Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First post..

Hi. This is my first time joining/writing on an online forum. After reading this post I felt like I needed to. I think I may have this too. But I'm so scared. As I write this my heart is pounding and I keep looking around to make sure nobody can see me writing this... although I'm home alone. I have thoughts in my head (I don't think of anything graphic, or in detail) but I'm constantly scared that I'm a *monster* (I don't like using the 'P' word). I constantly am scared that I am one of them and there's nothing I can do. It's heartbraking, I am an Aunty and I would die for my nieces and nephews I love them so much! This is why it's really messing me up. I have always been there for them, and now I feel like I can't go near them. It's been upsetting me so much. I have told my Mum and my Boyfriend everything, and by that I mean EVERYTHING. I had to, I couldn't keep it inside anymore. I kept thinking of things that has happened in the past, no matter how big or small. Even if they're not related to sexual things or anything. I would just have some memory pop into my head and have to tell them. It's weird!
I just feel like it's in my brain all of the time, like I think I'm the worst person ever, I HATE myself to a point where I feel like I will never be the same happy, fun, carefree person I was two months ago. Although now I think about it, I think I have been obsessing over things way before that.
Also, if I forget about it for a minute, and I'm happy, when I remember that I feel like a monster, my heart sinks. If I think about me being a monster and don't panic or cry or feel sick I start thinking, "oh my God, I'm not anxious about it, does this mean I am one, or will be one? Why am I not crying, I should be, I'm a horrible person, oh my God i'm a monster!" But then two mins later I will be in tears, shaking and feel hopeless. Then if I think of it and shrug it off for a second, or laugh at how rediculous it is, I start thinking, "I shouldn't be laughing, it's sick, I'M SICK, oh my God what If I was laughing at me being a monster, what if that means I want to be one" It's awful. I don't know what to do!!
I'm thankful I don't have any graphic thoughts, they would mess me up, but it's the constant thought that I am one, or that I like it (It's ridiculous! I know even at my worst, lowest, crying point that I would never act on it. I would do anything but!)
I am also really paranoid! As I am typing this very sentence a police van came onto my street and my heart started racing. I always think people are going to get the police on me because i'm a weirdo, or a freak and need locking away. My mum & boyfriend tell me it's silly and my mums advice is really helpful. I always go to her to talk, when I'm upset, I feel like i need to, although I talk about the same thing each time. I am so scared. What if it isn't OCD and somewhere in my mind I'm a weirdo. It scares me thinking about it. I shudder at the thought of it. I hardly have an appetite. Over the past 6 weeks I have lost weight. Christmas and New Year wasn't the same.
On New Years eve I discovered that it could be OCD, and I was okay for a while, it still hit me and my heart still sank every now and then, but I was okay for a while. A couple of days later I was back on square one, I'm still there. I feel exhausted and I'm not even sure I want to post this incase of what you think of me. Please feel free to message me if you have any advise, or have been through a similar thing. I could do with all of the help I can get.

What about repetitive thoughts that one has said or written something inappropriate, such as swearing at ones employer or writing hate-filled letters to a friend?!!!!!




I know I would never do anything like that but I have intrusive thoughts and it feels like my mind created the thought and my mind created a false memory that my mind blanked out and I wrote an innapropriate letter about my roomate and put the letter in his computer desk , but I know deep down inside I never went thru his computer desk to hide a letter and I know that I have control of myself and I know it didn't happen. But I guess the intrusive thoughts and pure o is making me feel like I did , and I'm having a hard time believing what is real and what isn't

I have absolutely no memory of doing anything like this and I know deep down inside I wouldn't email or write a nasty message to anyone

Please I need advice and feedback


It's like a big fear of losing control and not remembering

The intrusive images , intrusive thoughts , and false memory sucks , it makes u feel weird , it questions you , it questions your sanity , it causes fears and sometimes you believe these thoughts


It's mentally and physically paralyzing

What about repetitive thoughts that one has said or written something inappropriate, such as swearing at ones employer or writing hate-filled letters to a friend?!!!!!




I know I would never do anything like that but I have intrusive thoughts and it feels like my mind created the thought and my mind created a false memory that my mind blanked out and I wrote an innapropriate letter about my roomate and put the letter in his computer desk , but I know deep down inside I never went thru his computer desk to hide a letter and I know that I have control of myself and I know it didn't happen. But I guess the intrusive thoughts and pure o is making me feel like I did , and I'm having a hard time believing what is real and what isn't



Please I need advice and feedback

Hi I have never replied online like this. I read this and what you are experiencing is how I think to a tee. When I was a child I did something out of sexual experimentation with a pet and it was not even severe or that horrible. I have had obesessive thinking tendancies all my life but they have never gotten out of control or affected me. I am now pregnant and hormones have amplified everything. I see a counselor for the time being until I have the baby. Before I woud think about it and feel bad for a day and be like ok I was a child and it was ridiculous. Ever since i became pregnant I would start thinking what if I am a molestor and ruminate about it and go as far as what if when i die and do go to heaven and cant face my pet. I love animals dearly and could not live with myself if I hurt them. It got so bad that I was almost hospitalized by my counselor for suicidal ideation even though I would never do that while pregnant. For example I have two small dogs now and have always checked them for any health reason and have always wiped them off if they gt something on them. One day not too long ago I checked my male dog for something I cant even remember and accidentally touched his genital area for literally half a second. I realized that I did that afterwards and thought well that didnt hurt him so i can move on. Thats not what I was doing but because I thouhgt that I freaked out and went into a panic. I thught all those thoughts like I am a molestor and going to hell and etc. ever since then if I come into contact not even thinking I feel horrible. Like if I tap my dogs in the butt for anything even just to like move them or if he gets into something I think maybe that was inappropriate and i shouldve tapped him on his head or something. I have always tapped them in their butts before. Just recently my friends dog has dandruff along his back and butt and when I seen it I just ran my hand across his back once to kinda wipe it off. I dont even know if I came close to the top of his butt and i had to stop and make sure I didnt do that n purpose. I constantly doubt myself even though I believe I know deep down inside that I dont mean anything bad by it. If anything like that hapens I always ask myself did i do that on urpose for any weird reason and then I tell myself no thats ridiculous. I feel like my mind constantly is going and it is truly exhausting I havent even mentioned half the things that go through my head (very similar to how you think) I literally get angry wiht myself now for even second guessing myself. Its like I cant help it. I try to avoid coming into contact just because I know I will act stupidly, I do believe my hormones are amplifying it. I try to tell myslef I am just being ridiculous but then i say what if I am just really bad and just trying to make myself feel better for doing bad things. Its always a fight. But dont be afraid to talk about it and get help there is nothing wrong with that.

YOUR POST literally made me regain hope and made me feel better inside. I have been dealing with intrusive thougthts for years now. Since I was about 15 or 16. At first they were just that, intrusive thoughts, then once I began to feed into the guilt and doubt, they began to give me panic attacks and fill me with depression that I couldnt beat and still struggle to beat every single day. Ive shared alot of the same themes youve described. Whats funny is things arent an issue untill we make them one, for example I started dating and going out with female friends and there was no problem. I could talk on the phone for hours and go to the movies and just be a little nervous and whatever, but once I started getting serious with my girlfriend I would ask myself, "Am I a stalker??" "What if Im some sort of Woman beater. How would I know since Ive never beat a woman." Or when I got my first job Id meet my coworkers and everything would be fine, but once I began to build friendships with them and talk more and more I would say "what if im gay or something and thats why I enjoy to talk?" "What if Im a loner and incapable of connecting with people" and when I began to have conversations of one day being a parent I would panic and flip out and think, what if im evil and want to beat my kids or abuse them? A THERAPIST once told me his girlfriend confessed to him that when she had her first she would think, "what if im some sort of killer and I could hurt my baby and nobody would ever know" He also said that most people have thoughts like that but that those of us with OCD obsess over those thoughts on a higher level. The reassurance is unfair for us to have to practice and hearing that you go through the same thing makes me realize were not crazy or sick, we just have OCD, something common and that we shouldnt be ashamed of. It got to where I would have to Masturbate to Women having what i consider normal sex, or have sex almost every night just to reassure myself that im normal sexually and my intrusive thougths are just that, UNWANTED thoughts we over-analyze and worry over. Recently I began going to the gym and I would get intrusive images and fearful thoughts that I was a gay (because naked guys walk around in the locker room) or that I was an aggressive person who would prey on females because their alone, but once i actually got there and began to work out, it felt like all the fear went away and I was none of those things. I was just me, somebody with empathy and enough heart to never intentionally hurt somebody. I really hope you r thoughts ease a bit, and dont worry if you go through ups and downs. thats normal. Your post made me regain hope. I hope you all read this post and my reply, Any positive words would help me right now. I was pretty depressed before I read this.

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Please read these. They will do you a lot of good.
Also find the book "Brain Lock" by Jeffrey M. Schwartz. It can really help you.

Sunflower seeds can help OCD a lot, particularly raw sunflower seeds. Shovel them in, but make sure any meds you have will not interact.

We've all dealt with the excruciating hell of Pure-O, you have my deepest compassion and my most extensive understanding.