them said I'm not gay. Naturally the disorder attacked it but any relief, even the temporary kind is really nice... I'm trying not to let it beat me; staying with my boyfriend is exactly what it doesn't want me to do, but I'm doing it. It worries me, going out and even seeing girls but I'm doing it... Hopefully when I get medication it'll help. Anyway, do you think it's possible for OCD to mess with your memories and make everything seem extraordinarily gay? That part especially is what's distressing me...

Glad I could help a little! You know, your OCD could probably be using it against you. I could easily see that happening. I'm not really an expert, but it seems plausible. It's not really something I've experienced.

Don't worry or I shouldn't say that. Try not to worry because many of us have hocd. What a terrible type of theme to have huh? Very common to be linked with suicidal thoughts as this and pocd are determined to be th most likely forms of OCD to be linked with depression. I myself have bipolar disorder too and I can't tell you how bad my suicidal thoughts were. I'm a male btw. Also with OCD it's common to have another anxiety disorder like GAD or panic disorder. Most of your symptoms are ones that I have. They appeared out of know where when I've been straight for many years and suddenly when I was 18 they appeared out of the blue, I'm now 21 and there still not gone. It won't ever go away. I've heard of OCD switching themes or creating new ones but it's likely that it will never go away. You just have to deal with it and me being on an ssri alone isn't good enough. I need therapy and I will start that as soon as I can. What is also common from experience and research is for it to haunt you in your dreams. Have you ever had a gay dream only to wake up with extreme anxiety and no sexual arousal? Although sometimes you can wake up aroused but that's just called a groinal response. If it makes you feel any better if you get anxiety over being gay then you aren't gay. Real gay people were born gay and this didn't just appear in there late teens early twentys. I can literally remember the day it all started. I had a dream where I was jacking off in front of a girl and then it turned into a guy and I woke up with extreme anxiety. From then on out I've had hocd. For 3 years I didn't even no I had OCD and thoug I was just a latent homosexual which is impossible. Closeted homosexuals are just gay people who are afraid what society or friends and family will think of them as. They enjoy there sexual thoughts and fantasies. They don't experience anxiety. Like I said before I never had any doubt over my sexual orientation before that night at age 18. Latley I've learned that OCD at that my age is really a common age for it to come out. It even came out before my bipolar disorder. Having OCD had also been linked to my substance abuse mainly alcohol. My anti anxiety meds work but I always end up abusing them because it feels so good to be temporarily relieved from OCD thoughts. I also have pedophilia OCD which has been getting worse. I hate this disease and everything about it and just want it to end. Don't tell any friends that u have who aren't educated in psychology because they might think your actually gay which will make your symptoms 10x worse. Try not to take jokes from people like "your gay" so seriously. Me being a guy this is a common joke for guy friends to say to each other and since having hocd it affects me so much and gives me such bad anxiety around my friends that I don't even want to hang out with some anymore because I think they think I'm gay or they call me gay and don't know what having OCD is really like and they just come off as ignorant and uneducated.