Juggling Normal and Impractical is just not easy

I had a pretty rough childhood. By that I don't mean that it was some lifetime channel, my dad put me in the hospital dramatic stuff. I just didn't have the best relationship with my stepmother. I was taken from my mom when I was 8 because of her mental condition and addictions and eventually my stepmother started to abuse me on top of that.

I don't talk a whole lot about it now, but through those times I noticed little ticks that I had that I couldn't control. Like if I didn't touch the corner (and then all corners) of a table exactly right, I would make myself do it over and over again until I felt it was exactly right.
I would also get very graphic images and night terrors in my head. Images of myself shoving my cat in the oven, or choking it to death. When in real life I would NEVER do that. I love animals too much. Just typing that was hard to do. I had night terrors fairly often where I would wake up and not be able to move or breathe. It felt like there was something sitting on my chest keeping me from crying out for help.


For a long time, I didn't think anything of those thoughts. When I lived with my dad, my stepmother was extremely controlling and enforced a very strict routine for every day.
But once I moved out, I started noticing things that just didn't feel normal...but I didn't want to be another one of those people that WANTED something to be wrong with them.

But then I started getting terrible nightmares. Extremely graphic. As though every crime thriller I've seen, every graphic image, was engrained in my brain and played out it's own version of select concepts and images in my sleep. Some of the main concepts I dream about are mutilation, torture, self harm, unwilling surgical procedures, life and death situations, manhunts, and all very twisted mixes...some dreams resembling things such as Rob Zombie movies, exploitation films, and situations that I have no idea how my brain would come up with such things.

Finally I caved to my grandmother's suggestion to go and talk to a professional, not just about my dreams, but my awake thought processes as well. It was very easy for me to fall into a depression and then come out of it and make manic rash decisions and very hard to control because everything made sense to me and felt normal.

When I started talking to my therapist, I was tested for medication as well through a psychiatrist. They found that I have a severe anxiety disorder with bipolar tendancies and fluxuating obsession compulsion. For a long time I took it with a grain of salt because I went through a phase of not believing in psychological disorders, for the most part. They survived fine a thousand years ago without medication and being diagnosed. What if I don't want to be like everyone else? So I need a little more structure. I can make it.

In the past year and a half I've been on my own. And the more I come to grips with my own freedom and life opportunities, the more overwhelmed I get. And the more I reflect on my mindset in different times, the more I realize that my obsessive compulsiveness is something I NEED to gain control of. Otherwise it will cripple me to my life goals.

I've gone through phases of work out obsession, doing a number on my knees and allowing it to take over my life, then I can easily switch to an obsession with nutrition and counting calories and losing weight.

I've learned that weighing myself causes major anxiety, because I overreach myself with my goals and expect too much.

Recently my dieting and cleansing caused a migraine to the point where it made me sick for three days. This was when my boyfriend started talking to me about my thought processes.

I'm learning that it's routine that I need. But I need to find my line of what's okay and what's simply not normal or practical. And if you have obsession compulsion then you understand how difficult that is.


I just really wouldn't mind having someone to talk to. It's rare that I cry and feel unmotivated, but that is the point that I've reached today. I'm tired of feeling bummed out all the time because I can't achieve the vision I set for myself.

I have few OCD's also. I know how it can create that anxiety if things arent done just right. Ive tried over time to change the negative ones for positive one that dont create bad feelings. I know it hard to work and then aways having to do the same stuff over and over.
I find structure a good thing. But sometimes it to extremes, imsure you know what i mean.
i understand about getting a routine, but you have to becareful it doesnt turn into another obssesion. which i tend to do.
Dont worry to much, we just have to learn to do things in a more positive way.
Its good to have goals, be realistic, then try to go for harder stuff.
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