Having horrible thoughts about 9 month old daughter... HELP

Okay it all started when I was a young child. I would have thoughts about my mom dying or me killing her. I would always feel very guilty. Finally this subsided, until I was in my adolescent years I would get thoughts of slitting my wrist and dying. I have been fine until about two years ago. Out of nowhere I started thinking back to when I babysat and had worries about weather or not I molested a child even though I know I in fact never did.

This brings me to now I have a 9 mo. old daughter and I have images about me harming her. I feel guilt every day and worry weather or not I blacked out and don't remember something. I am always going over the day in my mind. I spend well over half of my day consumed with worry. Everyday I have a battle within trying to figure out what is wrong with me to have such horrific and disturbing thoughts. I feel like it is ruining my ability to be the kind of mother I want to be. I love her with all my heart and I hate worrying so much about things I would not ever do! I can not even bring myself to change her diapers sometimes. I will avoid it when I can and have my fiance do it. Please someone give me some in put.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated thanks!

Welcome to the forum, worriedOCD. These ARE only thoughts, you aren't going to harm your daughter. I know it's really hard to deal with the worry, though. Are you able to talk to your doctor or a therapist to get help and support through this? I'd highly recommend that if it's at all possible. It's not uncommon for different forms of OCD to flare up post-natally, you'll find other people's stories in this forum too.

Hey, hope you’re doing OK.

Okay it all started when I was a young child. I would have thoughts about my mom dying or me killing her. I would always feel very guilty. Finally this subsided, until I was in my adolescent years I would get thoughts of slitting my wrist and dying. I have been fine until about two years ago. Out of nowhere I started thinking back to when I babysat and had worries about whether or not I molested a child even though I know I in fact never did.

I’ve suffered from my fair share of similar compulsions in the past. At one point I had to give up driving on motorways because the compulsion to swerve the car into on-coming traffic whilst hurdling down a 3 lane motorway at 70 mph became so intense that I’d grip the steering wheel as tightly as if I were on a white knuckle ride. That’s just one of many examples I could give.
You make an interesting point though which you should take heart from:

I hate worrying so much about things I would not ever do!

That was exactly how I always used to feel with all the life / death scenarios I’d compulsively fixate on: I KNEW that despite the overwhelming intensity of the compulsion, I would never do it. Derive strength out of that – whatever short-circuiting goes on in the fight-freeze-flight part of the brain to cause such compulsions, remember you have the strength of character to logically and rationally tell yourself, ‘I would never do that despite the compulsion’. That can be a real foundation of progress.

Every day I have a battle within trying to figure out what is wrong with me to have such horrific and disturbing thoughts.

Self-criticism doesn’t help in the slightest; in fact, it’s entirely self-destructive. Try to let go of the ‘what’s wrong with me’ battle; it just exacerbates the problem and the despair, guilt and anxiety you feel. Obsessive thoughts like this are a hell of a thing to deal with at the best of times, without criticising yourself for suffering from them.

I feel guilt every day and worry whether or not I blacked out and don't remember something. I am always going over the day in my mind. I spend well over half of my day consumed with worry.

Classic OCD doubting problem – it’s the same with checking, washing, whatever – despite logically knowing what you’ve done or not done, the message just doesn’t seem to register to quell the anxiety.

More than anything I’d suggest trying to disassociate from your thoughts – they’re not you, they’re a product of your subconscious and you have little control over them. By ‘disassociate’ I mean use your self-awareness (the rational part of your mind that you’d think to yourself ‘what am I going to do today?’ for example) to simply observe their presence.

Whenever a compulsive thought pops into your head, acknowledge it by thinking to yourself ‘here’s that compulsive thought again’ but don’t interact with it – don’t let your self-awareness become consumed by it. Neither should you fight it – just simply acknowledge its presence, and let it burn itself out – as it will sooner or later.

One of the greatest discoveries I ever made in my fight with OCD was that intrusive thoughts lose a lot of their sting when you separate them from your self-awareness and as a by-product, from your emotions.

Easier said than done, but it works; and it gets a great deal easier with practice.

Ada, it is good to know that there are people with the same problem. That alone gives me a slight sense of comfort! I have not talked to a doctor or therapist yet. I really would like to I am just afraid of what they would say or think about me. I would not want to lose my daughter she is my life. I know that this would probably not happen. However, it is the fear of losing her and confronting my problem that is keeping me from seeking help. It is time though I do not want to live like this anymore. Thanks for your response it is greatly appreciated!

-- Fri Nov 23, 2012 8:25 am --

Gareth, thanks for your insight its good to know I am not insane! Your advise is very helpful. I will try to deal with my thoughts as you were saying. I know it is not going to be easy. It is good to hear from somebody that has a similar problem to mine. Thanks again for the reply it means a lot!

Hi worriedOCD,
this really is a cruel condition isn't it, it fills you with self doubt and can make you feel really low if it gets on top of you. One thing that has helped me in the last month with unwanted/intrusive thoughts is medication, I have resisted meds for years for my Social Anxiety but since I statred my SSRI I am in a totally different place now. I am much less critical of myself, my obsessive thought patterns have lessened and even when I do have them I don't worry about them anywhere near as much as I used to. Just something for you to think about that's all. Best of luck.

I'm sorry you are going through this I am to as well. I have 5 children. I'm worried all the time I am taking zoloft right along with a benzo, I am constantly crying and upset. I totally understand if you need any more support message me and maybe we could help out eachother. You are not alone.

-- Sat Nov 24, 2012 3:39 pm --

I'm sorry you are going through this I am to as well. I have 5 children. I'm worried all the time I am taking zoloft right along with a benzo, I am constantly crying and upset. I totally understand if you need any more support message me and maybe we could help out eachother. You are not alone.

FearOCD, I tried to message you but it would not send thanks for your reply! Are the meds helping at all?