HOCD please help..

I've been going through this for about 5 months now and it is destroying me. I had one of these thoughts when i was about 12 when I saw pro wrestling, and thought a guy was good looking. This freaked me out and I asked my mom because i was scared that it made me gay. She said it was normal, and that it was just some type of jealousy of his body. I'm gonna just throw everything out there, sorry for it being a little long. I'm 19 and have always been attracted to girls. I was always shy and never fit in in my early years, but in high school I became one of the "cooler" kids. I have always been really nervous around women and never had a girlfriend until senior year. Freshman year I met a girl who I liked, and I showed I cared for her but never had the balls to ask her out. This went on for 2 years when I finally gave up because she kept getting other boyfriends. It lasted so long because I could never just let her go. But then I transitioned into another girl, where the same thing happened. I then got my first girlfriend, and we had sex 2 months in. She initiated it and I was more into having a relationship and thinking the sex would come later. I thought that "I had to get this done" so i wouldnt be "the virgin" anymore. Having never been the "cool" kid, doing that for some reason gave me the notion that I was "the man" and could have any girl i wanted so I broke up with her. Yeah.. thats not how it happened. We became friends with benefits but I would never date, cuz I was still "the man" and I didnt need one woman, even when she made it obvious she wanted me back. I was obsessing over if I had got her pregnant or not, and the repercussions of that. This happened a few times. The stress never left then she told me she wouldnt talk to me anymore, and it hit me like a train. I pleaded for her back and tried everything. I even cried a few nights. This was all around the olympics, where I saw an athlete and thought he was good looking. Then the thought "does that mean I'm gay?" entered my head and has been torturing me ever sense. I couldn't even leave the house for a month after due to all the thoughts. Then I found out what HOCD was and decided that was what I had, of course the HOCD thoughts made me doubt a few of the symptoms. Then I began checking if I was attracted to men. I would look and then check to see if I had a reaction or a movement in my crotch area. I wouldnt but it became a ritual. I now look at guys all the time without even knowing it, its like my eyes can't avoid it. If one of my friends is near it's like I have to look at their crotch. Does this mean Im gay and attracted to that? I don't think I am but I can't look away. I would think of gay men, or penises to see if it did anything for me, but it didnt. Then i would obsess about why i even thought of that in the first place. I was having all the fears that were described by HOCD, but I couldn't seem to shake the thoughts. Recently I have been giving the thoughts the "whatever, I dont care" attitude, which seemed to be working until i was convinced that now i was in denial. This is tearing me apart, because I don't want to be gay, because being gay is not me. Not because I'm afraid of coming out or how people will perceive me. Of course HOCD is telling me "not youre not, you're just scared of how people will think of you". Which sets me off. I have a girlfriend now, but that hasnt seemed to help. One day when i was about to kiss her, I noticed that she had a small amount of very small hairs on her upper lip, which caused me to think that i was dating her because she looked like a man, which is completely untrue, but the thought persists. Once when I kissed her HOCD popped up "what if she was a guy?". Now I can't kiss my girlfriend without thinking that I am actually thinking of kissing a guy. It tortures me, but I kiss her anyway so that she doesnt think I am mad at her or anything. When she cuddles with me, I check by thinking "what if this was a guy?" and I don't like it. But I can never be completely sure or completely convinced about anything. Sometimes it will just leave my head, but then i'll think "does this mean I've accepted it?" and I spike. It's killing me. I'm losing interest in everything and can't function. Please help. Do i have HOCD or am I just in denial?

Tackle the OCD aspects of this first. If you get rid of all the compulsion, all the intrusive thoughts, all the stress, and still think "I like men" then that's a new thread in a different forum. Right now, it seems like assuming it's HOCD and working with it from there is the most sensible approach.

Are you able to talk to a therapist about this? I think that would be the most useful thing you could do right now. No amount of checking or testing is going to fix this for you.

I posted a few other ideas in this thread: obsessive-compulsive/topic101838.html#p981775 [which is to say, you are not alone, there are many people here thinking in the same way.]