POCD or bad person :(

Hi, i'm new here :/
a few years a go i had POCD really bad and got put on Prozac for it and sure enough it went away for a long time, that was then i was 15/16 now I'm 18 and its come back so bad :/ At least i think its POCD

I've had so many othe obsessions, I've been in a relationship for a year and 4 months now and i got convinced that i cheated on my boyfriend, when i had never done anything, i raped him…when i clearly didn't and that i was a domestic abuser … I've never laid a hand on him in my life… so its not gone anywhere and as soon as one obsession/fear goes away another takes its place

I would hate myself if i had an attraction to children, i can't bear being in this unknowingness…i keep checking with pictures of attractive men and women and of course i find the adults sexy but what if i don't, what if I'm in denial? What if i find a kid on TV attractive?

My mind just goes round and round and round and there's no closure, at times it goes away like at a time in the day and I'm confident in knowing that I'm attracted to adult males but then ill spike and bam I'm in a mess…like i am now. I can't eat, i can't sleep, i feel insane…disgusting so damn guilty and terrified

I get groinal response (i hope) that sometimes just won't go away, but at times when I'm faced with a potential spike and I've managed to keep calm it doesn't happen but lately it happens without a clear image of any child or anything in kind just the word groinal response sets this horrible feeling off. I check myself down there all the time and it never looks swollen or turned on but it feels tense…

Ive never got off to ANY intrusive thoughts nor do i particularly want to, i still find adult porn a turn on and sex with my boyfriend is fine but now when I'm trying to 'get off' all I'm thinking is 'am i enjoying it,' is this turning me on enough' 'how long is it taking…' etc to make sure that i might not have subconscious attraction to kids :/ i sometimes just look at porn to make sure I'm still attracted to adults to check and make me feel better! But i never do, i always think what if its been building up from the spike earlier and I've suppressed it

Its disgusting this whole thing, i just want it to go away like last time!

I don't want to do anything with kids at all it disgusts me makes me bork but i always think, what if I'm forcing myself to gag at these thoughts, what if i subconsciously like them? I have no fantasies surrounding them at all but i can't help feeling…like i doubt this but i don't?

Why do i feel this really tense feeling down there? its only there when I'm going through this obsession and i can't really relate it to when I've been turned on properly…but my mind argues and says, 'well what if this is what real arousal feels like and you've been faking it for a long time,' i can't even masterbate anymore if I've had a spike in the last hour or feel like I'm masturbating from the groinal response. What if i want to get off to get rid of this feeling, it feels like i could cause

whats worse as the feeling isn't as bad after i get off, the groinal response well sensation doesn't seem too bad until a few hours

..although there are times when its still there immediately afterwards, i never get off because i feel the sensations or response down there, i make sure its at a time when i feel nothing.

But my mind says hey, you haven't gotten off today so you'll be tense and you'll be hypersensitive' I've never gotten off to anything child related it horrifies me, terrifies me!

Please help, i know i shouldn't seek reassurance on this but i can't even function properly anymore.
Sorry if its too graphic also!
Thanks, i really need you're help…cam i Pedo or have an attraction to children? I sometimes get so worked up i can't tell and other times i feel like haha,'what an idiot i am of course I'm attracted to adults'
Help?
thankyou!
L x

LornaDoom wrote:Hi, i'm new here :/

Welcome, glad you made your way here. Sorry that you have the need to be here.

LornaDoom wrote:I would hate myself if i had an attraction to children,

LornaDoom wrote:Its disgusting this whole thing, i just want it to go away like last time!

I would say that these last 2 quotes show that you are NOT a bad person and don't want to have these intrusive thoughts. OCD takes so many different forms when it involves obsessive thoughts, too bad you can't choose which ones they are.

LornaDoom wrote: i know i shouldn't seek reassurance on this but i can't even function properly anymore.

You have all the right in the world to get reassurance here. Do you have a psych or counselor to help you through this on the outside? It often helps to talk to someone that you can see in the flesh. It doesn't hurt that they are trained in this sort of thing.

Just know that you are not a bad person. You are experiencing an illness and need to do what all of us have to do when we have flare ups in our illness. You are obviously a good person from what you have written. Don't let these intrusive thoughts convince you otherwise.

Hi, thank you so much for replying!

I still think though if i had an attraction to kids, id be a terrible person it would be the end of my life!

No, I'm not seeking any professional help for it yet, I'm kinda nervous though cause I'm worried they'll name a pedo or something or they won't understand fully if you get me! I've started back on Prozac though in the mean time while seeking help, hopefully that'll help a little too.

I know right, about not choosing which obsessive thoughts you have lol, i'd love to have any of the previous ones or actually..anything rather than POCD it seems to be the worst.

Thank you again for replying!

Hi I'm in a really similar situation! It's awful. I feel like life will never ever be the same