I'm worried that I molested multiple children in the past

Hi everyone. First off, it is really, really nice to find a site like this. I have so many doubts and thoughts, so be patient.

When I was in grade 7, I was assigned to lunch monitoring this kindergarten class with my best friend. We had to watch and look after the kids while they ate, and played in their little play area. Now, back then, I had some really weird sexual thoughts. I'm very ashamed to say this, but I used to be turned on by those typical horror-movie female characters wearing their dirty, sweaty tank tops while they went screaming around. I am very ashamed about this, and I hate myself for it.

So, I was probably really horny back then. And I was really attached to the kindergarten students, because they were so quirky and innocent, and they played tag with us. However, I'm thinking that, despite me having no memories of it, or having any little kids scream and cry because of me, I probably just snuck my hand up girls' skirts while I was helping them with their shoes. Or shoved my hand down peoples' shirts and telling them that that was something all lunch monitors did.

This didn't even end in grade seven. For a short while in grade 8, I became really friendly with three second grade students. I think maybe I touched THEM, too.

I talked this over with my therapist, and she said that she really doubted that I molested anyone, or raped people. She pointed out how I had no memory of ever doing that thing, and how, if I really did molest a little child, they would have reacted loudly and instantly, screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" She also mentioned that there were a lot of "what if"s in my theories.

I wanted to get the police involved in this little fiasco, BUT even I know that what I think happened probably didn't even happen. And I don't want to get the police officers to interview each kid, saying "did this man touch you?" and ruining everyone's innocence.

I'm in grade 11 now, and it's really hard to obsess about these thoughts and, at the same time, do all my schoolwork and keep my grades up. Does anyone want to say anything? I don't care if you want to say something bad- I'm almost fully convinced that I'm a monster anyway.

Hey there. Just wanna let you know I get where you're coming from. Being uncertain and not knowing what you might have done is extremely painful and difficult to deal with. But you have to find it within yourself and know that these are nothing more than just thoughts. THOUGHTS my friend. I know how much it hurts, i'm dealing with it myself right now, not with the same issue though although I have had similar obsessions. Your therapist is right on, you WOULD of had a recollection of it, or remembered the childs reaction. Thats the proof right there! you're thinking so much about it, and trying to conjure up something because NOTHING actually happened, you see! I've beat this and I see you're doing exactly what I did! it's okay. Just tell yourself its okay. If you were a true perv, you wouldn't care! You are a good person by having so much distress over this, dear. You're no monster. If you're a monster, I do not know what that would make me, my god. Oh and by the way, there is so shame in thinking those horror movie girls are hot - cause they are. And the directors made them run around in tank tops screaming for a reason - cause its super corny and dramatic and obviously sexual! thats totally normal.

Thanks for your kind words. Unfortunately, no matter how much I try to forget about this problem, I can't stand not being 110% certain that I didn't do something bad. Maybe suicide really is the best way out; if I die and was innocent all along, at least I won't have to live with the uncertainty. And if I die, and I was guilty, well then, good riddance, right? And besides, when the police were taking up my case, they may have misspelled my name.

In fact, I can now remember very clearly that I have had sexual fantasies with children! (Although NOW I don't. But what good does that do?)

It's all the OCD talking...It's miserable, but it can get better in a way other than suicide. I hope you're not there right now, but if you are, you should call a suicide hotline. Having you tried talking to your therapist about a psychiatrist appointment & getting on medication? It helps a lot. I'm coming from the same place you are now, and it's gotten a thousand times better.

I almost became obsessed once with the concept that I had looked at illegal child related material one night when I stayed up to late drunk and had lost conscious memory of my actions, but having overcame my most severe obsessions recently prior to that point and by having a good support network I managed to put it out of my mind quickly. I felt like ringing the police to, but what would be the point? I feel no arousal to children, like yourself, why would I have looked at something like that?

You need to see a therapist, as they will understand and they will not assume you are a pedophile; your thoughts are pretty confused right now and certainly suicide is not the answer. Don't you think if you had done something like this, the possible thrill or disgust at what you had done would have etched the memory into your brain? I know with traumatic memories people can sometimes block them out, but if you had been the perpetrator of such an act - an active participant - it's very unlikely you'd be able to forget it. Like as not, if you had have traumatised someone word would have got out by now - some people do stay silent about things that bother them for life but plenty more don't.

About having sexual fantisies about a child, I'm sure most people could masturbate about anything if they really put their mind to it. Point is, it's now in the past - even if you were genuinely interested in that in the past (which is questionable in itself if you have OCD) it doesn't mean a jot on the person you are today as long as you didn't do anything illegal in pursuit of those fantasies.

Thanks everyone. I am still alive, and I've thought carefully about these things that have been going through my mind. I've noticed that one of the kids from the class that I've lunch monitored actually lives opposite to my house on the same street. If anything happened, I'm pretty sure that she would have told her parents, who then would have marched up to my house and confronted me. But there's still some doubt in my mind.

Plus, I remembered that, in grade 4, I actually did touch some people. For instance, once, in class, I felt some guy's ankle, maybe just as a joke. He didn't seem to mind (in fact, we were making jokes about it,) so I decided to feel his bare back with my hand. Once again, I think we both didn't really mind, and I certainly didn't know that that could have been a traumatic event. Does this seem significant? Because, now, I think the guy I did this to is struggling with life.

-- Sat Nov 17, 2012 2:24 pm --

And I think I did more of that in grade 4, because I was a really weird kid back then However, nobody spoke up about it, and I certainly didn't do it with malicious intent.

After about a week of not having any of these thoughts, I am now, again, starting to worry that I did something bad in the past. I remember that, when I was lunch-monitoring, I used to have thoughts of seeing one particular boy without his shirt on.

That's really disturbing, because if I did think those thoughts, I had a higher chance of sexual abusing the kindergartens. But since I have no actual, physical proof that I molested children, and I didn't get in trouble with anything, or incidents like this were never known to happen at my old school, should I be worried? I'm thinking of contacting the police about this.

It's all pretty disturbing, but since i got hocd/ocd i can relate. My parents told me i should be a man, go do stuff and stop worrying and thinking bout every thing and thoughts you get. And i will say the exact same thing, btw if u really raped or molested a child you would have known, if u have unwanted sexual thoughts about children then its ocd, if u want those thoughts and masturbate to them then thats just sick and you should go talk to someone about it or emprison yourself or sumthing, sorry i got no mercy for pedophiles. If its all unwanted and you dont know if something happened then it probably didnt. Then you should stop worrying about it and live your life.

^ On that note, I have a confession to make. In grade 8, I became really attached to this grade 1 student. Every time I walked down the halls to go to the bathroom, I would look into her classroom. I used to play with her during lunch, and things like that. It was like this for a couple of months in grade 8, and now, in grade 11, I have no thoughts about children. I don't think I acted on any thoughts I had about her during that time, and now I know that it's wrong to have thoughts about children.