HOCD or Confused or Denial

I am a 17 year old male who has loved, masturbated to, and went out with (Only once and thats because I am very socially awkward and I get really nervous when asking out a girl) women all of my life, I have never doubted my sexuality and I have never thought or had feelings for another man. But three weeks ago I was scrolling through a page and I scrolled past a picture and I had a twitch on my penis and I scrolled up to find out it was a guy, I freaked out for abit (Thinking oh sh!t am I attracted to that? Am I bisexual?" I shrugged it off. Then acouple days later I had the same twitch again when I saw a picture of a guy (These twitches I wouldn't even categorize as an arousal, its more like an occurrence, I get them when I see something weird or disgusting) and I suddenly started to panic thinking "Oh man, I might be gay". Then I started having bad anxiety, I couldn't eat, sleep, or even enjoy things I'd normally enjoy like talk about history, play video games, and just watch movies because there was always the fear of "What if I get an erection for one of the male characters" The whole first week all I did was masturbate to reassure myself that I am straight and now I can't even masturbate because I am afraid that I might think about a guy. The bad part of this anxiety lasted for about a week and a half, Its dimmed down abit because I have come to terms that I am straight but after I reassure myself that I am straight I go back to the "What if I am gay or do I find him attractive" Also when I think about things my mind says "Yeah you won't enjoy that because you are gay or you wont do that because you are gay" or when I talk to my friends I always think "What if I am attracted to him" And its annoying because I know its not true deep down inside but my brain just keeps throwing this at me. This has caused me to lose interest in women, when I get the few seconds when this isn't on my mind I start thinking about the girl I love and I can get aroused but then the thoughts come back again "Nope, sorry Nick but your gay so you cant love her" Also I have noticed I have like this weird crotch/groin tingling when I see a guy, and I know that it isn't because I am aroused (Because when I am aroused I'd become enthralled with it and probably masturbate to it when I go home, [Thats another problem I am trying to fight]) I have seen this also in most other post and articles that sufferers have this also. When I talk, walk, or do anything I always think "I did that in a gay manner, so I must be gay" Also I realize that when I talk about this and other things the anxiety goes away and that those thoughts become minimal for awhile but the annoying thing is they always come back no matter what. I need help I really do, I need to know if I actually have HOCD, if I am confused, if I am bisexual, or if I am gay, I don't want to lose my heterosexuality and I don't want to do something I know isn't me. And I know that we are all born with our orientations and that is another way I reassure myself that I am not and cannot be gay but then I see these "Overnight gay conversions" and they scare me and the worsen the anxiety. So sorry for the disorganized post, I just needed to get this all out. All add and reply with more info with what ever you need.

Also I forgot to put that I constantly check if I get aroused by imagining gay thoughts and l get those groin sensastions or nothing. And when I think straight thoughts I get nothing when it's forced, but I can get aroused when I am not focused on this.

First, I considered answering you in Norwegian, because your name sounds remarkably Scandinavian, but I won't.

Your story sounds completely like mine, except the subject is different. In my case, I watched Lethal Weapons 1 (old crappy movie) and got a thought, "oh, sh!t, what if I go crazy and kill myself?"

That was three months ago, and from that day, I've had intrusive thoughts about "what if I drive into ongoing traffic", "what if I jump down from my balcony", "what if [insert anything possibly dangerous and unwanted]". It usually happens when I see or fear the "dangerous" object. I can also have intrusive thoughts about harming people I love, or care about.

What is worse (and again, similar to what you describe), is when I get a pleasant thought (say, about Christmas or summer vacation), my mind can say "sorry, you can't look forward to that, you are dead by then".

I have no desire to die and deep down, I guess I know (at least I hope) I will live at least 40 more years.

Why do I mention this? Because it's similar. You got sensitized towards the fear of being gay and I got sensitized towards fear of being suicidal. One could, of course argue that I suffer more than you, because it's better to be gay than to be dead. In fact, I occationally think; "I could even accept to be gay, just let me live!" However, this is not the truth. We suffer equally. Because the problem is not being gay or dying, it's the fear and distress we experience.

So - the treatment for you is NOT the fact that it's not so bad to be gay. That's similar to if a zoologist told someone with spider phobia that (european) spiders are harmless creatures. The problem is the thoughts, not the actions (you fear that) they represent.

I could tell you now, you have OCD, you are not gay. Would you believe it? Maybe it would help a little, but the doubt will still be present.

What can you do? There are several techniques. One fact remains, you can't think yourself gay. So exposing yourself to gay stuff will not make you gay. I'm not saying you should download some gay porn and watch it 30 minutes a day, but a certain desensitizing to gay stuff could be reasonable. Another approach is to just watch the thoughts. So, your mind told you you might be gay. So what? Your mind can make up a lot of stuff, especially if you are sensitized to it. I had a crazy thought today, what if I say "dude, you REALLY shouldn't buy that slize of pizza for lunch" to an overweight guy. It was a thought. I didn't. Accept your thoughts as thoughts. They can never make you gay.

If you really were gay, it wouldn't bother you. You would be proud of it, as it was your identity.

That was great advice!!! As you can see, I've become more active on these forums to help others out, and seek help myself. I'm only fifteen years old, and a female. This is quite embarressing, but I remember in grade 6/7 I looked at Adam Lambert, and felt huge attraction, thinking he was just the most hot thing ever. Then, grade 8, I had a crush on a different guy. Grade 9 a different guy I still like now... given OCD doesnt block my thoughts. HOCD has me ruined. Seriously, I have battles with myself. Like I talk about marrying a woman, and feel grossed out, but alone, I think "You want to marry a woman. Youre gay. You know it." And it controls me.

Is it HOCD?
-How much times have you searched "am I gay?" and why did you post this forum...? Yeah, thats what I thought. To get relief and know youre perfectly straight. I'll save you the worrying and give you 30 minutes relief--You are most defenantly not gay. You want to get emotionally attached to a woman. That says it all. Its like me, I read a "wolfstar" Harry Potter fanficiton and started the "what if I'm gay...!?!" thoughts. Any gay person wouldnt be this afriad. They would say, "AM I GAY?!" and then think it over a bit, but not search like we do. Plus, dont listen to the scientest who claim you can indeed become gay, because the other seven say different. You cannot become gay. Seriously. It isnt possible. I didnt just love, and get attracted to boys, then wake up gay. youre the opposite, you didnt just get sexually attracted to woman, and want to be with woman, then wake up and love men.

And I know I have HOCD because my heart raced whilst typing "get sexually attracted to woman." and now am spiking.

So, what to do? Well, I've dug myself deep. Try and ignore the thoughts, tell them they dont own you... Ever heard of Neurosis? Well, I'm neurotic, and that makes OCD ten times harder to beat. Do I need therapy> You know it. Can I get it? For reasons involving money, no.
I'd suggest maybe therapy, or, ignoring the thoughts. Not going to lie, I've tried it four times and failed now twice. I actually ended up crying because today I was certain I was gay. Hell, I've even said "Dont think that!!! It may turn you gay!!!!" So that my friend is how I can identify I have HOCD, nd need help.

DONT:
-Watch gay porn
-Convince yourself youre straight
-masturbate to gay/straight porn
-Check
-avoid any thing involving gays
-avoid the opposite sex
-avoid the same sex

Oh! One more thing! If I havent already convinced you of youre HOCD, remember, how many times have you talked about being straight to youre friends? I have a lot, and bet you have aswell. Thats another major HOCD attack. It makes you think youre trying to convince yourself you arent gay, and are hiding it, but really, youre reassuring yourself, and trying to get youre OCD to go away.

BEST OF LUCK
-Bookworm88

BookWorm88 wrote:That was great advice!!! As you can see, I've become more active on these forums to help others out, and seek help myself. I'm only fifteen years old, and a female. This is quite embarressing, but I remember in grade 6/7 I looked at Adam Lambert, and felt huge attraction, thinking he was just the most hot thing ever. Then, grade 8, I had a crush on a different guy. Grade 9 a different guy I still like now... given OCD doesnt block my thoughts. HOCD has me ruined. Seriously, I have battles with myself. Like I talk about marrying a woman, and feel grossed out, but alone, I think "You want to marry a woman. Youre gay. You know it." And it controls me.

Is it HOCD?
-How much times have you searched "am I gay?" and why did you post this forum...? Yeah, thats what I thought. To get relief and know youre perfectly straight. I'll save you the worrying and give you 30 minutes relief--You are most defenantly not gay. You want to get emotionally attached to a woman. That says it all. Its like me, I read a "wolfstar" Harry Potter fanficiton and started the "what if I'm gay...!?!" thoughts. Any gay person wouldnt be this afriad. They would say, "AM I GAY?!" and then think it over a bit, but not search like we do. Plus, dont listen to the scientest who claim you can indeed become gay, because the other seven say different. You cannot become gay. Seriously. It isnt possible. I didnt just love, and get attracted to boys, then wake up gay. youre the opposite, you didnt just get sexually attracted to woman, and want to be with woman, then wake up and love men.

And I know I have HOCD because my heart raced whilst typing "get sexually attracted to woman." and now am spiking.

So, what to do? Well, I've dug myself deep. Try and ignore the thoughts, tell them they dont own you... Ever heard of Neurosis? Well, I'm neurotic, and that makes OCD ten times harder to beat. Do I need therapy> You know it. Can I get it? For reasons involving money, no.
I'd suggest maybe therapy, or, ignoring the thoughts. Not going to lie, I've tried it four times and failed now twice. I actually ended up crying because today I was certain I was gay. Hell, I've even said "Dont think that!!! It may turn you gay!!!!" So that my friend is how I can identify I have HOCD, nd need help.

DONT:
-Watch gay porn
-Convince yourself youre straight
-masturbate to gay/straight porn
-Check
-avoid any thing involving gays
-avoid the opposite sex
-avoid the same sex

Oh! One more thing! If I havent already convinced you of youre HOCD, remember, how many times have you talked about being straight to youre friends? I have a lot, and bet you have aswell. Thats another major HOCD attack. It makes you think youre trying to convince yourself you arent gay, and are hiding it, but really, youre reassuring yourself, and trying to get youre OCD to go away.

BEST OF LUCK
-Bookworm88

I have a question does your HOCD or anyother HOCD related symptoms when you go to say I love women you involuntarily say men I shake my head and say women, and when you say women you almost feel like its without meaning or forced?

So you think you might be gay and this scares you. Why?

A. You yourself are not gay and this is HOCD
B. you are a bisexual who bought up the way most people think emotionally if not cognitively that there is something wrong with that.

What you meed to ask yourself is: am I just scared because deep deep down I have had some homophobic tendencies built in by the rest of the world? If the anwser is yes, you might just be a bisexual unsure of if thats ok. If not, then it does seem to fit HOCD well

I've beaten my HOCD! Now each time I get a gay thought or a false attraction or a groin response I say "Aye ###$ you brain!" And I go on happily about my day! BUT now I've gotten one of my old OCD's back, I have had this 2 times before in the past 5 years. I got a panic attack last night when going to trying to go to bed, you know when you have a sudden loss of breath, a sudden fear of death, lightness in the body, and nerve tingling? Yeah well now I think I'm dying (hopefully I'm not) and I can't go to bed peacefully. I've had chest pains for the past 7 months but I have gotten tested and blood tests and I'm perfectly fine, all I got is a vitamin d deficiency but I've cut down on that and I believe I'm fine. But after that panic attack I thought I was dying. So now I think I'm dying. I don't know if this is an OCD or just a fear/phobia. It feels like OCD because its constantly on my mind, its exactly like afraidofdiseases said, I keep thinking, "I won't wake up tomorrow or I wont enjoy that because I'd be gone by then."

I have a question does your HOCD or anyother HOCD related symptoms when you go to say I love women you involuntarily say men I shake my head and say women, and when you say women you almost feel like its without meaning or forced?[/quote]

All the time! Seriously, ALL the time!!! Its very annoying and scary, and people will say its repressed homosexuality, I know, but remember, you CANNOT turn gay over night, and if you dont want to like the same sex, simply dont. It will happen, I know, where you feel like breaking down, but its funny, really. . . We break down about being gay, and still believe we are. Its so hard, because all the thoughts are real. . . But when I speak about loving a woman out loud, it seems just so foreign and not appropriate to me, whereas speaking of loving a man to you seems not appropriate. Its very hard... Very very hard. I know this is HOCD, because I dont want to read any more, I dont want to watch any TV (even Friends, my favorite show) if it speaks of lezbians. Even if it doesnt, I put the book down and rack my brian for why I'm straight. Its very tough, but try not to think of it. Hang out with friends! If its a holliday, get into spirit, decorate the house! Try and draw a picture! Do something fun! And believe me: If you do not want to be with the same sex, then you arent gay. If youve experianced opposite sex attraction and want to marry them, youre not gay! Gays except this, they embrace it as themselves. We with HOCD cant. Why? Who knows. We just cant.

Sorry for the essay... always happens with me!

-Bookworm88