Severe Pure O & ROCD - I love my girlfriend but I can't stop

Hello there,

I have reason to believe that i'm suffering from ROCD and severe Pure O and it's ruining my life.

4 years ago I very randomly became terrified of any form of movement. This caused me horrible anxiety & panic on a daily basis that lasted for months, it came with the usual extra symptoms such as negative thoughts, stomach pains, palpitations, heavy breathing, feeling constantly scared, irrational thinking (one day for a reason I can't remember my mind thought I was gay despite having NO attraction men, that scared me and grew as the anxiety fed off it) and even suicidal thoughts. With time I eventually just got over it and now it's just a bad dream to me.

In that gap I occasionally have the odd case where unusual obsessional thoughts will surface and the anxiety hits, sometimes I could shrug it off easily, sometimes it lingered for awhile but ultimately none would last and my life was more or less back to normal.

This one that has hit me is very similar to that...only on a much more sensitive subject which I fear time alone will not cure. For the past 4 months i've been suffering from the worst case of OCD i've ever had. Rather than getting anxious, odd fears over movement....it's been projected on my girlfriend.

This all began the week my grandmother died, having lived with her for most of my life this left me devastated and a wreck. My girlfriend was there to comfort me and I was doing better. On the Thursday we went to a friend of mines to visit him and smoked some weed. I have given it up now. On the way home while a bit stoned I suddenly felt very apathetic and unloving towards my girlfriend, this had happened once before the last time i'd smoked weed but I was able to shake it off then.

Whether it was because I was physically with her this time as last time I wasn't I don't know but this time I was not able to shake it, I kept telling myself it was nothing but no matter what I tried it refused to give up. As a result I began having all the symptoms like....
- Negative thoughts (You don't love her, you don't find her attractive etc..) which made me feel worse.
- Stomach butterflies that made it hard to eat and I end up throwing up some times.
- Shakes, heart beating fast and breathing hard.
- Breaking down crying telling her how sorry I am for everything and that i'm a terrible person.
- Seeing other women and compulsively thinking they're attractive making me feel guilty for it in turn.

I tried going to bed but to no avail, the anxiety grew and as I tried to sleep I kept thinking why isn't it stopping? What's wrong with me? Why is my heart and chest doing this? Am I dying?
Ultimately I had a very bad panic attack that lasted a few hours that night, which left me scared as hell. When I finally slept and woke up my OCD kicked in and I remembered. This projected onto my girlfriend and she became the focus of my fear.
It's been this way ever since. Whenever I look at her, think about her or hear her voice I get these anxious feelings that tear me apart. They bring out terrible thoughts/questions (You don't love her, you don't find her attractive, you wanna leave her etc..) that I know are not true but they hurt so much only making it worse as the cycle goes on. It has been this way everyday. Fits of crying, stomach pains so I can't eat, negative and irrational thoughts....it's exactly the same as before only so much worse.

She's the best girlfriend ever, I told her everything and she has been so supportive. She loves me and I know i'm going to marry her. There have been moments where I just felt positive and ok, I could still "feel" the anxiety there but it was like I was suppressing it and it wasn't in control. This can be in seconds to longer and I was even able to suppress it for a good several weeks until a bad combination of over thinking in certain situations caused it to resurface.

Just like before this constant state of mental distress has been eating me alive by dragging out other irrational and terrifying thoughts related to stuff that I should otherwise shrug off, it is self-sustaining, grows and it's ruining my life.

I just want to go back to being happy and "normal" when I think about her, look at her and hear her. These compulsive thoughts that act automatically and bring on the other symptoms too are ruining my life, I don't want to lose her. She truly is the love of my life.


I'm so scared, what can I do?

Hello.
I'm sorry I can't be much help to you as I am here for the exact same reason as you. I get the same feelings about my boyfriend of 5 years. I love him so much that i know it's a load of rubbish, but it feels so real. He is my world, and that's why it hurts so much. This came on suddenly for me, literally like over night about 4 days ago and ever since I have been a mess. I can't do anything! I want to be in bed all of the time, I wont say something sarcastic or make any jokes that could cause a disagreement because I feel like that would be me admitting I don't love him and my appetite has gone (again). It hurts so much, I too don't know what to do. Just know that your not alone.