Hocd new user

Hey,
I'm a new user (female and a teen) and I thought I might tell you guys my story of hocd. Although I've never been diagnosed with OCD I am telling my mum everything next week and I'm pretty scared so I might not tell her my obsession at the moment. I have had obsessions since the age of 10 or 11 including a fear that my hair would fall out and a fear of being pregnant, looking back I laugh but it felt so real then.
For the past year I've been terrified I might be a lesbian although ever since the age of 5 or 6 I have liked guys, I have kissed three and one of them felt really good but the other two I felt nothing but I think it's cos I didn't really fancy the guys at all. It so annoying cos up until recently I didn't even question my sexuality. Last year when I had a serious lack of confidence and someone called me a lesbian and that's when it started . Ever since then it's been on and off and for a while I only got the thoughts when I saw a picture of a half naked girl which always caused a spike as I felt arousal and I think it was false I don't think I ever enjoyed it. I lost all my attraction for guys and that's what scared met he most although I still got a crush on a guy and that's lasted for about half a year now. Whenever I saw him I'd go red and get so many butterflies. This guy I liked ended up liking me back but when he asked me out I said no and while I was feeling regretful and sad the ocd got really, really bad . I think I said no cos of the ocd, I was so scared I wouldn't enjoy it which meant that I would find out that I am a lesbian and I don't want to be. So since then I guess the thoughts haven't left my mind and its been about 3 months now and one night I decided to google and try and reassure myself I am straight and I found HOCD and it all made sense for a while until my brain told me it wasn't hocd and I went on thinking I was lesbian for a while and now I'm back to thinking it's either hocd or internalized homophobia but I really want it to be hocd because I don;t want to be with a girl. The false arousal is the worst part (if it is false). I hate it. Whenever I see a girl the guys would describe as 'hot' I get this false arousal and it fills my mind with 'why did I feel that' 'omg what if I am a lesbian' but whenI relax and remember it's just OCD or if someone distracts me from the thought this arousal usually goes away. What makes it worse is when I see a hot guy my instant reaction is 'he's so hot' and I can't help but stare but I STILL FEEL NOTHING . Okay, the weird thing is, ever since the ocd got worse, my attraction for guys has kind of comeback, like if a guy does something cute I'll feel quite a strong sexual attraction that makes me feel very happy and relieved and it feel very real but it doesn't really last like the longest I've felt it was for about a minute, so why has it come back only when the ocd is at its worst ugh and also my mind tells me it isn't real attraction and I'm just doing it to pusuade myself I'm not lesbian.
The last few weeks have been pretty tough and I'm really behind at school and stuff like I got a F I have never gotten an F . I can't concentrait due to these thoughts but recently it has been getting better and I am able to laugh along with my friends and stuff so that's great. I told my best friend about the HOCD but she doesn't really understand although she did tell me she had the same thoughts for a while and also she told me that I wasn't and she knows a lot of lesbians and I'm not even nearly like one and if I was when I got the thought childhood memories would amke sense which they don't.
I check the forums everyday, it's almost become a routine, wake up,check forums, get home, check forums, go to bed ect. Sometimes I imagine myself kissing a guy and girl but I only do this when I'm feeling really relaxed and the hocd isn;' too bad and then I am aroused by the guy thought and the girl one makes me really anxious and sometimes sick. I really hate the hocd it has ruined a possible relationship and I really hurt the guy cos I told him I liked him and then I rejected him. I just want to skip to the part where I find the love of my life and marry him and have two kids and we all live happily ever after without this hocd but what if that doesn't happen because I turn out to be lesbian?
More about the internalized homophobia- I don't hate gay people, I really support them and I even grew up with some of my mum and dads friends being in gay relationships and didn't care although I did think how can two people of the same gender love each other. I know that my family and friends would accept me, I;m not really scared about that. I'm really scared that I am repressing these lesbian feelings though, what if I am lesbian and just am in denial or have internalized homophobia OWW I HATE THIS.
AHH please someone help:(:(

Anyone?

MeAnon,

I've had bouts with HOCD in the past. It's not pleasant.

The most important thing I learned through my process was that HOCD is not the real issue. HOCD does not deserve your attention or time. It's irrelevant.

Being gay doesn't matter. If you were gay, would you suddenly abandon yourself and cease to live? Of course not. You are much more than your sexuality.

OCD is an anxiety disorder. People with OCD have anxiety, and, unable to cope with that anxiety, end up quite literally inventing things to worry about. Your HOCD is merely an arbitrary distraction your mind has created to channel its anxiety towards.

What do you feel, physically, when you have bouts with HOCD? What are the anxious feelings like? What parts of your body do they originate? Can you feel the nervousness? If so, spend some time focusing on it and understanding where it comes from. Does the HOCD thought cause the anxious feelings, or do the anxious feelings cause the HOCD thought? Try to actually FEEL this.

The process in the above paragraph was fundamental in helping me understand the difference between my thoughts and my anxiety.

I honestly don't know what is the hocd and what is real anymore:(. I am trying so hard to figure out whether the groinal responses are real. It seems to me when I am talking to a friend I'll think, omg am I aroused and yes there it is, but only once I'va had the thought. Sometimes I don't even feel anxious, I don't like the feeling at all it's not enjoyable in the slightest and it's hard to explain how it feels. If I were to see a girl wearing short shorts or a tight dress I'll feel anxious and get the feeling. What really scares me though is when I see a lesbian couple I feel anxious but not sick people with hocd say they feel sick I don't and then my mind says I want it but I don't its so confusing. Also since it's gotten really bad when I saw a straight couple kiss I felt sick. I HAD SUCH A BAD SPIKE WHY DID I FEEL SICK!? The thing is, seeing a hot guy walk down the street I think oh he's hot but I don't feel aroused by guys all that often it happens sometimes and when it does I feel very happy and it feels like me.
The anxious feeling I get with HOCD is a racing heart and butterfly kind of feeling. I also go really quiet and can't concentrate and the anxiety is bought on by just seeing a girl men would call hot. I don't know what you mean by where do they originate though. I don't know the difference between my thoughts and my anxiety.

You can't "figure out" OCD. Any new reasoning you come up with will simply be turned on its head by the anxiety. That's why you engage in these rituals of checking to see if you're attracted to women. Your mind might say, "Oh, I didn't get aroused this time, that's good." But then a second later you might fire back with "Well how do I know for sure? Let me check again. I need more evidence, last time was a fluke." This whole thing about "I saw this hot guy, but didn't react this way, but saw this girl, and felt weird" will keep you in the same place, over and over again.

OCD cannot be confronted in the mind. The anxiety will turn any thought you come up with against you.

Focus on those butterfly feelings and elevated heartbeat. If you can, see if you can pay attention to and be mindful of those rushes when they occur. For me, I found that over time I learned to sit with the anxious feelings, and this helped reduce the circular thought patterns associated with the OCD.

Thoughts and anxiety are completely separate entities. People with OCD have the same thoughts as everyone else. The difference is that we have elevated anxiety, so the anxiety will look to jump out and attach itself to any potentially "dangerous" thought that comes through our head. That's when the thought will turn from something benign, that we don't even remember, to something obsessive.

To help clarify the difference between thoughts and anxiety, think about a scenario where you're in a good mood or relaxed for whatever reason. In these scenarios, the same thoughts that so frequently torture us don't seem to have as much relevance. Why is that? How can the OCD be worse one day than the next day? The fundamental thought has not changed. It's your anxiety that level that changed.

The best way to deal with anxiety is to FEEL it. To just sit there, with little distraction, and feel the nervousness in your body. Get used to how the anxiety makes you FEEL.

The real issue underlying OCD is not thoughts. It's anxiety. And anxiety cannot be truly described in words, it needs to be felt, however unpleasant it may be. Once you can train yourself to sit there and take whatever anxious feelings your body produces, you will begin to win the battle over OCD.

Thank you so much I understand what you are saying. When I get anxious I will try to feel the anxiety and do everything you said. I am also going to a doctors soon so I can be diagnosed (hopefully it is ocd and it isn't just denial) but thank you your post has helped me a lot . I am going to beat this HOCD eventually.