HOCD or am i gay?

Hello this is my second post on HOCD.

I think i am suffering from HOCD for the last 8 months either that or im gay and been in denial my whole life. The thought triggered when i was watching the notebook with my mother and i think i stared at the boy for too long and i paniced and my head kept saying your gay. I couldn't get away from it i would go to bed and all i could see was men kissing and sexual images it made me not want to go to sleep and i didnt sleep without a film on for about 6 months. I have been brought up around women most of my life and people say when your around women 24/7 its more likely you become gay. I constantly obsess over this thought from the minute i wake up to the moment i go to sleep and i use it everywhere i cant seem to escape it i analyze every male to see if fancy him or not which is stupid because you dont fancy everyone i can't help it i just do it also i always so if i dont do that then im gay and if i do that then im gay always doubting myself.

I have always since i can remember been attracted to girls and have constantly watched straight or lesbian porn since ive been a teenager and i love id thought it was the best thing ever i think i have watched a bit to much since i was younger. I used to be very aroused easy off women even if a good looking women would talk to me or look at me i would sometimes get turned on. So i had no doubt i was not gay until that thought popped in my head.

I had a girl for nearly 2 years and she was amazing i loved her to bits and i would get an erection from anything sexual. She was beautiful etc but when it came to sex she was very shy and wouldn't let me look at her which kinda turned me off and i was never that up for it later on in the realtionship partly because i was worrying about being gay and i may not like and partly because it wasn't that good sex. I told her about my worries as it got me depressed and i was not the same person as i was i was hardly ever happy and all i could do was obsess i wanted to keep reassuring myself i wasn't. anyway we split up 2 months ago and ever since then it has got worse i considered killing myself and i have tried coming out to my mother and some friends to see if that helps but i don't think i am so it doesn't feel right.

I have tried masturbating to gay porn only twice and both times nothing happened but then when i was wanking over pictures there was a picture of a muscly man and i thought aww ill try wanking over that and my willy made like a tingly sensation and i hated it and ever since that moment i thought i really must be gay i don't want to be gay i have nothing against it is just i want to be happy like i was when i was in love with my girlfriend and talking and flirting with girls. But my attraction to women has changed i really dont feel attracted to anyone other than my ex at the moment and i think to myself i must be gay now because i dont like anyone i still constantly check out males to see if i fancy them i hate it but i do and when i see a good looking male sometimes i get a panic attack very small but it just makes me so sad and depressed i really dont know what to do i have seen a psychatrist and she said if your gay just come out and i would if i thought i was i just don't know and it is actually tearing me apart inside i just want to be happy like i was before!

Any advice would be much appriceated thanks very much

Hi there!

Well, I am a female and dealing with the same thing, if youve seen my post called HOCD. Basically, I feel attraction towards men, but then one day out of the blue, I realized I always comment on females figures, and call them pretty. So, I didnt know I had OCD, so I was basically an idiot. I watched lezbian porn once, and I have completely lost myself.
HOCD
-Ask yourself this... Do you want to marry a member of the opposite sex? Yes? Then you are not gay. Simple as that.
As said by a wise man with OCD as well on the post "I'm gay and youre not" Rule one: If you say you are hetero, you are hetero. Rule two: There are no other rules.

HOCD
"But I find men(the same sex) attractive! So I must be gay." No. That is where I went totally down hill. I find females figures attractive, yes, and I find girls pretty, yes. But when I think about females, I assosiate them with friendship. Nothing more. I know I want to marry a man, or else I wouldnt have these fears, simple as that. Same goes for you. You want to marry the opposite sex, and so you are afraid you are gay.

Speaking for myself here, I am a huge gay rights person. I have numerous friends who are gay, and I always believe in any human rights.

"I always believed in gay rights": Then you arent gay. You wouldnt fear something you believe in.

"I was homophobic!": Then you wouldnt be homophobic in the first place given you were gay.

why am I giving you a huge lecture?
Because Im bored.

What I strongly reccomend.

Do not: Watch porn, look at attrctive celebrities of the same sex/opposite sex to seek attraction, look at other people and check for attraction, and, the biggest no-no, DONT SEARCH FORUMS FOR COMFORT. Why? It seriously ruined me. I was so happy last year, and I knew I was straight, no what ifs, not even when they asked in health class. But then I read a wolfstar fanfic, and I totally flipped. And then I lost it. Its crazy. Then, because I didnt know about this disorder, I constantly searched "How do I know I am a lezbian?" and "How to become okay with being gay." then, I figured out about HOCD. So I searched the forums. Almost all of the ones that appear on google, I have read over for relief. Believe me. Dont find consolation in other peoples stories, because I hate to say it, but it really digs you deep. Because then, you spike, you search, youre fine for two hours. Then, you spike, you search, youre good for one hour. Then, you spike, you search, youre good for thirty minutes. Then, you spike, you search, and keep on searching for more relief.

Try reading these:http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php obsessive-compulsive/topic100333.html

They help you out a lot with understanding. The cold, hard truth of it is: If you were gay, you wouldnt be searching for relief like this.

Do: Stop letting these thoughts bother you. Embrace them. Imagine yourself being gay. I know, its hard, but thats all the more reason youre straight. This is what I'm doing right now. When youre mind starts bothering you, just go watch TV, or play a game to get your mind off of it. I know, I'm no expert, but I dug myself deep in, and its going to be hard getting back out. I also would reccomend therapy, but I'm one of those people who cant afford it, and also, its not a foolproof plan (some therapists tell you its surpressed homosexuality, which makes you spike completely.) So yeah, I suggest keeping away from things that make you spike, and start taking youre mind off of it. Allow youre mind to heal. Thats what I'm doing. Good luck, and tell me if you get better!!!

That's a really great post, BookWorm88! I hadn't thought about how reading other people's stories could cause that vicious cycle of checking, reading, being temporarily reassured, but for a decreasing time each time. Now you put it like that, tests are like that too. Looking at the "wrong" sex, looking at porn for that sex, imagining marrying them, another test I've seen is imagining deep kissing both men and women and see which is more comfortable. But each test only works once [and some don't work at all!] and then it just becomes more fuel for the HOCD fire.

Please keep posting, both of you.

Hello im back i have been off for a week or so i didn't know anyone had replyed to this..

I think i have got better as the anxiety isn't there when i think of gay stuff anymore which is a good thing.. my attraction for females has not come back it has a little bit but nothing major. Whenever i see a good looking boy though i can't stop looking and i think yeah he is really good looking i hate doing it but i still do. Whats the point in fighting it anymore i think it is past HOCD i can't go a minute without worrying about it and its killing me. I think i may as well just come out if it is the only way to make me happy then ill do it i don't want to be gay but i guess ill just have to do it and be gay!

I really don't know what to do anymore i keep coming on these forums and they helped but i over analyze everything i just think ###$ IT i really can't be arsed for these thoughts anymore whats the point i beat the anxiety but i still think im gay WHY??

Could you talk to a therapist about the OCD? You can't just "be gay" any more than gay people can "be straight". If that isn't your nature, it's not going to feel right. Seeing the attractive aspects of other men is not being gay, it's having an appreciation for beauty. That appreciation is being messed with by the OCD thinking. Still not gay.

Not all therapists have experience with HOCD so it's worth asking before you see them if they do understand this problem. I am ALL for gay people coming out and enjoying their sexuality as nature intended, but that isn't going to work for a straight person. It seems like you've got a lot of strength in beating the anxiety side of this, keep going with that.

Deep down i do believe i have HOCD but at the moment it is just so hard to say i have it as i keep thinking im lying. I do believe i have OCD since a young age and i remember my dad saying that i'd get over it when really i never have! It started years ago when i slept over my friends house and we played gta san andreas for 16 hours straight and that night i couldn't get the image out of my head and started crying and i obssessed over gta for months i couldn't play the game for years after it as i was so convinced it would give me nightmares again same happened to call of duty after i played that for too long a few years ago. When i was a bit older i worried i had cancer and was convinced i had it telling my mother and dad and i was constantly checking.. then i had the gay worry as i live with my mother she is very femine and i enjoyed all her girly films.. then i worried i had a brain tumor and every lump on my head i was convinced was a tumor.. just before i had my gay worries which by the way is the worst out of everything as there are always constant reminders! i had a worry i had toureets and i physically felt i had them which was a scary experience i have got through all of them i don't know how! If this is HOCD then im sure i can beat it but im not sure because i've lost everything i have no desire for women i don't have it for men either but it just doesn't bother me anymore being with a man i don't get aroused i thinnk i may be fighting my feelings! im so unsure now if someone gets back to me then it will be the last time i look on this sight until the new year as i want to get away from my constant checking thanks for the help btw!

-- Sun Nov 18, 2012 2:29 pm --

Deep down i do believe i have HOCD but at the moment it is just so hard to say i have it as i keep thinking im lying. I do believe i have OCD since a young age and i remember my dad saying that i'd get over it when really i never have! It started years ago when i slept over my friends house and we played gta san andreas for 16 hours straight and that night i couldn't get the image out of my head and started crying and i obssessed over gta for months i couldn't play the game for years after it as i was so convinced it would give me nightmares again same happened to call of duty after i played that for too long a few years ago. When i was a bit older i worried i had cancer and was convinced i had it telling my mother and dad and i was constantly checking.. then i had the gay worry as i live with my mother she is very femine and i enjoyed all her girly films.. then i worried i had a brain tumor and every lump on my head i was convinced was a tumor.. just before i had my gay worries which by the way is the worst out of everything as there are always constant reminders! i had a worry i had toureets and i physically felt i had them which was a scary experience i have got through all of them i don't know how! If this is HOCD then im sure i can beat it but im not sure because i've lost everything i have no desire for women i don't have it for men either but it just doesn't bother me anymore being with a man i don't get aroused i thinnk i may be fighting my feelings! im so unsure now if someone gets back to me then it will be the last time i look on this sight until the new year as i want to get away from my constant checking thanks for the help btw!

Hello,

I have been through something similar when my OCD came out of nowhere and got really bad. My suggestion to you is to connect with your heart and not your mind. Your mind can play some pretty brutal tricks on you. It is okay if you are attracted to the other sex but this is a very common form of OCD and the anxiety that comes along with it is very powerful. Try checking in with yourself beyond the thoughts... ask yourself the question sincerely. You will know the answer in your heart.

Again, this is really common with OCD and if it makes you anxious than it is not natural, so it is probably just your mind giving you a hard time. Try to become an observer of the thoughts, meaning step back and watch them in your mind but do not relate to them as much. Connect with your true self as much as you can and learn to disassociate with your mind. Your mind is not you and sometimes, well, it has a mind of its own Also, it will pass, just keep hopeful and remember that if it doesn't feel right to you, it is probably just a form of OCD giving you a hard time.

It seems like every time you beat one kind of OCD, new thoughts pop up and start messing with you. I think tackling the OCD itself would be the best approach. Otherwise you'll sort yourself out with regard to sexual preference and then something else will try to get a hold.

I can understand taking a forum break. That's wise of you to know when it's going to be helpful. We'll still be here whenever you want to come back. And I'll be hoping you get the better of all this soon.