So scared, these intrusive thoughts are killing me :(

Hello, I'm new to this forum. I know I've been suffering from ocd for the past 6-7 years, its seems as the older I get, the worse I get. I would always be obsessing over something, whether its about a health issue or boyfriend, etc. Most of you probably know what I'm talking about, when I say if I'm not obsessing over one thing, its about another.
So about 2 weeks ago, I was laying on my bed with my boyfriend, we watched the paranormal activity trailer and we were messing around and I did a gesture as if I stabbed him in his back (again we were messing around) and he says jokingly, yea you would stab me in my back then BOOM I got a vision of me stabbing him in his sleep. I literally started tearing up and that's what started this cycle I'm on. My family went on a camping trip that weekend, I was left alone all day until my boyfriend got off work.. let me tell you, that weekend was the worst time of my life. I was obsessing NON STOP and getting the worse thoughts possible. I didn't want to be by my cats or dogs cause I wanted to avoid having bad thoughts about hurting them. I haven't eaten, as my anxiety has been through the roof and given me stomach pains. It got to the point where I held a knife to my poor dog which caused anxiety knowing the fact that I could easily do it. This drove me crazy, how could I do this? Before this all started, if anyone asked about me, I'm the biggest animal lover they have ever met.I can't even watch animal planet in the wild as I hate seeing animals getting hurt. During the weekend, my boyfriend made me put a knife up to him to see how crazy I really was and again, my anxiety went through the roof knowing how easily I could have just done it. I sleep with a knife by my bed as I stay home by myself a lot so the night he slept over, I woke up In the middle of the night nd held the knife in my hand saying, if you want to kill him, youd do it right now. Again I felt so guilty, nauseous, and sick to my stomach and couldn't sleep that whole night. Why am I doing this? I've always had a problem with being reassured, is this why I need to "prove" myself? I can't take this anymore, I feel Like I'm turning into a physcopath and it scares me sick. I'm starting to question if I even love my family/boyfriend/pets. I get horrible thoughts of hurting them/killing them, or even just bad feelings. I ask myself, are these just thoughts or do you really want to do them? It's almost like my mind is telling me, yes you want to do them nd it makes me sick. I hate this and just want to give up and end my life (i would never do that) but I've never let my thoughts get to me like this. I know I've always had weird thoughts here and there, but I never gave them any attention. Why are these thoughts about who I love most? I seriously can't take this anymore, I feel like one day I'm going to act on these thoughts and that scares me so bad.. especially knowing how EASY it is to physically hurt someone :,( I start analyzing every thought, and start thinking deeply into it where it makes me start believing that I'm evil. I just want to be back to my normal self :,( I'm trying to find a psychologist this week. Please, someone tell me if if they've had thoughts like this.

I think what you describe sounds quite like what I'm experiencing, except I have thoughts about hurting myself, not my girlfriend (at least not very often).

Just as you, in my case it started by watching a movie. In my case it was Lethal Weapons, with a character trying to kill himself. Just an hour later, the thought struck me; what if I end up doing that?

Since then (3 months ago) those thoughts have kept hunting me. I started getting afraid of driving (what if I crash into traffic), afraid of sleeping in my apartment (6th floor, what if I jump down), not very afraid of knives for some reason, as I know I can call for an ambulance if I cut myself, and I hate to have large amounts of drugs in my apartment (but again, I would call an ambulance). The greatest fear is heights, buses, trains, everything that is immediately dangerous.

What is even more annoying (just as you describe) is the persistent doubt. I can get thoughts out of nowhere saying "deep down you wish to die", "why don't you crash your car", "I'm sure I think life is not worth living" etc. Those thoughts are highly distressing and has kept me looking for answers (which I know, is stupid). Is something in my life bothering me? Sure, something may be wrong, but not enough for not wanting to live! And those thoughts seem to occur out of nowhere. I can eat a pleasant dinner and everything is fine, and boom, there are the thoughts. I try to comfort myself with the fact that if I was truly crazy, the thoughts would occur as a response to something, not out of the blue.

You, like me, seem to suffer from the "native" anxiety. Say you were standing on a high cliff. I bet you would feel two sensations; one is the fear of falling down, but another, more interesting, is discovering that nothing is keeping you from jumping down. As you describe, nothing is keeping you from killing your boyfriend. This is in fact correct, but keep in mind, if you, one happy day, were standing on the top of a cliff, would you jump just because nothing appearantly kept you from doing it? You wouldn't. Our general sense of right and wrong will keep us from doing stupid things. You love your boyfriend and you won't kill him. I love my life and I won't harm myself. It's just so hard to realize sometimes.

Hello, afraidofdiseases!

Yes, this indeed makes me doubt myself as a person very much. It's almost like, I second guess myself and over analyze every single thought that runs in my head. I question, do I even live my mom/boyfriend/animals? And its almost like my head says, oh yea you know you want to harm them which I know deep down, I'd die if anything happened to them. It's so confusing I really hope you get better as well, and you are right, we can do anything we think of doing BUT its our morals that keep us in the right.
Prayers sending your way!

Hey guys. I know exactly what both of you are talking about. I've been dealing with pure O and generalized anxiety disorder for about 5 years now. For about 2 or 3 years it was really bad. My intrusive thoughts consisted of violent, gruesome, awful images of hurting myself, my pets, my parents, and my boyfriend. My first really bad Spike was when I was simply folding clothes and I got an impulse to murder my entire family. I had extreme panic and ran out of the house. At that time I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought I was just going crazy have the potential to really harm those I love. after 2 years in therapy I finally found a therapist who gave me the proper diagnosis. Intrusive thoughts are very crippling and scary. I'm on medication now that has helped me greatly and it has contributed in a large amount to my recovery. I still have anxiety, panic, and intrusive thoughts but after doing a great deal of research on the disorders and speaking to people on this forum, I've learned so much about managing these issues. I know that having these thoughts makes you second thanks who you are and it feels like your mind is telling you that you really want to do these things. But the fact of the matter is that's how pure o works. Your mind latches on to your worst fears and you obsess over them. My therapist called them sticky thoughts. If it makes you feel any better, it is a proven fact that people with pure O who have these awful intrusive thoughts, are least likely 2 ever act on them. I know exactly how you both feel because I've gone through thoughts of hurting my loved ones and my pets and also of killing/hurting myself. And it's hard to talk to someone about it who doesn't understand because to them you look like a crazy person. Just do some research and talk to people and even if you still have these thoughts, it'll really help you manage them and you learn how to just let them go. The more you fight the thoughts the worse they are. I'm here if either of you want to talk.

-- Tue Nov 06, 2012 9:18 am --

Hey guys. I know exactly what both of you are talking about. I've been dealing with pure O and generalized anxiety disorder for about 5 years now. For about 2 or 3 years it was really bad. My intrusive thoughts consisted of violent, gruesome, awful images of hurting myself, my pets, my parents, and my boyfriend. My first really bad Spike was when I was simply folding clothes and I got an impulse to murder my entire family. I had extreme panic and ran out of the house. At that time I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought I was just going crazy have the potential to really harm those I love. after 2 years in therapy I finally found a therapist who gave me the proper diagnosis. Intrusive thoughts are very crippling and scary. I'm on medication now that has helped me greatly and it has contributed in a large amount to my recovery. I still have anxiety, panic, and intrusive thoughts but after doing a great deal of research on the disorders and speaking to people on this forum, I've learned so much about managing these issues. I know that having these thoughts makes you second thanks who you are and it feels like your mind is telling you that you really want to do these things. But the fact of the matter is that's how pure o works. Your mind latches on to your worst fears and you obsess over them. My therapist called them sticky thoughts. If it makes you feel any better, it is a proven fact that people with pure O who have these awful intrusive thoughts, are least likely 2 ever act on them. I know exactly how you both feel because I've gone through thoughts of hurting my loved ones and my pets and also of killing/hurting myself. And it's hard to talk to someone about it who doesn't understand because to them you look like a crazy person. Just do some research and talk to people and even if you still have these thoughts, it'll really help you manage them and you learn how to just let them go. The more you fight the thoughts the worse they are. I'm here if either of you want to talk.

Hello dpatrice

I also know EXACTLY what you're going through, and let me reassure you that you're not a bad person and this doesn't mean you have any intent to act on any of those thoughts! This was me at 9 years old. Like you, I didn't want to think bad thoughts. The more I didn't want to think them, the more they bombarded my brain. I was constantly worrying that I was a bad kid, and would have to run to my parents to confess my thoughts and seek their reassurance that I was still a good kid. One day I had a random thought....*what if I pushed my brother out of the car while it was moving?* To this day I have no idea why this came to my mind, and I remember being worried sick about it. When I told my parents, they calmly asked me "now you wouldn't really want to do this, right?" I answered "no, of course not!" They assured me that just because a bad thought pops into my head does not mean I'm a bad person and that it was only a thought. I felt a lot better afterwards. That whole year of my life I was a major worrywart. I remember even laying in bed awake the whole night worrying about any bad thought that popped into my head. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy; once my mind was able to finally let something go, it wasn't satisfied unless it had something to fixate on and worry me sick. Eventually I got past this extreme phase and while still a worrywart, didn't find myself plagued by every passing thought.

As you've probably already guessed by now, I am diagnosed with OCD I didn't receive the diagnosis until I was 25, however the symptoms were definitely there for as long as I can remember. My psychiatrist explained to me that I deal with what's known as an obsessive-compulsive spectrum disorder, meaning that the symptoms change in form and severity throughout my life. Here's my story...my mom tells me that when I was about 4, I picked my fingers to the point they bled. I remember being preschool/kindergarten age and repeating words over and over again (this was around the time I also started displaying ADHD symptoms, which I was also diagnosed with at 25) and was obsessed with my bus number 130 (who'da thunk it would be my work phone extension 20 years later? lol). At age 9, it was the symptoms illustrated in this post. By middle/high school, it centered around worrying that my friends were changing on me because they were suddenly going through phases that I wasn't and I didn't understand it all (one of my Aspie traits; no diagnosis, but I've self-proclaimed it). By college, I was going into full-blown rituals and had a constant feeling of anxiety. This also may have had a lot to do with a thyroid medication that I really shouldn't have been put on. Now, the main worries I have are thinking that I've said or done something to step on someone's toes (though these are usually unfounded thoughts) and having to be sure I've gotten a point across to someone; if there is any doubt in my mind that what I said was misunderstood I have to paraphrase it until I'm reassured the other person "got it." Needless to say, it's gotten a lot better. I take medication for both disorders and it definitely helps to ease things!

Have you spoken with your doctor about your concerns? The sooner you reach out, the easier things will get. Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

Hello
This is my first post here.
I'm an Aspie (Aspergers), aged in my early 40s, and I was only recently diagnosed after a liftime of, frankly, living hell.

These revolting intrusive thoughts you discuss must come under some sort of subject heading. The symptoms of all of you, and myself, are just too similar.

I have had these nightmare visions since I was a child, and they were very bad then. School and other camps were especially fearsome, I'd imagine all sorts of things happening to my family and pets while I was away.

I still get them regarding my pet (cat) as per the OP. I'd never harm a single hair of the old girl's fur, but I can't stop occasionally horrible visions of myself, or an 'unknown agency', causing her horrible pain and death.

One of the worst things is the reason I am no longer a full-time cannabis smoker. Sometimes, when stoned, things would just latch on to me, usually from movies.

I'm not a horror fan, regarding it as a rather stupid genre in general. Horror films are utterly ridiculous really, when you consider that there is *nothing* that has ever been thought up in any film or book that is worse than what we have already inflicted on each other, in both peace time and war time. I'm not talking about good mystery or suspense stories, even if they have heavy violence in them as the plot demands. More I am talking about the gore and pain obsession that has kept the genre alive, and lately morphed into what is now called torture-porn. It is despicable rubbish.

However there are some movies that I very much admire, and some of their contents still float up in intrusive thoughts sometimes - John Hurt's absolutely amazing performance in 'that scene' from Alien is one of the worst, even after all these years.
For a while it was Louis Del Grande's exploding head in Scanners.
Lately, though I have not seen the film, will never see it, and regard it as a cheap exploitationist piece of garbage - Wolf Creek. It has a truly horrible scene in it that caused me to go and look things up, and the imagery from it (I've only seen stills and read the transcript) sometimes floats up and hits me - during marijuana sessions it could sometimes get me really bad, to the point where I had tears in my eyes.

But these visions are not unique to 'smokers', and indeed they can still get me in my normal straight life (which is most of it these days).

What can be done about them?

I don't know. All I notice is that the process is more 'refined' these days - worse in some ways but better in others. Coping mechanism developing in the brain perhaps? In childhood they would hit me all the time. Now in adulthood, it is much rarer, but they are 'nastier', having more refinement and subtlety about them. Probably, it is growing up and learning more about the real world.

Thought I had more to say but my stream of conciousness has run out at this point.

I hope I have provided a little more solidarity anyway.

Here's some advice I just posted on another thread, that I think you may find useful:

Just remind yourself that these are only thoughts, and not something you would consciously do. You are worried about thinking them, and they are just trying to do everything to work against that. The fact that you are worried about them shows that you have a conscience! You are a good person. Something I always tell my best friend when she is hearing voices (I know this isn't the same as what you and I experience, but this could work for either case) is to think of them as being someone else saying these things to her. This way, it separates them from who you are as a person and externalizes them. Then you have no reason to feel guilt, as it's not YOU who are saying/thinking them, but rather as if someone walking down the street was saying them to you. Brush them off as you would if someone was telling you something that you didn't want to hear. Then you can separate the intrusive thoughts and reassure yourself that they are not brought on by your own conscious thinking! Hope this helps

Kind of the techniques I try and use anyway, but thank you, most kind of you to reply.
It just makes a big difference hearing from somebody else that the way I have been going is a valid path.

Cheers!

I guess a couple of years ago I went through the exact same crisis you went through - I'm engaged and so one day I became horrifically worried I was going to break her neck. I even rang up the local crisis team - basically the looney bin - and made them visit me. They decided I wasn't a danger to my partner (who, by the sounds of things reacted in a very similar way to your's - making me confront my fears by sleeping in the same bed as them and not letting me bind my wrists together with duct tape which at the time I was convinced I must do or else I was a danger). The point is OCD preys on whatever you have a weak resistance to, and for some people it will sneak in whenever it has the chance - that doesn't mean you are a pyscho or that deep down you are evil (basically what I used to think - either that or I'd go into a fugue state and harm people, which in hindsight makes no sense seeing as I had no medical history of such breakdowns).

These thoughts will get a hook into anyway they know how - for some people it's thoughts like "If I leave that dirty cup out my daughter might contract s. pneumoniae" or "if I think such thoughts God will forever deny me from heaven". For us it is "I may very well have the potential to be a killer, and I just don't know how to differentiate as to whether that's what I could possibly want or not". The point is most stupid thoughts are completely pointless, for example you may have thought in the past "Maybe I would like to be boy - what would happen if a really want to be a boy?" yet likely as not you wrote that thought off as ridiculous, because unless you've optimistically contemplated being a boy all your life why would you want to be one? It really isn't any different with OCD thoughts - they are equally ridiculous and facile.

You and you're BF are perfectly right for exposing you to your fears, and I'm happy that you've took these steps already. I know these thoughts seem extreme, and you worry if you don't take action they'll exact a deadly price - but that is the furthest from the truth you could possibly get. As a meaningless statistic, people with OCD are the least likely to commit violent crime (meaningless to you as when OCD has a hold on you you won't believe it). The point is exposure is the only way you can bring these thoughts back to their normal frame of reference (i.e. I don't want to be a boy - that's stupid). I was with my 1 year old nephew a few weeks ago, and I thought about beating him to death with one of my shoes - did I do it? No, because I didn't want to and thoughts do not make a human being. You need to expose yourself more - that is the only way these thoughts can ever once again normalise in your head.

As a last point, I responded to afraidofdiseases that there is no element of fantasy to our obsessions. They're short, sharp, horrific and designed to upset us. The thoughts are never in excessive detail, lavish, or do they express a longing in anyway to enact them - a difference which seperates you from what you think you are by a country mile.

All the best, and if it helps you are normal - I would know, I was you two years ago.

yeah, its difficult because the more your afraid of it the more real it seems, thats what I'm going through, just accept that it could be real, then move on