is it just ocd

I went through post partum anxiety where I was scared I was going to harm my kids, I did not want too, I thought what if I hallucinate and don't know who they are or what's going on. I took cymbalta and was fine. I came off of cymbalta in may and now my baby is 2. I went back to the doctor because I was cranky and he put me on effexor. I took it three days and had my fisrt panic attack in years. I stopped that went back and got cymbalta well took one pill and then panic again with burning sensations scared me stooped that. Over the next few weeks I started this intense anxiety scared of harming my kids I would wake and shake all day then it was so bad my mother in law had to come stay with me and I would just cry and beg her not to leave me I was terrified. I have always had anxiety but this time is different its very scary. Then I started with the intrusive thoughts scared of anything sharp or that could cause violence. I went to the er in panic and they started me on cymbalta again finally got in with a doctor who took me off of it and started zoloft. I'm on 25 mg I have good days and bad but now I'm terrified something is wrong with me since I got so bad? I think I may have had ocd all my life but never to where I noticed it. I remember somethings like I use to bet myself when I was young like I bet if I cant beat this game something bad will happen.I called my mom once and made her check to make sure I didn't hit someone in my car after leaving her house. Although I knew I didn't I just couldn't relax until she told me no.

Hi, sorry to see you are struggling so bad with this.

Simple answer, it's anxiety. I'm very familiar with the burning sensations you are referring to.
You are describing "fear of psychosis", "fear of harming your kids", "fear of going crazy", etc.

I think you need to sort your thoughts, and see what we really are talking about here.

You're saying you are afraid of psychosis, afraid to hallucinate and afraid of going crazy. Why? Crazy people usually live a happy life in their own world. So you are not afraid of this itself, the anxiety lies deeper. You are afraid of losing control. Right?

And by losing control, you are afraid of harming your kids. Which is very understandable because you love your kids. I'm afraid of going crazy and harm myself because deep down I love my life. I don't have kids but if I had kids and when I get kids, I'll probably be afraid of harming them.

So far, so good.

So, you're creating a lot of spin-off anxities and "theories". You know you will not harm your kids when you are mentally stable, right? But what if you some day weren't? What if? Would you harm your kids? Your brain is constantly scanning risks, searching for danger. When I'm starting my car, I get an image in my head about crashing into a bus. Same reason. The brain is searching for danger and warning me. Worst case scenario. Feels scary as sh!t.

Medications are scary. We don't understand them. Something may be messing with the brain. Worst case, they can make you crazy, right? That's just how we think. We may experience weird side effects and lose control. Again, we are afraid of losing sanity and control. And then, harm kids or ourselves (you have one anxiety, I have another, I sum them up because they are similar).

The "game compulsions" are common and known to me too. I'm frequently playing level 2 on Bloons, if I can pop 100 balloons, I will survive this. Or playing tracks in Trackmania, if I set a new personal record, I will survive this. And if I don't, I believe I will die. Just like you.

Yes, this is anxiety. You can label it OCD, or fear of losing control. It doesn't matter. You are anxious, not psychotic. We can't get a guarantee that we never will be psychotic. But the chance is just as low for us as it is for anyone else. And even if you became psychotic, you would probably not harm your kids. It doesn't work that way.

Thank you

You're welcome! Just follow up whenever you wish.

Take care, I'm sure you and your baby will be OK