(New Here) I had a intrusive thought about my son

So Im currently on a Klonopin taper dealing with major withdrawal symptoms insomnia,severe anxiety, increased OCD, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS! So three weeks ago late one night I had walked into my kitchen and saw a knife and had a random thought about stabbing my girlfriend and it freaked me out at first and so to make light of the situation I had went into the room and told her thinking she'd brush it off make a joke or something, but it didn't go down that way she got really upset, which in turn made me feel worst and so I started obsessing about it!

Well things had calmed down and so one day several days later I was changing my sons diaper hes (3) I'm (25) and I was cleaning him, wiping him down etc.. And I thought to myself his penis looks like one of those little Oscar Meyer wieners, and then I started thinking of this appetizer my grandmother makes every year at christmas with them, but then......it came from no where I had a vision/thought of biting his penis. And it stopped me dead in my tracks and I started having a full blown anxiety attack. I started googling stuff to see if there were other people out there having these types of thoughts and I started thinking I was like becoming a child molestor or a pedophile or something> Completely psyching myself out I had no self control I wanted answers!

Now I know my CNS is shot at the moment so everything is jacked up right now and will be until I'm off and are going through real withdrawal I kind of am now though. So today I'm writing you because this morning a similar situation happened I had got out of the shower and my son was hanging out in the living room and I walked out in a towel and i thought to myself " how weird would it be I flashed my son" a 3 year old mind you! And it started again I couldn't shake the thought or the reason why I was having these crazy, weird, disturbing thoughts and why are they sexual!

On top of which since coming of this klonopin everything is sensitive and I've had a increase in my libido like I'm a very sexual person to begin with but this is all the time! Like my body will settle after a few days but as soon as I engage in any activity masturbation or sex, I'm aroused for days following always in the mood its annoying. So on top of feeling like this and having sever anxiety and obsessive intrusive thoughts! Its really starting to get to me! I know this may seem ridiculous and stupid, funny whatever you wan to call it. But its embarrassing and really starting to wear on me. I was fine before these meds and have no intentions on trying other medications! So can anybody just lend me some words of wisdom? Itd be much appreciated, another thing I'm currently unemployed at the moment so it doesnt help that Im at home everyday with nothing to do to take my mind of $#%^ and keep busy. I dont know guys?

Really......95 reads and no replies!! Some support group :/

Hey my friend,

First off, relax and take a deep breath.

I struggle with similar thoughts, so you are definitely not alone here. Reading your story, I could almost predict the outcomes before I read them!

These thoughts occur because you have an initial thought that others build upon. It's a snowball effect. You have the initial thought of "What if XYZ?". Having that thought primes your thought process for actually thinking the "bad thought", so to speak. Let me put it this way: If I told you NOT to think of a polar bear, what would happen? I'm positive you would think of a polar bear. That's how all thoughts work, good or bad. Research shows that trying to suppress a thought inherently makes you think the very thought you are trying to suppress.

Now, I know what you are thinking. "Ok, but why do I have these thoughts in the first place?". Well, it goes back to the whole idea of priming. Really, it has to do with anticipation. When you are put in a situation like the one where you were cleaning your son, you immediately become "defensive" in your head about the "bad thoughts". You are reminded of them because of the context of the situation (your son is there, you are only half-clothed, etc.), and so you try to stop them from even forming. Therefore, you are setting yourself up to think the thoughts! You are telling yourself, "don't think of XYZ!" So what happens? You think of XYZ.

As far as why the thoughts are sexual, it is because weird sexual thoughts are often the most grotesque and disturbing. Thus, they freak you out the most. Thus, you worry about them the most. Thus, you think about them the most. Thus, you feel the most anxiety towards them..... You see where I'm going with this.

Now, sometimes the thoughts come in randomly. Well, so do a lot of thoughts. In the past 5 seconds I have thought of raping someone, murdering someone, etc. However, the bad thoughts might not really be as random as you think. After you have one of these bad thoughts, pause for a second, and take a deep breath. Then, think back to right before the thought came into your head. I bet you will find that often, the bad thoughts come about because you are "testing" to see if you like it. Then what happens? Well, it usually feels like you do like it/do want to do the action, right? That's because you are going into the battlefield already worried that you are messed up and that you "want" the thoughts. Then, if you just try to forget about it, you feel guilty about not ruminating on it, because it's like you are "allowing" the thoughts. I often fear that I am secretly indulging in mine. Even writing this right now, a little voice in the back of my head is says "no, your thoughts (meaning mine) are messed up, you should be ashamed, you're messed up." But, this is exactly what obsessive thinking is. As obsessive thinkers, we just go over and over everything to "check" what we did. You are also likely thinking of them because they are routine and habitual.

Try to let your thoughts flow without hinderance. Admittedly, this is difficult, as you will probably feel guilty about them. But, once you let them flow through your head without trying to suppress them, you will get used to them. They will go in one ear, and out the other; you will realize how silly it is for you to worry about them. Right now it may seem impossible to just "not worry about them", but that is because you are currently just so used to your current thought process and feelings of guilt. The more you worry about the thoughts, the more anxiety you associate with them. So, take the anxiety out of the equation, because it is not warranted. I promise.

I really do think you are just fine. However, I do encourage you to see a therapist so that you have someone to confide in. Having someone in "real life" to talk to is much more substantial than me typing here on this forum.

Read all of this; it is well worth it: http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php

I hope I have made you feel better. Now, I must warn you that it is easy to relapse back to ruminating on your thoughts and, basically, questioning everything. In fact, you might be doing that right now even with the evidence of your "ok-ness" staring you right in the face. This is obsessive thinking rearing its head once again. Beating obsessive thinking take practice, but I know you can do it.

Best of luck!

I know I sounded frustrated but who wouldn't be right.... Yes I'm working on not giving them much thought and just trying to let them be there and its somewhat working I'm just trying to keep my mind distracted. But the big issue here is coming off this anxiety medication which has thrown everything off completely. So I'm dealing with that which is a huge contributing factor in all of this. But I really appreciate your thoughts and advice very helpful along with the link. Thank you!

No problem at all. I struggle with my thoughts too.

As far as medication goes, I am by no means an expert. However, I know that stopping psychotropic medications cold-turkey can induce withdrawal symptoms. Ideally, you should taper off whatever you are on.

I am on a little medication myself. I'm not sure if it is helping me, but it's worth a shot.

Hi

I am also new to this and this is my first reply to someone's post. When I read what you said I completely related to it. Intrusive thoughts are HORRIBLE. My niece is two years old and one day I was changing her and then put her in the bath. I then started thinking how strange it was that she was running around naked and I am not her mother etc etc. I then started freaking out that I shouldn't be looking and well it spiralled from there. I had nights I would cry to my partner all night because there must be something wrong with me. I avoided the computer so I didn't google something disgusting. But this is the WRONG way to deal with things.You need to realise that everybody, EVERYBODY has weird thoughts but if they are not suffering with anxiety or OCD they are able to just shrug them off. However we obsess about them. We need to just let them be. Now when I started trying to do this I started to obsess about this thinking 'if i let these thoughts stay in my mind, that must mean i am accepting them and that I am the horrible person I think I am' however stick with it. However uncomfortable they may be, you need to let them be there without questioning every detail of your thoughts, because once your doing this, your giving them such importance. I haven't touched any medication and although sometimes I feel this could be a quick fix and give me the peace of mind I crave I am aware that we can do it ourselves. And so can you. Im not saying the thoughts will stop but being able to cope with them and not obsess too much will give you such strength so when the next one comes you can laugh about it.

I too overheard a conversation about a boy who was in a psychiatric ward as he wanted to kill his mother. I then panicked I maybe would lose control and hurt mine. It got so bad I panicked when she didn't come home from work maybe I had done something crazy. She came home obviously. One of the things that comforts me is that because these thoughts are upsetting us, it means we don't like them, they are not who we really are it is just an over active mind. Please try and just carry on your day with these thoughts and soon you will see they move to the back of your mind and soon, you will laugh at them the next time they arise!

Hope this helped x

Thank you very much! Yeah just trying to compe with things day by day! But the worst part of it all is being unemployed and not having to be distracted 8 plus hours a day anymore which would help alot ya know