Pure-O? HOCD? READ ME.

this helped me so much and i related to it thanks for this

-- Thu Oct 20, 2016 3:58 pm --

this helped me so much and i related to it thanks for this

can someone please answer me? is it possible to have ocd obsessions about fear for a certain event happening that isn't unrealistic that could happen but you obsess over it 24/7 and have compulsions for it??

It's possible to have OCD over just about anything...

thats what i thought too thank you for your reply:)

I got hocd for two years now. It started after a drunk shemale experience. I still regret it en feel traumatized. I dont have flash backs that hurt me, but just the idea that i did somehting gay.

Since the hocd i also more arousend by gay and shemale fantasies when masturbate. While i also can get off to particular girls but since hocd is more difficult. Feel totally numb around woman. Oftern along with panic attacks.

Is this my grey elephant or am i just gay without knowing it or had a perfect strategie to hide it, in my first 24 years?

Snaga wrote:It's possible to have OCD over just about anything...

I think it's one of the ''side- effect'' of your major ocd.

I got hocd and also doubt more stuff than i ever did before. Its really chemical brain- cancer.

Hi there,

First off I just want to say that this thread was really helpful to read, so thank you for going to all the trouble of putting together the information on the first page. I think I'm going to start trying to applying those methods to how I'm dealing with my symptoms right now.

I joined this website a couple of weeks ago after I had a really bad day and had an episode of what could probably described as a spike of anxiety that made me (mildly) self-injure in the middle of class for relief of the tension.

I'm trying (and probably legitimizing things in the process, hah) to figure out what is going on with me right now, so that I can make some better informed decisions on whether or not to start medication. My current therapist has theorized that I'm suffering from anxiety and depression, which fit the symptoms I've been experiencing (not being able to keep up with school, inability to concentrate, lethargy, sleep disturbances, etc).

However, I haven't been entirely honest with her out of extreme fear of being institutionalized. One reason I broke down and decided I needed to seek help was that at the beginning of my semester at school I started having intrusive, unwanted, repetitive thoughts that I would self-harm or attempt suicide. It wasn't that I wanted to do these things, on the contrary, I was initially very scared that I would. Somehow I would lose control and the thoughts would become real. This is what makes me think I might be having some symptoms of O.C.D. or Pure O instead of depression. I don't feel sad, I don't want to be dead, I don't hate myself.

Since its been going on for...gosh, months now, the thoughts aren't really associated with the same level of anxiety any more. I don't know if that's normal? At this point i'm mostly just weary and exhausted. I feel like I'm in Groundhog's Day and I listen to the same radio broadcast every morning whether I like it or not. Sometimes they bother me, but other times I am just annoyed that I have to keep going over the same stuff. Sometimes I feel like walking up to people I know and just saying "I think about the same suicide ideation / self-harm behavior what feels like 400,000 times a day", as if saying it might help. Maybe I just want people to see what's happening to me. I used to be such a different person.

On my "bad day" I kind of wonder how much of it was desperation in the face of extreme emotion, and how much of it was just thinking if I actually self-injured if maybe I could stop thinking about it? That day I was really scared, because I felt like I was "slipping" towards actually being dangerous to myself. The self-injury helped too, I felt better, which added to the awfulness.
Now I'm not really sure what I think, which seems to be a theme.

I have self-harmed for anxiety, many times, and find it very relieving- but the effect is very temporary.

So I'd lean toward your idea it was SH in the face of extreme emotion, and since you'd been thinking about it... ? gave it a try?

Which can be completely separate from the issues of intrusive thoughts of self-harm, as far as I'm concerned. I've had pure-O harm thoughts of hurting/killing myself or others, for many, many years, but I don't know how connected they are with my own SH issues, and I don't really think they are. I think it's two different things going on.

SH can get addictive, in a hurry, so be careful with that. I had to back off when people started asking me about my scabs (I burn, but do it so they look like scratches). Even then, it was to avoid nosy questions, it was still some time after (mostly) stopping that I realised how frequently I was burning and while they weren't usually anything approaching severe wounds, how out of hand I'd gotten with casual self-injury, and how blind I was to how 'not normal' SH is. Like someone who quits drinking, then realises they were abusing it, once they're able to see it in hindsight.

As far as suicide ideation, some of that may, in addition to OCD, be simply extreme anxiety- I go thru periods of a lot of ideation, when I've very anxious for a long period about things (usually work). But I'm afraid of death (in the extreme), so I'm not sure I'd really want to kill myself- I just want the misery to end. Which isn't the same thing. But I think it presents itself as thoughts of suicide.

Not that I haven't had intrusive suicide thoughts in the past. I just think for me, now, most of it is just a reaction to extreme anxiety and a desire for escape from fear and hopelessness.

I don't think... that in a lot of cases, that our level of anxiety with pure-o stays the same. Eventually you get dulled to the pain. In some ways I compare anxiety to an addiction, also- and I think that eventually you get more used to the intrusive thoughts, lots of times, and they don't make you as anxious, just like an addict needs more of a drug to get the same high. Then you get anxious, over not being anxious! Plus to me, OCD is clever, and when something starts winding down, from what I've seen here, and experienced, something else often rises up to take its place and give a fresh reason to remain anxious. Sometimes people cycle thru their obsessions, it seems. Especially with the sexual ones... maybe something like HOCD/TOCD/POCD in an endless merry-go-round, when they start being less anxious, the current theme is dropped, and another one recycled after having had a rest. Or something new will be added (such as worrying over why you're not worried as much), to up the anxiety ante and ramp the fear back up.

It's a never ending war with your own mind.

Snaga wrote:I have self-harmed for anxiety, many times, and find it very relieving- but the effect is very temporary.

I just want to express my sympathy for your own struggles, because I feel like I've been a bit one sided in all of this. Right now I'm really focused in on myself, cause everything has gotten so bad so fast. I just want to say that I hope that things are getting better for you, and that I appreciate you coming on here and sharing your compassion and experiences Snaga.

Snaga wrote:So I'd lean toward your idea it was SH in the face of extreme emotion, and since you'd been thinking about it... ? gave it a try?

I can see that. It wasn't the first thing I reached for, just in that moment something had to happen and fast. I wasn't about to get up and run out of the room or start screaming/crying so I think I tried to turn the "fight" impulse in on myself rather than make a scene or just totally lose it.

Snaga wrote:Which can be completely separate...

I'm not even sure if I qualify for one or the other or both or which is which. The ambiguity of it all is part of what is so bothersome right now. At first when I started getting professional help, I kind of freaked my therapist out because I was so happy to be told I had depression. I was like, thank god. A tangible word for what this is. Some logic and sense to what is happening. A reason. I feel like the relief of having a simple label has vanished in the light of reality, which of course is complex and changes based on the day or the situation.

Snaga wrote:SH can get addictive...

That is certainly a big part of my fear. The ironic part of this is that I've seen the dark side of it. I've seen people with the scars, emotional and physical, the deep lines that will never go away. I've heard them talk about how they wish they'd never started. So far, I've been good about avoiding having any addictions out of sheer stubbornness. I won't touch drugs or cigarettes. I drink, but never let myself actually get drunk and keep it out of my house and out of temptation's reach. I don't gamble. I just avoid the temptation and I'm good. The scary thing is the temptation to hurt myself is pretty much constantly in my brain or available all around me, so I don't know how to avoid it so easily as the other possible vices.

You sound like you've in many ways started the process of recovery. Is there anything that might help me stop before I start?

Snaga wrote:As far as suicide ideation...

Wow, that makes a lot of sense too. Honestly the thoughts are normally tied pretty closely to my anxiety. Its like my brain's way of trying to cope with the stress, by just repeating the mental image of something much worse or a scenario in which I would not have to worry about it anymore, an escape. Socially tense situations normally coincide with the self-harm thoughts. As they're talking to me, I look like I'm listening but as the anxiety level rises so does the mental idea of inducing physical pain. Sometimes I wonder if its just an attempt to release how anxious people make me or if its feeling like I deserve pain after how awful I am at talking to people. Like if I mess up at work, the thoughts go from 0 to 60 and I have to question if its me wanting to beat myself up.

Snaga wrote:Not that I haven't had intrusive suicide thoughts...

You may be onto something there too.

Thoughts of suicide usually come for me in the face of what feels like too much stuff. Have a paper due? Think about not having to write a paper because you're dead. Think about being dead for a solid 30 minutes. Get more worried about having to write a paper because you spent 30 minutes feeling really freaked out about not being able to push the image out of your head. Spend another 30 minutes thinking about why you can't stop thinking about it. Aggh. Its frustrating.

Snaga wrote:I don't think... that in a lot of cases, that our level of anxiety with pure-o stays the same...

Wow, no kidding. Its like...Like my brain is trying to shock me. Like its trying to produce the world's best horror movie, personalized for me. If I stop reacting, it finds new and interesting ways to provoke a reaction. Even the same image, just saved for the right moment, can still get me. And being bored or exhausted of the thought doesn't make it go away, its the most persistent of bullies.

My obsessive thoughts became worse when I was pregnant. I started out thinking "what if I am HIV positive?" My next obsession was "what if my husband isn't the father of my child, what if I slept with someone else and don't remember?" I begged and begged for a $2,200 prenatal DNA test. Once the results were back I knew for sure that my husband was the father. Then my next obsession began... "what if I die during delivery?" I wasted so much time worrying, making myself sick, not leaving my home. OCD is horrible but obsessive thoughts can definitely be relieved with the right medication. Sorry for the rant, I needed to vent and let others know that they are not alone.