Pure O symptoms?

Hello Everyone,

I am new to this forum. For starters, I have always been an anxious person. Ever since I can remember I have been afraid of my own shadow. My anxiety really hit me bad when I was a Junior in High School. I started having panic attacks (which scared me to death) I thought I was having a heart attack. I went to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCD. I am now 21, that was 3 or so years ago. I first started having intrusive thoughts when I was around 15. I have never been a drug user in my life, but one day the thought entered my head "you used Crystal Methamphetamine." This was around the time of one of my sister's wedding and it ruined the whole event. I felt so guilty and kept thinking "how would my family react to this drug use?" Even though I have never done that in my life! It seriously bothered me for such a long time. A few years later, I started having thoughts associated with Harm OCD. I have 5 nephews and 5 nieces, I am from a very tight knit family and I started having terrible thoughts about harming them. I remember crying and telling my mom about these thoughts that were driving me absolutely crazy! The thoughts seemed to stop after an amount of time (I don't remember the exact amount of time). This past summer, I got into a relationship with an amazing girl. She has been through a lot and at the start of our relationship was I was very protective of her. We both had to move away for the summer, but we knew that we would see each other at the end of the summer. One day, she informed me that her ex boyfriend was going to be coming back to her hometown (he has caused a lot of grief and heartache for her). We had only been dating for a short period of time (maybe one month) and this absolutely horrified me being 1,700 miles away from her scared me. I kept having thoughts like "What if she cheats on me?" "What if she leaves me for him?" "What if he tries to see her?" Even though I knew she would never cheat on me or hurt me because she is a very very very loyal girl, I was still so scared about losing her. I thought, "they were together for two years and we have been together for a month or so, they have more history and that means more to her." After I was going through all this grief, and tons of reassurance on her end that she would never contact him (though he tried to contact her via social networking) I had a thought one day of "you don't love her anymore." The exact date this happened was August 4, 2012 (so 3 months ago). This thought absolutely crippled me. I got so down and thought "how could I think that about her?" I started looking at pictures of her to see if I was even attracted to her, I felt so numb after this happened. I didn't know what to do! I was filled with so much anxiety at the thought of this, I couldn't make sense of all of this anxiety and frustration that flooded my body. This is my first "serious" relationship. I have not been much of a dater and when I met her, I was positive she was the one. I had never felt that way before about a girl in my entire life. I am a Christian, and I do have a personal relationship with God (I am not here to debate theology). But my OCD has come in the way of that too! I feel myself becoming so critical of a lot of biblical things and I don't like it! I even had thoughts of harming her family when I first met them! It was terrible! I put my hands in my pockets and grabbed the inside of them as if to restrain myself from striking her grandpa! I have also went through these thinking patterns of "I might as well as kill myself!" and I don't like that either! Some days I feel so hopeless and I hope that is not how I truly feel! I would never do that! I have been afraid of so many things my entire life! How could I ever do that?! Lately, I have been struggling with the suicidal thoughts and the thoughts of "do I love her?" "Am I attracted to her?" etc. I have even found myself looking at other girls comparing her to them! That is terrible! As of lately, I haven't been having as much guilt from having all of these thoughts (harm, relational, suicidal etc.) which scares me a lot! I just want to be better form all of this and be happy again (even though I have always been neurotic, I have never went through anything like this). I plan on moving out to the same state as my girlfriend in January. I plan on going to school and becoming a youth minister. I just want all of this to be better. Can someone please help me? I hate the fact that lately I have been numb about these terrible thoughts. I almost prefer to have the anxiety back, because I felt that is one thing that made me realize I cared about having those stupid thoughts! I am currently not seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist. I do take 100 mg of Zoloft (Sertraline) every night. I plan on going to see an OCD specialist to learn how to cope with this!

Thoughts about religion, harm, obsessive self-doubting or doubting relationships- all OCD. I think that seeing an OCD specialist will help a lot. I learned relaxation & mindfulness techniques which helped me deal with the guilt/shame, etc. of the thoughts. Good luck! Don't forget that things are sure to get better (especially when they can't get much worse).

I'm having the same issue with whether or not I love my boyfriend, find him attractive, etc. I still haven't found a way to cope with it or fix it. It's all very confusing. My mind says I'm denial. If someone has a fix for this, PLEASE let me know.

First, you should not label your thoughts as "thoughts about self-harm","thoughts about harming your family", etc. You should label them "Harm OCD, Relationship OCD, etc".

In my opinion, the problem with OCD is the constant doubt. As you produced the thoughts, a part of you must want them to be there and you are really just in denial, right?

Wrong.

I think your example about drugs is good. You should use that argument further.

Yes, you had a thought that said "you've used drugs". Have you used drugs? No.
Similar, you have a thought "you might as well kill yourself (or your family)". Does that mean you will kill yourself or your family? No.

We read things and draw them out of context. Of course, for someone mentally unstable with a history of violence, thoughts about killing their family are of concern. Similar, for a severely depressed person, thoughts about killing themselves are of concern. And - for a drug user, thoughts about taking drugs are likely of concern. But how is that relevant to you (or us)?

Every day, we are bombarded with impressions, which the subconcious mind interpret in every possible way. We can experience tiredness and exhaustedness (normal reactions) and the brain may interpret them as "life is crap", and even "I may as well be dead", especially if we are sensitized to those thoughts. But my point is, that is really it, thoughts. We may respond with anxiety, distress, discomfort, almost anything. But even if we do, nothing bad will happen.

We can't control our thoughts and trying is useless. By the way, you mention something very interesting which I also experience. After starting Zoloft (100 mg), the anxious response to the thoughts is more or less gone, which brings up a new concerning thought "do I actually want these thoughts?" "Have I stopped caring?" I can spend days thinking "I don't want to die so why does the brain tell me that I do"? I'll just have to trust my psychologist, but I know it's very hard.

I've also spent days doubting. The depression tests say that I'm not depressed, but what if I'm hiding something? Lying when taking the tests? What if I'm just afraid to face the truth? What if.. etc.

I hope this was somewhat helpful! Take care

Thanks for all your replies! The last 3 months or so have been somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster. As of this last week, my OCD has seemed to have vanished. I don't know if I am going through a remission stage or what. It really is quite freeing. I almost feel alive again. Is it normal to go through remissions with OCD? I haven't felt this well in 3 months or so.

I am a lifelong OCD sufferer and I have gone through what seemed like "remissions" even when not yet on medication. I remember one year of my life where I barely had any OCD. Good luck, I hope it stays away!

Great that your feeling better! I know how difficult it can be, just remember they are just thoughts and always bring yourself back to the present moment!