I'm losing my mind... am I a pedophile?

I'm going crazy, please someone help me.

I'm a boy, and I'm currently about 16 and a half years old. I'm around 6'5 tall, and have been this tall for already a couple of years... so yes, I grew really early and my puberty actually began when I was 9-10.

I've been dating for a couple of years now, and the relationship hasn't gone exactly like planned. Everything started out fine, but my girlfriend cheated on me which pretty much destroyed the whole summer. She cheated, because she was extremely jealous of me having kissed (nothing more really) girls before her, and therefore thought she needed to be somewhat equal. She went, kissed and jacked off one of her old crushes... I felt devastated of course, but I've gotten over it.

It was her jealousy that started making me go nuts. I felt like she demanded to know every thing I had ever done in my life with a girl (all crushes, small touching, kissing... EVERYTHING) and of course I tried to remember everything I could to fulfill her request. It started to seem like I HAD to tell her everything or she wouldn't stay with me, and then I started imagining things.

I started imagining all sorts of stuff that had happened, but I wasn't sure of. I started to feel guilt of things I had done before her, and kept trying and trying to tell her everything I could. I started getting really anxious all time, either because I didn't know if I had told her everything or if I didn't tell every single detail. Things got worse, and I started imagining even worse things. At one point I for example started imagining I had slapped a girl on the butt in school, and I had to ask this girl via text-messaging to make sure I hadn't. I kept imagining and imaging, and things just got worse...

Problem after problem, I started imagining worse and worse things until now... I think I may be a pedophile.

Around the age of 10-12, I started getting a bit more interested sexually, and porn came along quite quick. Everyone else my age was so different and I felt like I was older than others, so I was quite lonely back then. At one point I became curious what girls my age looked like (internet only showed over 18 years old and since I was 10-12, i found it a bit weird looking at people that old). I first researched the internet for models my age, but ended up stumbling upon some illegal material (that's right, nudity). For some time I would seldom go online and out of curiosity look at the stuff, until I realized it was illegal even for me even though I was a minor myself. I freaked out and feared that the police were going to get me... well they never did.

You know when you might see someone and just imagine hitting them? Or for just a sec imagine doing something, and then just erase the thought quite shortly because it's just sick or disgusting or otherwise horrible? Well I remember many times even not long ago that I might have seen some small girl and for a second thought about something sexual with her, and straight away erased the thoughts cause they are disgusting. I am absolutely against pedophilia and I definitely do not get turned on by prepubescent children. I know these for a fact, but still now that I've began to worry if this illegal pornography and very seldom short thoughts are a cause of concern or signs that I may be a pedophile.

I tried checking by thinking about sexual things with some prepubescent girls, but I found it extremely disturbing and hard. I did a few times force myself to think and get small erections which made me freak out like hell, but then again I wasn't imagining too well (I was sort of just imagining having sex with someone with a undeveloped lower body, ugh I even hate imagining that stuff it's so disturbing), and was fearing an erection the whole time... i don't know I'm just going nuts I DON'T FIND LITTLE CHILDREN SEXY AT ALL I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING IN MY HEAD WHICH IS NOW TELLING ME I AM!? I'm going even crazier, since there have been situations I have looked at little girls behinds or fronts naked as in at the pool or something, but by looking I mean just LOOKED not kept looking or got aroused or anything!?

This is horrible, and it keeps getting worse and worse. I know for a fact that I get turned on by girls my age or a bit older, and NOT SOME LITTLE CHILDREN oh god it just feels so horrible to even be writing something like this.

And I just keep finding stuff that keep making my worst fears seem like reality. Around the age of 15, I remember seeing this girl born three years before with some pictures of herself and some buddies in some swimming suites posing. I don't remember getting turned on or anything ( i hope i didn't...) by the picture, but I do recall going back online to view it again a couple of times. Why!? I have no clue, and I hope it's just hormones...

There's this one instance when I was at my cousins around the age of 11-12. This little girl came on my lap, and since I had never really had anyone that close to my genital area, I fear I may have got an erection from that.Those little girls were not the least bit arousing or sexy or anything like that, and it just drives me mad to think I could have got an erection from her sitting on my lap!? And then I begin to worry if when on my lap, I would have thought about holding her so that my hand would be at her genital area (cause I'd never touched anyone there... nothing to do with her being a child but just curiosity I believe cause I'd never touched a woman's genital area)... and I'm that I might have done that!? What next, am I going to imagine I would have rubbed it once or twice!? Oh god help me!!!!!!!

Oh, and when I was 15 there was this girl three grades below me. She was tall, blonde and had cute face. To me she looked older than she was (she was especially tall...), and I fear I may have found her cute-looking. I wouldn't have called her sexy because she didn't really have a developed body or anything, just the face was somehow really cute/good-looking... and it just freaks me out even more!!! I like breasts and feel disturbed by thinking of girls with undeveloped naked bodies, and I get really grossed out if I think of a vagina without hair on it. But somehow I'm starting to fear that I may have fantasized about this girl with the pretty face during masturbating!? I can't remember, and this is again one of those things I may be fantasizing... but it's driving me mad cause I don't know!

Aaand it gets even worse! When I start thinking about it, I'm now 16 and half... and I'm worrying if I would still find her cute looking if I saw her like she was back when I was 15!?!? That's a 4-5 year age difference!? It's not like I generally find people that age at all good looking cause they're little children for Christ sake, but I don't know what the thing with her face was!?!?!? I don't know if I would still her find her at all cute, but I'm fearing that I would and I can't prove myself wrong!?

I'm just going nuts. I'm starting to imagine new things like If I may have looked (not fantasized or anything like that but just looked) at some butts of girls about 3 grades below me. I'm starting to fear that I'm a pedophile, but that I've never realized it!? My sexual fantasizes have always been of people my age or older (that I can remember), and I never even considered being a pedophile!? I don't care for any little children and it just disturbs me even to try test myself. I'm just afraid if I still could find a girl around the age of 13 good looking!?

It's frustrating, because I'm so developed and look so much older than 16, so I feel like such a pedophile by finding a girl 3 grades younger than me cute!? And what if I STILL WOULD FIND HER CUTE OR GOOD LOOKING!?

I've always over-reacted to things and worried too much about everything. For over half a year I had continuous fears of my girlfriend being pregnant, even though we weren't doing anything more than VERY CAREFUL mutual masturbation!? She always had her periods on time, but I still ended up worrying that WHAT IF she was just different? I freaked over things like her double-chin and her tongue hurting, cause I instantly figured they were somehow pregnancy symptoms. I even made her get a pregnancy test... negative, of course.

Oh and then came the worry about STD's. We were both virgins, but I got this horrible idea in my head that one of us may have a STD. Neither one had back then had ANY SEXUAL CONTACT besides kissing with anyone else, and I even went and got blood test + urinal tests done to assure myself I didn't have HIV, Hepatitis B or some other disease.

I keep over-reacting and coming up with things in my mind, and I'm starting to lose control over my thinking. I keep returning to the internet... searching for hours and hours for answers, only ending up getting more anxious. I can't stay still because of a constant fear of being a pedophile, and I keep fearing that I will come up with new stuff to worry about soon... it always happens. I can't get sleep cause I can't stay still, and my school is starting to suffer. I feel like I'm going crazy and mad, cause I've never seen a problem with my self and if you would have asked me two weeks ago if I was a pedophile or not, I would have found the question absolutely silly.

I'm losing myself, and I'm beginning to worry that I am a pedophile. I'm an understanding young boy and find myself very mature, well-behaved and open-minded, but not a perfectionist. Still, I can't accept myself as a pedophile. I just can't. And I know I'm not one, but mind keeps telling me that I'm just lying to myself by denying it.

Help.

Hello.

First, yes, you seem very mature and reflected. That's a great post you've written.

You are (which is the signature of OCD) doubting yourself very much. It sounds clear that you are not a pedophile. But first, let's get some facts on the table.

When you see a girl, your mind will not consider her age, it will only consider if you think she is hot or not. Your mind can't differ between a well developed 13 y/o and a 16 y/o. How could it differ? You don't know the age. But this is not the point, a pedophile will get turned on by the fact that someone is NOT developed. You are not a pedophile just because you like the pretty face of a girl who is younger than you!!

If OCD is serious or not depends on two things, the primary risk and the secondary risk. The primary risk (the risk that a person will act on their scary thoughts) is almost always zero. You're saying you are not a pedophile, so you aren't. You will never harm a young girl.

The secondary risk, on the other hand, is something you must consider. If you are downloading illegal porn just to verify you do not get turned on by watching it, (which, by the way is a compulsion, or a checking ritual), you may be violating the law, which you shouldn't do. Your life quality seems compromised by all your doubting, and I would advice that you seek help.

You are not a pedophile. You have OCD and that is a treatable condition.