Related to POCD?

Hello there, I am a 19 year old gay male. Before I get into this I want to go into a bit of background. Prior to this current episode, I have had periods of health-related anxiety/obsessions. Most recently I went through a period of about a month where I was constantly obsessed from morning to night about the fear of having a heart attack. I did lots of reading online about it, to the point that I had to stop myself from trying to diagnose myself. At first it was really hard to manage, but towards the end I had convinced myself it was hypochondria and I was able to control it. Immediately after, it was replaced by my current fear, and since then I am not sure what is going on.

My current fear is similar to POCD, except it is centred around teen guys about 13-17 years old. I am absolutely terrified and paranoid about being attracted to people in this age group. From morning to night I am constantly worrying about this. I am constantly doing mental checks to see if I am attracted to the right people or not. Since this started my normal attraction to guys has plummeted completely, which only further adds to the worry. I have tried to stop this somewhat, but a lot of the time I find myself viewing large amounts of porn to make sure that im attracted to the right things or not. If I am attracted to something, I get paranoid that I might only be attracted because of possibile similarities to the age group I fear. I find that I can -pardon my vulgarity- get off to the "normal" porn I view, but the paranoia persists that it wasn't a real attraction. I am still in constant doubt all the time over whether I am attracted to that age group or not, I can't determine what is an intrusive thought.

Past memories play a big factor in it as well. I get paranoid over whether I still might be attracted to the people I was in high school with. Even though I generally remember being attracted to guys around my age and older, I still get paranoid that I still might be attracted to guys that age. I often find myself questioning what is real anymore, as the conflicting thoughts in my head bug me all the time. I can function for the most part in my normal life, however I notice that I try to avoid places where this age group might be present out of fear. Sometimes the thoughts consume me so much that I feel like I would be better off dead, Im not suicidal but sometimes I feel that death is a better alternative to the constant fear I have.

Does this sound like OCD?

I'm no professional by a long shot, just someone who obsesses a bit about different things myself.

To me it sounds like that is what it is. It sounds like you have sort of latched onto that particular obsession at this stage of your illness.

Do you see anyone for therapy? If not, it sounds like it might be a good idea. It would help you to not feel so out of control or crazy, so to speak. BTW, I don't think you are either. I just know that when the obsessions are kind of raging it feels that way.

I hope you are able to get the help you need.

Unfortunately, No. I haven't seen anyone yet over this. Not only is it something that is extremely embarassing to talk about, it would also require me coming out to my parents as gay, which I can't do.

I hope you will be able to find a way to talk to someone about it without coming out to your parents until you are ready.

I sent you a PM. I hope that is okay. I hope it will help in some way. Good luck to you.

Thanks for the Help, I appreciate it

Hi, im not a professional either but i'm suffering from pocd too..im an 18 yr old female so the whole kid thing is terrifying!

I can relate to the porn thing, I'm always so paranoid that yeah what if its not 'real attraction,' and do you ever find yourself looking at porn for reassurance you're still attracted and stuffs? I do that a lot.

Same about my normal attraction to guys, its as if i don't know what or who to define as attractive anymore, odd sure has its ways of blurring the lines, i guess its like repeating a word over and over again..it begins to become jumbled and unclear? Same with thinking things and obsessing.

I find though the thoughts ease if you sit with a friend in a place where the age group is…like after an amount of time, its hell when you first say sit down honestly, today i was in mcdonalds and was close to tears, spikes everywhere! D: But soon you forget about it all and eventually you're like wait…I'm not too anxious...what was i so scared about I guess its like exposure therapy in a way.

Ive been through pocd once before and its come back quite bad now so I'm mooching about this boards, and even though I'm not a professional ocd sounds likely in your case ;D
Lorna x

The porn viewing is definitely for reassurance. I look at guys that I know are hot and even guys that I was attracted to in the past but I feel nothing! All that I feel is a tense nervousness in my chest. Despite that I can still -again, pardon my language- get off to it just fine! I agree, I think the constant over-analyzing is what numbs our feelings.