OCD relapse. :(

I'm a 22 year old female who has had OCD probably since a very early age. I have the pure o kind where it's all mental, no physical compulsions like hand washing and the like. I first noticed it when I was about 14 and I got these intrusive thoughts about being a lesbian. Sexual thoughts about women that were very unwanted. I remember being terrified and sick over the thoughts and even felt as if I actually was gay a couple times and I was going to have to confess to my mom/family/etc. But deep down I knew I wasn't. That was a long time ago and I think I ended up getting over it rather quickly and realized how silly it was after awhile, I was completely and totally straight.

Over the next few years I became obsessed about my appearance. I thought I was ugly and had this plan in my head of how I needed to change it. I was already what most considered pretty and skinny, but to myself I was gross. The plan consisted of new clothes, new hair, working out, diet plans... even down to getting rid of freckles and moles and every little scar on my body. I bought this stuff that like burned your moles/freckles off. I was so set on it and used it, but ended up kinda scaring myself in the process. And we are talking about tiny little marks on my body I was so concerned about and needed to get rid of. I seriously was obsessed with becoming perfect physically. I felt like I couldn't actually live my life until I achieved my idea of perfection. Like I needed to hide myself from the world until I reached my goal. I even beat myself up mentally and felt dumb and like I was never smart enough and never would be.

When I was 18 came the worst. I feared that I might be attracted to children and I got really intrusive, sick thoughts involving them. I was absolutely terrified and sick over it. I think it started because I babysat for a little boy around 6 and he used to act in really odd, inappropriate ways. Like intentionally put his hand on my crotch and I'd move away from him and he do it again and from what I remember I told him not to do it, but he wouldn't listen. He just acted out a lot. I hated being around him and stopped babysitting soon after this. But the thoughts didn't really stop, the more I tried to force them out of my head the more they came back with a vengeance. Eventually I started testing myself to see if I actually enjoyed these thoughts, which I never did... but at times I almost convinced myself I did. I contemplated suicide quite a few times and felt like my life was over. Nobody would ever understand. I must be some sicko. I literally got really depressed and felt sick to my stomach. I avoided kids and felt like a monster. Anyone that found out about these thoughts would surely disown me or want to lock me up. Even though I knew these thoughts weren't me, it felt so real and I felt so guilty for just having these thoughts. It was eating me alive.

I eventually moved on even though it still has remained in the back of my head, I know I'd never be capable of such things or would I ever want to. I feel dizzy and sick when I think about it. But I just got into a relationship with an amazing guy and now the OCD is coming back. I feel like I need to tell him everything otherwise I'm not being honest with him. Like everything about my past and every terrible thought I get. I just told him I have a type of OCD called pure o and he said he was looking into it tonight when I asked him what he was doing. I was surprised he actually cared enough to do so. I told him all about how it works and that the more you try to make the disturbing thoughts go away the more you get them. And I even told him about me feeling the need to confess these thoughts but how most people would never understand. And how I know that they have nothing to do with who I am but how ocd makes you doubt and question everything. And he asked me what kind of thoughts and I just said in short, seeing myself as a sicko in my head and basically becoming what you fear worst. And he is super understanding about it and told me I can tell him whatever I want and he won't judge. He said there just thoughts, try not to think of things like that and don't let them bother you. He said he'd always be there for me no matter what happens. And I told him more than I would to pretty much anyone else, but I feel like I need to tell him more.. but I'm terrified of doing that. Like I know he read up on it so he gets the basis of what the disorder is about but I feel like that's not enough and I don't know why I feel like I need to tell him everything, but I do. Part of me feels like he would be pretty understanding like he has been and the other part of me feels like he would not and that would just kill me. But I feel so guilty for not telling him.

Even now I think back to when I was younger and remember things that were probably ocd related at the time. When I was about 7 or 8 I had a tremendous amount of anxiety over the fact that I thought I loved my teacher more than my mom. I came home one day and just started balling to my mom about it and how guilty I had felt. It all was very silly thinking back now.

Actually I think some of this comes from when I was 6 and I had a friend who was a 6 year old boy and in our neighborhood we would get together with the other neighbor kids and play games. One day one of the older boys, I think he was around 14 at the time, made all of us kids go into a shed in the boys backyard. He locked it and it was dark and a couple of us including me were scared and he made the boy who was my friend take his pants off and then told me in order to get out I had to touch and kiss him down there and out of fear I did it, but afterwards I felt so guilty and like a bad kid even at 6. For a few months after I tried to work up the courage to tell my mom, but I felt like she would hate me for being a bad kid and one day I did tell her and was crying and felt so terrible. And I think to this day this still effects me..

This is getting worse. I've already broken down crying a few times in the last 24 hours. I had pushed this to the back of my mind for the past few years for the most part, why am I now falling back into it? I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack and like the only way out is suicide sometimes, but I don't wanna die. But I also cannot live like this. I feel so trapped, I can't fall back into this hell! I just can't.

Hey, hang in there. What really else is there to do? taking your life isn't the answer. Sure it seems easy, but you're going to feel incredible and amazing and so strong after you overcome this. I know It seems like there is no way out, i'm dealing with it too. But knowing there are other people that are having the SAME internal experiences as you is comforting isnt it? A burden shared is a burden lightened. You gotta find it in yourself to know that its nothing more than thoughts, and that thoughts aren't reality, otherwise I think almost everyone alive would be screwed! You gotta find some humor in it too, thats what works for me. I know i know whats so funny about these thoughts? nothing at all, but when youre able to step outside of yourself and look at it from a different perspective, it can be pretty funny over how just absolutely preposterous it is! Reality will set you free. It's so hard, because we make a mountain out of a molehill. Stay strong

addgirl,
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Between the traumatic childhood experience + ocd you have a lot to deal with. Have you ever talked to a therapist? They can help you work through some of the issues. You could also find out about medication if that is something you are open to.
With my OCD I've also experienced the "need to confess everything"....even stupid things, or, like you said, about terrible thoughts. Kind of like having an extra-crazy conscience. It hard to let this go because the thoughts really do eat you up, I know. I'm happy you are with a person you trust enough to confide in.
In terms of the thoughts, for me it can be impossible to make them go away. Medication has helped me a lot though. It's the only thing that has kept them at bay.
We are pulling for you, hang in there.